nest…. The word that keeps giving

Nest: to fit perfectly inside each other. Ex- nesting dolls. 

        Yeshua is mine, he lives on the inside of me, and fits perfectly there. I belong to him, and he carries me in his body, in his heart. I never need to thirst again. Living water is running through the canals and infrastructure of my person. I can operate from a place of contentment out of this knowing that the work is done, we fit perfectly inside each other. From that place of lotus land (paradise) I  can feather my nest, give my best, set the stage … For my children, my husband, my family and friends. Simply because the HE, the  living well , the prince of peace and provision and even patience …. Is enough. 

Marriage, and what it’s made of…

Time… If you are lucky
Trial and error … If you care enough
Laughter…the only medicine
Sex….marriage was designed for intimacy
Tears… Some happy, some not
Food. Spicy .
Colds and chicken soup
Coffee in bed or on the deck
Many many Christmas Eve nights in front of a fire
Road trips
Roller coasters
Broken bones
Broken hearts
Safe places
Beaches where you plan the rest of your lives
Movies and popcorn
Weddings and funerals
The deepest knowledge of who your husband or wife is.
You SEEING me.

Marriage is this and so much more. It’s primitive and progressive. It’s the love in action. It’s a verb.

Love…the choice.

Summer is a party for the earth. A celebration for creation. When you are sad, or worried, or stressed out by the dailies…it’s hard to engage in everything that summer has to offer. I’ve been guilty of this, and I want OUT ! Out of my head, and into my heart. So, I write. I put my head down and I let words emerge without a thought of what the conclusion of my thoughts might be. Sometimes it’s me, and other times, it’s clearly Jesus. So here goes….my path out of my head, and into my heart.

                     Love bears all things, Love bears all things…..

                     Love doesn’t see the writing on the wall, Love doesn’t watch as you fall, but will pick you up if you call

                     Love just keeps on giving, Love bears all things

                    Love doesn’t forget your face, Love doesn’t try to put you in your place

                    Love just keeps on lifting. Love bears all things

                    Love doesn’t give you what you deserve, Love doesn’t care what dinner you serve

                    Love just keeps on coming back for more, keeps right on knocking on your door

                     Love bears all things…..

                     Love doesn’t kick you out, or leave when you shout

                    Love teaches, and tries. Love bears all things

                   Love lets you walk away, wakes up new each day, surrounds you, and holds you tight, never reminds you who won the fight

                   Love takes a beating, it’s worth repeating, again, and again.

                   Love breathes, and grows….Love breaks, and heals, Love is alive and bears all things




The Key.


A rendering of Queen Esther

Where to start this morning…Which way to go….there are so many things I could say ! It is TRUE, my story has been the key to unlocking so many of yours ! I stand amazed at the way God works, even now. Your individual stories touch me, and keep my heart soft. Your words of love and encouragement open my eyes to the fact that God is indeed restoring my lost years. Not just the years of my youth, but the years spent believing lies about myself. So…I will start here today. I am still asking the Lord to show me the truth about myself. Who am I ? What do you want from me ? What character am I in your story ? These questions roll through my mind.

We got up early, and made it to the first service this past Sunday. It was not a great morning in our house, there were bad hair days, dirty fingernails, and wayward dogs. Use your imagination, there might have been some yelling. It didn’t matter, we were going ! And I am so glad that we did. As I stood,  arms raised in worship of the one who is presently saving me, a gentleman came over and spoke to my husband and I. He said that as he looked over at me that God had said, ” Queen Esther ” , he said that my willingness to be vulnerable and truthful about my life would save generations. Thomas and I were both crying. We thanked him for coming over, and then I thanked God for giving me a glimpse of Who I am. When I posted my story I had a vision of freeing my daughters, and my granddaughter…but God has spoken of other women, and their daughters…generations,outside of my immediate family. Amazing. Queen Esther was an orphan, and I have been as well. At first Esther did not want to intercede on behalf of her people to the king, she was afraid. In Esther 4:14 Mordecai ( Esther’s Uncle ) gives her this advice…If you keep silent now, relief and deliverance will rise for your people from some other place, but you and your father’s house will perish. Who knows ? Perhaps you have come into the kingdom for such a time as this !  Esther took her time, she fasted, and gained favor with God, and when the time was right, she shared her story, and unlocked freedom for the Jews.  I believe that is true for all of us. Don’t keep silent to save your foolish pride, tell your story, become the heroine, unlock your future with your past. God has handed you the key.

the story.

It had been going on for weeks….his flirting, his kindness, his deception.  He listened intently when I spoke, and stood up for me when some other silly high schooler  made a joke at my expense.  It is only now, as a 40 year old wife and mother that I recognize what my 14 year old self was feeling…safe.  His attention made me feel safe, and entirely different from my normally unsure, just on the outside of the popular crowd, girl that I actually was.  He was 17, and larger than life. A junior, a football player…Mr. Popular.  In my small country school everyone knew him, or feared him, or wanted to be known by him.  He had a girlfriend, one of the elite, a cheerleader. I was sure that she would be fine when he broke up with her, she would bounce right back…she had everything.  If only I could have seen around corners.

