The kids are LOUD. Mexican train is a LOUD game. Kids love to play hide and seek darkness, I hate it, so scared that they will run into something in the afore mentioned darkness. Just like Adam did a couple of years ago, nearly put his eye out playing some crazy football game in the dark. My sister and daughter are both having baby girls at the end of summer, wow. Now my brain is involuntarily shutting down because of all of the thoughts that just flooded it. Babies, diapers, baby breath, wipes, gowns, baths, baby lotion, burping babies, toes, gums, cheeks, skin…crying, rocking, singing…..will the thoughts stop ? Baby legs, baby voices, dresses, cereal, milk, rhymes, silly words, dr visits, scooting, crawling….oh my goodness, I can’t believe that all that will be happening. That AND volleyball, school, work….life in general. Full.
Author Archives: angie wirthlin
Parenting.
I’ve been trying to figure it out. I’ve been trying not to shout. Over complicate, over simplify ? All I know for sure is that it changes everyday. Lead with love ? Yes, try to. Accept all the bull that kids try to throw at you ? No. They have been robbed, born to parents who were robbed…broken world, you get the picture. The goal, as I see it…would be to figure out what was stolen from you … the parent, and then lean into getting it back. There will be a price, but it will be worth it to be wholehearted. With your heart whole and your eyes focused on the kingdom of God in the present tense , you (and by you, I mean me) will be able to fight for your kids, and help them figure out what is missing , their birthright, peace and joy…fullness. It’s my first mission to be wholehearted, and second to parent my kids. Sometimes my husband talks about going somewhere adventurous, and I make it my business to remind him that we are in treacherous terrain everyday ! We are navigating through puberty, modesty, honoring, academics, sports, thirst and hunger of the spirit, not just the body, and an enemy that wants to eat us all alive. (my dramatic nature is not what I have robbed of, as you can see) Landmines are cleverly disguised as normal teenage life. It’s no joke.
It’s been a long time since I’ve written, there are a ton of legitimate reasons, but the only one that matters is that I did not want to sound desperate, life has thrown a few curve balls at us, and I had to process on my own for a while. It is a new season for us. I am excited, but wise enough to know that even now, during their independent years… my kids need guidance, they need me to be wholehearted so that I can be powerful in my prayers for them. It’s hard to parent from a place of brokeness. It makes us cry out in desperation instead of leaning into God, and trusting him. I have been crying this morning, and for too many years. I am ready to lean.
Chapters…..
Thomas is opening a gun store and indoor shooting range. Wow. This man of mine is persistent when it comes to pursuing his dreams, and calling God on his word to rebuild, and renew visions and ideas for our family. It is a new chapter in the novel that is our lives. Manchild is learning to drive, and has a girlfriend. Little big blue eyed girl is deeply in the throes of adolescence with a tongue that can turn from honey to vinegar at a moments notice, I never actually got out of this stage, so you can see the dilemma. Seriously, she is stretching around in her cocoon, I can see it moving, and changing. I know that the butterfly getting ready to come out will be dazzling. I would be lying to you all if I said this is an easy time. I always said that I couldn’t stand the thought of the kids growing up, but now I can see what I was afraid of was them growing AWAY. That isn’t going to happen. Little lion boy is finishing up his school year strong, had the famous hygiene field trip of fifth grade today ! He is so eager for sixth grade, and to start HIS next chapter. Hope. I can see it in him. And then of course, we must not forget almost grown on my own girl…wonder when I will stop calling her that ? She is having a baby girl. Yeah, it’s hard to wrap my mind around, luckily, my heart has already grasped it, and can’t wait ! I sat there in the ultra sound room, and as they revealed the gender, I was just overwhelmed at the thought, the promise that God restores lost years, and he mends broken hearts. Thomas and I have been joking a lot about what our grandparent names will be, and this afternoon I sat out on the deck just daydreaming about what was coming, and what I will be called, and very clearly I heard God say – My name is love…and my hands are called tenderness, they reach across desserts, and the deepest pits. My thoughts toward you are as deep as the ocean floor, and as wide as the sky, you are always on my mind. My heart, it burns as hot as the sun for you. From the moment you were created, until all time is done …….I will pursue, and protect you. You are my beloved little girl, and I am your GOD.
I wrote it down, and I asked Abba, is this for my granddaughter ? He answered, ” Yes, and for your daughters, and for your mother, and your sisters, and Angie…its for you.”
The Wheels on the bus.
It was cold. It was gray, and in general dreary. But behind my glass door I stood in great anticipation….for the school bus. Listening…until, there it was, unmistakable in its effort to get up the hill by our house. It had been seven long months since I had gone to work full-time , and seven long months since I had watched Isaiah get off the bus. And then I saw him step down, monster back pack on his back, he usual hoodie . At this point, much to my embarrassment, I started to cry. I pulled myself together by the time he reached the porch. I tried to hug him, he tried to act like he was too big for that. We did our dance. Had snacks, talked about his day. As he chattered away, all I could hear was the sound of my own heart. My heart song. It sounded like …joy. Joy to be back in this place, my nest, present in the little details that at times, seem insignificant, but aren’t.
