This week I have spent a ton of time in the past. Remembering . What binds you to someone ? Its not your marriage contract. That much I know. So…what is it ? I’ve come up with some of the ties that I think bind you to another person, whether friend, or spouse….
- KNOWING , and being Known. Inside, deeply….in the way that is raw, sometimes ugly, but always real.
- CRYING, sounds funny, but the relationships that I want to hang on to are the ones that I have with people that I can cry with. And that means Thomas…I get this look about me, and he just knows ( back to the knowing ), and he holds me. He doesnt try to make it right, just holds me. Same goes for my best friend Erin. We see each other, and we cry. We are past the point of trying to hold it back. It’s way too late for that.
- LAUGHTER. Yes ! I need it so much, who knew. It keeps me together. And in every relationship it is so valuable…ecspecially with your kids.
- PASSION. You better believe that this is a tie that will bind, your marriage will not be successful without it. It might last, but I don’t think you will be able to look back, and call it a success without passion. Husbands and Wives – HOLD ONTO EACH OTHER, late at night, and early in the morning.
- FORGIVENESS. The hardest one. Let go of hurtful words, wasted years…..move on. No one is perfect.
- DANCING. Do it. Sway in the kitchen, go to a party….remember that you are alive. Your kids will benefit from seeing you dance, I promise.
REMEMBER. Look back. Think about when, and how your love affair started. Remember the details, feel the butterflies. This is a great tool for those of you, like me, who have been married for a while. I think back to riding in the car with my husband, his strong hands on the steering wheel, and I am reminded that I thought…I don’t want this story to end, this night to end….this man holds my world in his hands. And now, after 18 years, I forget that feeling….thats why God created memories.
You can cut the ties that bind, or you can make them stronger. My history is rich. It is wild, and wooly. Funny, and sad…..it is full. My history has created a future. And I am in love…still.
It feels like I am spending my life on a Merry-Go-Round. What’s fun as a kid, can make your stomach hurt as an adult. I am getting used to working now, the getting up early, and going to bed early. BUT, I hate waiting for the weekend, and I hate how fast it flies by. Round and round we go…. kid’s stuff, cleaning, pay the bills, plan the week ahead…and what of you Lord? The one my heart needs so much, the one I love….I’m squeezing in between birthday parties, and cleaning the bathroom. I need more. I am trying to write more poems, and love songs to you….less blues. You say that I am stronger than I believe, and I ignore you, and wrap up in a blanket of my need. Help me to slow down in my head, to treasure my drive to work, my drive home, the times that I am alone with you. Give me an anticipation for those moments. I know you will, I feel it already. Thank you. Make me present in every moment, not thinking about tomorrow. How simple it sounds, how ridiculous it feels to write it. Most of all, just keep on showing up when I call you….goodnight.
I could write a book about all the things that I have learned in my first two weeks as a full time working mother. But I won’t, at least not tonight. I have learned some very trivial things, like, the fact that I CAN get up early, And I can walk in heels. Both very important, and nothing to do with this post. I’ve learned that it feels good to have some purpose outside of my home, and it feels good to have people say that I am smart, and capable. Really good, in fact. Mostly, I’ve learned just how much I love my kids. I have missed them like crazy. When I get home, the hours that we have together are like gold to me. I want to hear their stories, EVERY detail (this wasn’t always the case before), and I want to hold them, and stare at them. It’s as if my senses are heightened. No joke. And that is worth the getting up early, the late night laundry…all of it. Thank you to everyone who has prayed for our transition, we are doing great.
A family that we met when we lived in Fort Mill lost one of their treasures this week. He was 23. He was a violinist, he was a student, a son, and a friend. And he is gone. I am praying, and praying, and believing that the peace they need is coming. This too, has made me acutely aware of my children, my life. It’s so good. Even in the struggle, it’s good. So tonight will be the night of a thousand kisses, and snuggles , and sweet words. And somehow in the hustle and bustle, I will try to hold on to these heightened senses of mine. goodnight.
And goodnight to Jonathan Dailey’s family, may all the prayers of all the people that you know, and don’t know cover you, and keep you.