Watching this saga through the window of time . Holding on loosely, and then letting go of all that has been mine. Laughing and crying on any given day , remembering and lamenting the things you say.
Being a mother never stops, it changes , it starts like Niagara Falls and it rolls like class five rapids during certain seasons. There are days and months where it’s quiet like a stream you see in your backyard, and eventually it’s the peaceful place where you sit and watch the sun dance in the mornings , and set in the evenings.
I’m some where in the middle , and I’m never bored, never disengaged , I’m all in . This motherhood is the lesson of my life , the curriculum that the greatest teacher of all time chose to reach me, to teach me, to change me , to break me and to build me .
Some days you have a headache, and it doesn’t matter you get groceries anyways.
Some days your kids get in trouble, and it breaks your heart wide open enough to love them even more.
Some days it rains while the sun is shining and you laugh because it’s a perfect illustration of the contradictions of this life.
Some days you watch your tall blue eyed girl do tricks in the pool and everything is right with the world, even if it isn’t.
🎶time makes you bolder , even children get older , I’m getting older too. 🎶
Can anyone help me with this? The answer is yes and no. No earthly man or woman can help me . No advice , no wisdom, no experience can ease the transition. Only love , the noun , the person , Jesus. No kidding y’all , it’s a real situation over here . Changes , growing pains, and the truth is that no one can prepare you. I need grace , thank God there is an abundance of that offered to me . I need patience, I have been a b%#* to live with . I need time, I need it to slow down, I want the days to multiply. I need time travel. I want to go back. But , I can’t . So I need joy , I need it every morning when I wake up and I need it in the afternoon , and I need it in the evening . Joy that that comes from knowing that I’ve loved so deeply that it hurts me this much to see them grow up . A promise that roots have been planted deeply enough that they will always come back. Oh ! I pray for a tether , invisible to the eye , but indestructible, that will connect them to me .
This year as Mother’s Day comes my way, I am covered in emotions. Good and bad. There is commotion in my spirit, and thoughts and feelings are building. I realize what I want is for my children to KNOW me. I want to be known for never giving up , even though there were times I said, “I’m done” . I want to be known for a million I love yous , and bedtime songs, my constant searching for heart shaped stones, silky robes, and coffee . Standing tall for what I thought was right, and saying I’m sorry when I fall. And this… The prayers that they didn’t even know were being prayed, the late night research, emails, blog posts, crying fits petitioning all of heaven… I want to be known for those. I want to be known well enough that I’m forgiven my failings, forgiven my reasoning , and worry that I thought was wisdom. It’s a tall order for my kids, but not for God. The giver of every gift has all of this wrapped up for me . It’s grace, and it’s enough, it makes me enough. Don’t get me wrong , I still want them to write me a song, and give me multitudes of cards, but most of all I want them to keep on getting to know me. And to stop being mad that they were the ONLY KIDS in the world who didn’t get to see Post Malone last night. The end .
Some days are easy, and laughter is the soundtrack that we live by. Some days are hard as hell with harsh words and hurt feelings. The house is the same, the dogs are the same, but the battle is different. I’m learning. Sorry to tell you , STILL learning what it looks like to pick my weapons and yield them with skill.
On one of these hard days, if I talk too much, give instructions, or even offer the wrong snack…I lose you to yourself. But if I can remember, if I can control my words , and let God lead me in the tiniest of ways…Your favorite song on the radio, a funny memory that you shared on a better day, an out of the ordinary treat to snack on, then you might soften, open up and see all that is good . It’s like taking an arrow of kindness out of my quiver , and pointing it precisely at your heart. I can’t do it alone , I have to listen to the Lord , he knows you better than me. But I’m becoming a pretty good shot. And the beautiful part…the more arrows I use , the more he gives me.
It’s been a long pause. A pregnant silence . There have been months of change over here. Life interrupted in a most entertaining way. My mom lives with me now. Take that in. We are all growing , changing , adjusting, and loving. My kids are happier than ever . This addition to our family has made their hearts stretch , their minds open , they are more generous with their time. It’s good and it’s right. It’s not always easy, but it’s worth it. My mom has always been my number one fan, and I forgot what it was like to live with her. So now 24 hours a day she is here. If I need someone to listen , she does , if I need someone to take my side , she will. That’s good stuff y’all.
I’ve been encouraged and implored to start blogging again. I’m 44 with a full life . Kids grown and not. Three dogs , that keep me sane, a husband that I’m in love with , and a mother living with me . I love the Lord, and I hear him. Is there a place for my thoughts ? Do you want to hear the extraordinary ordinary of my every day?
If you are a mother with a daughter and a mother with a mother , then you know…it’s perfection and problematic all at the same time . As I look at her lying there , wearing that skin that’s paper thin and soft as a newborns, I wonder how we got here . I take my eyes off the road, and I’m swept away with fear. Memories float across my mind like snowflakes , each one different and too light to hold. You , larger than life , dancing with a smile on your face. You , laughing loud and throwing your head back. Bath time conversations are constant. You …tying me to a safe place when I start to scatter into pieces. You losing your place and getting off track. I want it all back . All the time. All the days. With my mom. Hey my little baby girl, you’re my sunshine and l love your light. Every day and every night I pray for time to crawl , and even now I hear you call…mama. I answer , I always will. We will hold hands , and hearts all the days , all the times . I’ll sing and dance so hard. I’ll laugh and throw my head back. I’ll tell you stories and smell your neck. I’ll anchor you when you get too far. I may lose my way, I’ll be back. I’m your mom. You’re my daughter. I’m your mommy. You are my mother. I am your daughter. It’s the circle of life. Never ending.
Recently my husband came home from a retreat, he was fired up and beautiful! He was ready to take the helm and be the spiritual leader of our home . Initially I said , yes, thank you Lord ! But I started to think , where does this leave me , what’s my role ? I lamented , and I asked the lord . And I feel like I have a pretty clear answer. So let’s dive in . Truth- my husband is the spiritual leader , and I am to lean on him , he is strong and steadfast . I have no doubts about him. It’s me that I find a little squirrelly:) I love when the lord gives me clear answers and today he did . Maybe this is for you too , answers to questions you haven’t even spoken out loud . So here goes , I am the roots and the river. I plant seeds , I till the ground , I cultivate relationships and compromise. I am the river flowing with compassion and yet raging against the stones of time. I am the keeper of many tales of scandalous grace , mine and my children’s . I speak to them on a regular basis of the mysteries of mercy. So I will continue on doing my part, navigating but not alone . I am so thankful for the strong tower that my husband is . Whether he knows it or not , he made all of my giving , my loving , my growing … possible .
When the flame of Love lights up your dark and When the love inside you burns so hot that it changes your surroundings… When the warmth of that Love protects you from the hypothermia of your every day…when solids become liquids and mountains become dust… when the fire cools to ashes and the ashes turn to beauty…. you know heavens fingers have touched the earth. All of my feelings on the day of your birth.
There were two friends called truth and light . They go happily together hand in hand . They walk through the forests and the valleys of shadow with courage. The sinister villain, darkness has followed them , too closely, at times . He has even touched them … but he will never hold them . Together , they are strong . Truth and light share the strongest force of all …. love. It’s the one thing darkness is powerless against.
I am feeling funny this birthday morning . The Lord has been revealing things to me that have been long forgotten, long covered by earth, and memory and time. Some of the revelations are hurting me , but mostly they are healing me. HE is giving me truth , so that I can walk in light. The very best birthday gift of all. Each year brings new wisdom. I am 43 years wise !