                                             I remember him saying – you need to invite me over sometime when your mama isn’t there, so we can work all this out.  I was so happy. He liked me. This was going to be the day that he chose me.  And so when my mom left that evening, I called him. Then he was there, in my driveway, in my living room….in my bedroom, that he just had to see.  In the space of a few minutes I realized that his plan, and my plan looked drastically different. Physically, he was bigger, and stronger, and suddenly pushy. Mentally, I was struggling, and strained to get back that feeling of safety that I had thought he offered me.  It was gone, and so was my innocence. And then …so was he.  I believe now, that I was in shock, I was shaking, and shaken.   I gave him time to get home, and then I called him, crying ” what have we done?”  He told me then that he was never going to break up with his girlfriend, and then he hung up on me. I cried myself to sleep, broken open. Surely, at school he would be different.

                                  Morning came, and I walked through the halls searching the faces for his. There he was, standing by the water fountain with a group of friends. I gathered all the courage that the 14 year old me had, and walked over. He grinned at his friends, then bent and filled his mouth with water. He raised his head from the fountain, and spit all over me, covering my shirt. He walked away laughing. I walked away a ghost, where a girl had been.

                       All of his friends knew, and then his girlfriend. And she laid out a battle plan to make me miserable. If she only could have known…I was already in misery. She had her friends call me names, spit on me, throw things at me…classic bullying. It got so bad that my 2 best friends told me that they could not be seen with me anymore, the ridicule was running off onto them, and they just couldn’t take it. I did not blame them.  I began to eat my lunch in the office, the cafeteria was too close to hell on earth. I was utterly alone. I wanted to die, but I remember thinking…I don’t know how. I don’t know how to die. I know now that I was being held by the most sacred love, but at the time I felt a nagging inside of me all the time. I changed schools several times before eventually dropping out. And for so many years that brought such shame, and sadness for what I could’ve been. The girl that was me was gone, and had to be grieved. I just found that out.

                                 I spent the next several years looking for someone to love me, and make me feel safe. At the ripe old age of 20, I started an affair with a married man, and then I became his second wife. The lies that I believed about myself were all being confirmed, I was never good enough to be first, I was dirty, shameful, unworthy.  My new husband did not know the Lord, but he was kind to me.  He saved my life. And when we had been married for a year and a half THE LORD SAVED HIM ! He was a new creation. We have been married 18 1/2 years now, and it is still growing and changing. As I realize where I am fractured, and where the lies that I have believed have caused decay…even in my beautiful marriage, even in my parenting of my beautiful children….I start to heal, and hear the truth about myself.  I believed that I was ugly, the Lord says I’m beautiful in an epic way (still trying to figure that one out), I believed that no one could ever really love me, the Lord says I am worth extravagant love ! My husband is the best example of this, but also my kids. I did tell my almost 14 year old this story. I was scared, and ashamed…but she cried and held me as if she knew the 14 year old me, we grieved together, and are stronger for it.

             I had to pull all of this up, and sort it out. I had been naïve, mislead, and bullied…the worst part was, that I was still letting it happen as a grown woman.  I am new, resurrected…a better wife, and a better mom. A better daughter.  I know it was long, I hope it brought light.


the ties that bind.

This week I have spent a ton of time in the past. Remembering . What binds you to someone ? Its not your marriage contract. That much I know.  So…what is it ? I’ve come up with some of the ties that I think bind you to another person, whether friend, or spouse….

  •                  KNOWING , and being Known. Inside, deeply….in the way that is raw, sometimes ugly, but always real.
  • CRYING, sounds funny, but the relationships that I want to hang on to are the ones that I have with people that I can cry with. And that means Thomas…I get this look about me, and he just knows ( back to the knowing ), and he holds me. He doesnt try to make it right, just holds me. Same goes for my best friend Erin. We see each other, and we cry. We are past the point of trying to hold it back. It’s way too late for that.
  • LAUGHTER. Yes !  I need it so much, who knew. It keeps me together. And in every relationship it is so valuable…ecspecially with your kids.
  • PASSION. You better believe that this is a tie that will bind, your marriage will not be successful without it. It might last, but I don’t think you will be able to look back, and call it a success without passion. Husbands and Wives – HOLD ONTO EACH OTHER, late at night, and early in the morning.
  • FORGIVENESS. The hardest one. Let go of hurtful words, wasted years…..move on. No one is perfect.
  • DANCING. Do it. Sway in the kitchen, go to a party….remember that you are alive. Your kids will benefit from seeing you dance, I promise.

REMEMBER. Look back. Think about when, and how your love affair started. Remember the details, feel the butterflies. This is a great tool for those of you, like me, who have been married for a while. I think back to riding in the car with my husband, his strong hands on the steering wheel, and I am reminded that I thought…I don’t want this story to end, this night to end….this man holds my world in his hands. And now, after 18 years, I forget that feeling….thats why God created memories.

You can cut the ties that bind, or you can make them stronger. My history is rich. It is wild, and wooly. Funny, and sad… is full. My history has created a future. And I am in love…still.


It’s been a while since I have put a poem, or a song on this blog.  I have been busy writing about the everyday.  Funny thing is…every  psalm,  poem , and song that I write is also about the every day.  My everyday. So here goes. Enjoy.


What if I run so far that you never find me ? And what if I drive this car so fast, that I forget the past ?

What if I walk away from my every day ?

Will you come for me ? Will love remind me ?

What if I give up now, and break this vow ? Will your love forgive me ? Will your love rescue me ?

And what if I stay ….What if I say….I can’t make it through a day, without you….will your love fight for me , draw it’s sword, and lay down it’s life for me ?

                          Every day we choose. And some battles, we lose. But instead of giving up…we give in.  And in the end,

                                       LOVE wins.