Thank you mama….

Thank you mama….

For holding me when I wanted to be held
For working so hard
For hearing me call for you , even when I didn’t speak 
For putting up with me through all my phases. 
For telling me how beautiful I am
And for believing it
For showing me that dancing in the kitchen is good, and might just be what keeps us alive. 
For always seeing the woman I was supposed to be, and not just the girl  I was.
For instilling in my core, that love is all there is, all there was, all we ever needed, and all we can hope to be. 
For all of this, and for tickling my arms and mending my heart so many times…. Thank you. Happy Mothers Day from one broken, redeemed, tired, and grateful mama to another one. 

When you’re 15…

  

I can’t say it as spot on as Taylor Swift, but 🎶when you’re 15 and somebody tells you they love you , you’re gonna believe them 🎶

   So hear this: I love you. I see you. I hear you. I trust you. I am proud of you. I like to hug you, and sing with you, and eat with you. 

You’re 15 and I can’t even believe it. They told me time flies, but I only closed my eyes for a second, and here we are. Pig tails and hair bows have given way to eyeliner and curls. And that’s ok. Watching you grow every day is my greatest joy. It’s not easy figuring out who you are going to be, and if it takes a little time, well that’s alright with me. I love you Belle. If you couldn’t tell. Long legs and beautiful smiles, laughter , and kindness , courage and love. Most of all love. These are my birthday wishes for you.  

 

Come to me

Young girls that are hurting are vulnerable . They are easy targets for the wolves at our doors. I know from experience the search for love will lead you into exile. Even girls who love the Lord will find that there are weak spots in their armor , when the the world becomes their refuge . The only help, the only way to derail this pain train is Jesus. And of course , Holy Spirit. The same word that God used for woman in genesis , is the word that means Holy Spirit. Helper, nurturer….the peace in the midst of chaos. Heavy heart today for the young ones out there today. The ones searching. Praying that they find truest love in their grasp . And for the older ones who have looked for years and still don’t know….He is all you need, His love is bigger than your past and present .

Come to me
Sit with me
Let me hold you and rub your hair
Come and lay down what you’ve had to bear.
I will hold your tears, give back the lost years.
Just come.
I’ll whisper and I’ll sing a song just for you
The words strong, the promises true.
Come to me, little baby ….I see you.

Yesterday morning I stopped running from my broken heart.

  Yesterday morning I stopped running from my broken heart. Yeah, that. The process got started at the women’s retreat last weekend, and I don’t know when it will be complete. But I am not running. My broken heart really started when I was 14 years old. My daughter will turn 14 in a couple of months, and it has been like a nightmare that causes me to twist and turn, and tear up my sheets at night.  What I know is that you won’t actually die from your broken heart, but the ways you find to cope with it on a daily basis, and the ground you lose in your battle to be your REAL you…could kill you. So, I woke up yesterday and I looked my husband in the eye and said – you saved my life. I might have thought it a time or two over the last 19 years, but I never said it. So …I opened my mouth, and let the words fall out. And then I cried for that 14 year old girl who was pressured, unsure, scared, pushed around, spit on…left to rot. I thanked God that I was never lost to him, he had marked me, and knew where I was at every turn. I held my daughter and I smelled her hair…she is covered, and I blessed her her spirit with the secrets it takes to be strong. I let my husband hold me while I stood still and felt my broken heart. It hurts. But it is better than pretending that it doesn’t, while you walk around in chains that other people can’t see. The chains were keeping me from doing so many things that I want to do ! My next big step will be to share my story, my broken heart with my daughter. It’s a day I have been dreading, and running from. I will be still with her, I will be who I am, and allow her to see the broken and how it is starting to heal. My story will indeed unlock the chains that have been around my heart holding it together.

Chapters…..

Thomas is opening a gun store and indoor shooting range. Wow. This man of mine is persistent when it comes to pursuing his dreams, and calling God on his word to rebuild,  and renew visions and ideas for our family. It is a new chapter in the novel that is our lives. Manchild is learning to drive, and has a girlfriend. Little big blue eyed girl is deeply in the throes of adolescence with a tongue that can turn from honey to vinegar at a moments notice, I never actually got out of this stage, so you can see the dilemma.  Seriously, she is stretching around in her cocoon, I can see it moving, and changing.  I know that the butterfly getting ready to come out will be dazzling.  I would be lying to you all if I said this is an easy time. I always said that I couldn’t stand the thought of the kids growing up, but now I can see what I was afraid of was them growing  AWAY That isn’t going to happen.  Little lion boy is finishing up his school year strong, had the famous hygiene field trip of fifth grade today !  He is so eager for sixth grade, and to start HIS next chapter. Hope. I can see it in him. And then of course, we must not forget almost grown on my own girl…wonder when I will stop calling her that ? She is having a baby girl. Yeah, it’s hard to wrap my mind around, luckily, my heart has already grasped it, and can’t wait ! I sat there in the ultra sound room, and as they revealed the gender, I was just overwhelmed at the thought, the promise that God restores lost years, and he mends broken hearts. Thomas and I have been joking a lot about what our grandparent names will be, and this afternoon I sat out on the deck just daydreaming about what was coming, and what I will be called, and very clearly I heard God say – My name is love…and my hands are called tenderness, they reach across desserts, and the deepest pits.  My thoughts toward you are as deep as the ocean floor, and as wide as the sky, you are always on my mind.  My heart, it  burns as hot as the sun for you.  From the moment you were created, until all time is done …….I will pursue, and protect you. You are my beloved little girl,  and I am your GOD.  

I wrote it down, and I asked Abba, is this for my granddaughter ? He answered,  ” Yes, and for your daughters, and for your mother, and your sisters, and Angie…its for you.”