Working moms , I salute you. You don’t do less, you do MORE , you put yourself last, and then you wake up early, and do it all over again. I feel so blessed to have experienced life outside of my home, and so blessed to be finished with that season…for now. In the end, we all learned a lot. I was obedient, my kids, and husband saw that. Sometimes, it takes a whole family to make a house run, and most of all….that I am capable of more than I was giving myself credit for.
We are ready to start our next adventure….with a bang ! Hint, hint.
the ties that bind.
This week I have spent a ton of time in the past. Remembering . What binds you to someone ? Its not your marriage contract. That much I know. So…what is it ? I’ve come up with some of the ties that I think bind you to another person, whether friend, or spouse….
- KNOWING , and being Known. Inside, deeply….in the way that is raw, sometimes ugly, but always real.
- CRYING, sounds funny, but the relationships that I want to hang on to are the ones that I have with people that I can cry with. And that means Thomas…I get this look about me, and he just knows ( back to the knowing ), and he holds me. He doesnt try to make it right, just holds me. Same goes for my best friend Erin. We see each other, and we cry. We are past the point of trying to hold it back. It’s way too late for that.
- LAUGHTER. Yes ! I need it so much, who knew. It keeps me together. And in every relationship it is so valuable…ecspecially with your kids.
- PASSION. You better believe that this is a tie that will bind, your marriage will not be successful without it. It might last, but I don’t think you will be able to look back, and call it a success without passion. Husbands and Wives – HOLD ONTO EACH OTHER, late at night, and early in the morning.
- FORGIVENESS. The hardest one. Let go of hurtful words, wasted years…..move on. No one is perfect.
- DANCING. Do it. Sway in the kitchen, go to a party….remember that you are alive. Your kids will benefit from seeing you dance, I promise.
REMEMBER. Look back. Think about when, and how your love affair started. Remember the details, feel the butterflies. This is a great tool for those of you, like me, who have been married for a while. I think back to riding in the car with my husband, his strong hands on the steering wheel, and I am reminded that I thought…I don’t want this story to end, this night to end….this man holds my world in his hands. And now, after 18 years, I forget that feeling….thats why God created memories.
You can cut the ties that bind, or you can make them stronger. My history is rich. It is wild, and wooly. Funny, and sad…..it is full. My history has created a future. And I am in love…still.
Tribute.
Isaiah’s birthday was yesterday. I know, I’m a day late. It’s been that kind of week. Better later than never. I looked back over the past several years worth of blogs on here, and I realized that what I have been doing is writing a tribute to each kid on their birthday. It’s a fine idea, but I am committing to write tributes to them more often, and not just on special occasions. And so onto todays tribute. Isaiah. What can be said that hasn’t been said before ? You are spectacular. This year I learned that you are a GREAT dancer, one might even call you a …romancer. This year I learned that you care when someone is suffering, and that you know how to intercede and pray. I covet your prayers, and I treasure them. This year I saw you do things that took such strength, and I was reminded about your spirit man. That he is massive, that he is a roaring lion. When you close your eyes, and I see that fringe of eyelash, that is so thick it looks like fur…. and I say to myself…I recognize you little lion boy. I love you. I admire you. I bless your spirit with the kind of joy that makes you strong, and the kind of peace that does not come from this world, but from deep inside. Happy Birthday .
heart strings.
Pulled tight, sound sharp.
stretched to the limit with too much give.
Is there a happy medium ? I would like to say – since going back to work, but that would not be accurate. So, I will say, since becoming a mother, my heartstrings are always out of whack. Or out of tune, or maybe that’s the way they are supposed to sound. I’m home today. Isaiah had his fifth ear surgery, I’m so grateful that it’s only ear surgery, and I’m so pissed that it is still going on. This boy, this lion of mine, so strong, and still so young. It is impossible that he is about to be Eleven.
At this time of year in particular, I think of Mary. So young, and so strong. With heartstrings too. My hero. The task of raising a man is hard enough, but raising the KING OF THE WORLD, knowing that you would let him go, for love. Gets me every time.
There are days when I am so confused, so heartbroken, so overwhelmed with all that we have on our plates. I hate those days, and I love those days. It’s on those days that Abba whispers….you were made for this. And so, my heartstrings play their song, a song that, at times does not seem melodious , or soothing , and that has yet to resolve the dissonance, but it is there, the song that my children respond to. It’s why they snuggle me, seek me out, reach for my hand. It’s the song. It can be sweet, out of tune and with clashing harmonies at times, but it is ours. We were made for this.
Oh brother….
