Months ago I was part of planning a women’s retreat. I was happy to be asked to help, so I said yes, even though, I didn’t really feel like I had anything to offer. As it turned out my hob was purchasing stones from a craft store, and writing words on them. Not just words…names. Names that our Father calls us by, even though we may not recognize them. I see it as ….leaning into your name. For most of us, it takes practice. Back to the story. I bought the stones, not really feeling that inspired. But, as I started to pray for help, it came. My help came in the form of some very special names for these stones. I started to realize the power in , simply asking. I noticed one of the stones was shaped like a heart. THIS inspired me. The Lord said…wholehearted, thats what this rock will say. I thought it was remarkable. I was actually envious of the woman who would choose this rock, the woman that would have her Father look upon her, and call her name WHOLEHEARTED.
The night before the retreat the ladies and I gathered for an intimate time of sharing. We decided to pull our stones early, and pray for each other. I told them about the heart shaped one, and how my excitement was building to see the woman that would choose it. We all close our eyes ( at least I did), and prayed. These ladies , each so special, with open hearts, and ears…silently picked my rock for me. wholehearted. I was wrecked, and tried in my own power to figure out all that it meant. There was some healing that took place inside me that weekend, but God is always working in the big picture, and I usually, am not. Just when I thought I had it figured out…..I listened to a beautiful talk the other day on my lunch break. In my car. With tears streaming down my face, he revealed more.
The talk was given by a lady named Brene Brown. She is a researcher, and a storyteller. She spent six years gathering data, and stories about Connection. Interestingly enough ,all of the stories of connection had a whole to do with shame, and heartbreak. It became evident that there were two groups of people, the ones with valid connections, and the ones who were always seeking connection, but never quite finding what they were looking for. The only difference she could find after examining her data over and over….the ones with true connections believed that they were WORTH loving, and knowing, the others simply….did not. She typed up this data, and she put it in a folder. On the front of the folder she wrote…Wholehearted. Do you see why I was crying over my chick-fil-a that day ? HE brought it back around, when I had not thought of my name in months, there it was. Revelation.
I have been moaning, lamenting really, my lack of connection. I don’t want to come to a Bible study, and look at all the other people’s connections. I want to be invited to coffee, to a group of girls’ night out. I was being very picky. What the Lord revealed to me was that I hide who I am, therefore making it impossible for women to make a real connection with me. What ? Me ? Have you read my blog Lord ? He said yes, it doesn’t count. It makes you feel transparent, but it’s not enough. Angie- you have to have enough courage to be vulnerable. I am working on it.
He already calls me, wholehearted. And he knows me better than anyone else. I accept that I will spend the rest of my life living up to the name. I have been blessed with a few women who are courageous enough to be vulnerable with me. Those women amaze me, consistently. I am learning to tell the story of who I am, not on this blog, but in real life.