Shalom Bringing peace to chaos. What a word. It really packs a punch. That was the topic in City Kids this morning. Of course, if I am about to welcome 40 kids and pray for peace over the service, you know that means that MY kids were fighting in the car on the way. Does God give you peace if you are yelling when you ask for it ? Yep, I can vouch for that.
Once we got everyone in small groups we asked the kids (1st- 5th graders), an area of their lives that needed shalom, peace being brought into chaos. 98% of them said sibling relationships were the area that they most needed peace. Let’s think about that for a minute. The enemy has been coming against the sibling relationship since Cain and Abel. Why ? I believe that it’s because there is power there, no one else knows you like a sibling, you share so many of the same stories, traditions, funny memories, and let’s face it….crazy parents. So, we prayed for shalom to invade our homes, our schools, but most of all, our families. We prayed that the peace that comes , will come from the inside , the peace that Jesus puts there, and it will reveal itself in the midst of chaos. Amen to that. The lesson was right on time for me, and mine. God is good. I hope that shalom will be a theme in your home this week, this season, this very minute. Peace.
All parts of the whole.
Months ago I was part of planning a women’s retreat. I was happy to be asked to help, so I said yes, even though, I didn’t really feel like I had anything to offer. As it turned out my hob was purchasing stones from a craft store, and writing words on them. Not just words…names. Names that our Father calls us by, even though we may not recognize them. I see it as ….leaning into your name. For most of us, it takes practice. Back to the story. I bought the stones, not really feeling that inspired. But, as I started to pray for help, it came. My help came in the form of some very special names for these stones. I started to realize the power in , simply asking. I noticed one of the stones was shaped like a heart. THIS inspired me. The Lord said…wholehearted, thats what this rock will say. I thought it was remarkable. I was actually envious of the woman who would choose this rock, the woman that would have her Father look upon her, and call her name WHOLEHEARTED.
The night before the retreat the ladies and I gathered for an intimate time of sharing. We decided to pull our stones early, and pray for each other. I told them about the heart shaped one, and how my excitement was building to see the woman that would choose it. We all close our eyes ( at least I did), and prayed. These ladies , each so special, with open hearts, and ears…silently picked my rock for me. wholehearted. I was wrecked, and tried in my own power to figure out all that it meant. There was some healing that took place inside me that weekend, but God is always working in the big picture, and I usually, am not. Just when I thought I had it figured out…..I listened to a beautiful talk the other day on my lunch break. In my car. With tears streaming down my face, he revealed more.
The talk was given by a lady named Brene Brown. She is a researcher, and a storyteller. She spent six years gathering data, and stories about Connection. Interestingly enough ,all of the stories of connection had a whole to do with shame, and heartbreak. It became evident that there were two groups of people, the ones with valid connections, and the ones who were always seeking connection, but never quite finding what they were looking for. The only difference she could find after examining her data over and over….the ones with true connections believed that they were WORTH loving, and knowing, the others simply….did not. She typed up this data, and she put it in a folder. On the front of the folder she wrote…Wholehearted. Do you see why I was crying over my chick-fil-a that day ? HE brought it back around, when I had not thought of my name in months, there it was. Revelation.
I have been moaning, lamenting really, my lack of connection. I don’t want to come to a Bible study, and look at all the other people’s connections. I want to be invited to coffee, to a group of girls’ night out. I was being very picky. What the Lord revealed to me was that I hide who I am, therefore making it impossible for women to make a real connection with me. What ? Me ? Have you read my blog Lord ? He said yes, it doesn’t count. It makes you feel transparent, but it’s not enough. Angie- you have to have enough courage to be vulnerable. I am working on it.
He already calls me, wholehearted. And he knows me better than anyone else. I accept that I will spend the rest of my life living up to the name. I have been blessed with a few women who are courageous enough to be vulnerable with me. Those women amaze me, consistently. I am learning to tell the story of who I am, not on this blog, but in real life.
spending my life…..
It feels like I am spending my life on a Merry-Go-Round. What’s fun as a kid, can make your stomach hurt as an adult. I am getting used to working now, the getting up early, and going to bed early. BUT, I hate waiting for the weekend, and I hate how fast it flies by. Round and round we go…. kid’s stuff, cleaning, pay the bills, plan the week ahead…and what of you Lord? The one my heart needs so much, the one I love….I’m squeezing in between birthday parties, and cleaning the bathroom. I need more. I am trying to write more poems, and love songs to you….less blues. You say that I am stronger than I believe, and I ignore you, and wrap up in a blanket of my need. Help me to slow down in my head, to treasure my drive to work, my drive home, the times that I am alone with you. Give me an anticipation for those moments. I know you will, I feel it already. Thank you. Make me present in every moment, not thinking about tomorrow. How simple it sounds, how ridiculous it feels to write it. Most of all, just keep on showing up when I call you….goodnight.
Amwirth.blog 