Tag Archives: faith

just KNOWING Abba is right here.

Memorial Stones

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stones

 You call us to walk into territory that is not our own….we ask, we pray, maybe we cry…we fear. And then you lift our chins so that we can see what is before us,  there you are, there it is….again. You have carried us through, and delivered us.

                                Twelve stones you say, a memorial display …for our children, and our children’s children, a story to tell , words and memories of how we nearly fell. And when they ask how me made it , how we overcame…we will point them to you.

               In Joshua 4, the Lord tells the Israelites to pick out 12 stones and carry them from place to place , and then to  lay them down in each place where they made camp.  The Lord delivers them again and again. He tells them that the stones will be a memorial for their children to see what HE had done.  I am wondering today….do you have stones laid down, placed so that your children can see how the Lord delivers you, carries you through your struggles big, and small ? It seems important , our testimonies, not just for the lost, or for strangers, but for our kids…the generations that coming behind us. Memorial stones….think about it.

stones

Parenting.

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I’ve been trying to figure it out.  I’ve been trying not to shout.  Over complicate, over  simplify ? All I know for sure is that it changes everyday.  Lead with love ? Yes, try to.  Accept all the bull that kids try to throw at you ? No. They have been robbed, born to parents who were robbed…broken world, you get the picture.  The goal, as I see it…would be to figure out what was stolen from you … the parent, and then lean into getting it back.  There will be a price, but it will be worth it to be wholehearted.  With your heart whole and your eyes focused on the kingdom of God in the present tense , you (and by you, I mean me) will be able to fight for your kids, and help them figure out what is missing , their birthright, peace and joy…fullness. It’s my first mission to be wholehearted, and second to parent my kids. Sometimes my husband talks about going somewhere adventurous, and I make it my business to remind him that we are in treacherous terrain everyday ! We are navigating through puberty, modesty, honoring, academics, sports, thirst and hunger of the spirit, not just the body, and an enemy that wants to eat us all alive.  (my dramatic nature is not what I have robbed of, as you can see) Landmines are cleverly disguised as normal teenage life. It’s no joke.

It’s been a long time since I’ve written, there are a ton of legitimate reasons, but the only one that matters is that I did not want to sound desperate, life has thrown a few curve balls at us, and I had to process on my own for a while. It is a new season for us. I am excited, but wise enough to know that even now, during their independent years… my kids need guidance, they need me to be wholehearted so that I can be powerful in my prayers for them.  It’s hard to parent from a place of brokeness.  It makes us cry out in desperation instead of leaning into God, and trusting him.  I have been crying this morning, and for too many years. I am ready to lean.

The Wheels on the bus.

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It was cold.  It was gray, and in general dreary. But behind my glass door I stood in great anticipation….for the school bus.  Listening…until, there it was, unmistakable in its effort to get up the hill by our house. It had been seven long months since I had gone to work full-time , and seven long months since I had watched Isaiah get off the bus.  And then I saw him step down, monster back pack on his back, he usual hoodie . At this point, much to my embarrassment, I started to cry. I pulled myself together by the time he reached the porch. I tried to hug him, he tried to act like he was too big for that. We did our dance. Had snacks,  talked about his day. As he chattered away, all I could hear was the sound of my own heart. My heart song. It sounded like …joy. Joy to be back in this place, my nest, present in the little details that at times, seem insignificant, but aren’t.

Working  moms , I salute you. You don’t do less, you do MORE , you put yourself last, and then you wake up early, and do it all over again.  I feel so blessed to have experienced life outside of my home, and so blessed to be finished with that season…for now.  In the end, we all learned a lot. I was obedient, my kids, and husband saw that. Sometimes, it takes a whole family to make a house run, and most of all….that I am capable of more than I was giving myself credit for.

We are ready to start our next adventure….with a bang ! Hint, hint.

All parts of the whole.

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Months ago I was part of planning a women’s retreat. I was happy to be asked to help, so I said yes, even though, I didn’t really feel like I had anything to offer. As it turned out my hob was purchasing stones from a craft store, and writing words on them. Not just words…names. Names that our Father calls us by, even though we may not recognize them. I see it as ….leaning into your name. For most of us, it takes practice. Back to the story. I bought the stones, not really feeling that inspired. But, as I started to pray for help, it came. My help came in the form of some very special names for these stones. I started to realize the power in , simply asking. I noticed one of the stones was shaped like a heart. THIS inspired me. The Lord said…wholehearted, thats what this rock will say. I thought it was remarkable. I was actually envious of the woman who would choose this rock, the woman that would have her Father look upon her, and call her name WHOLEHEARTED.

The night before the retreat the ladies and I gathered for an intimate time of sharing. We decided to pull our stones early, and pray for each other. I told them about the heart shaped one, and how my excitement was building to see the woman that would choose it. We all close our eyes ( at least I did), and prayed. These ladies , each so special, with open hearts, and ears…silently picked my rock for me. wholehearted.  I was wrecked, and tried in my own power to figure out all that it meant. There was some healing that took place inside me that weekend, but God is always working in the big picture, and I usually, am not. Just when I thought I had it figured out…..I listened to a beautiful talk the other day on my lunch break. In my car. With tears streaming down my face, he revealed more.

The talk was given by a lady named Brene Brown. She is a researcher, and a storyteller. She spent six years gathering data, and stories about Connection. Interestingly enough ,all of the stories of connection had a whole to do with shame, and heartbreak. It became evident that there were two groups of people, the ones with valid connections, and the ones who were always seeking connection, but never quite finding what they were looking for. The only difference she could find after examining her data over and over….the ones with true connections believed that they were WORTH loving, and knowing, the others simply….did not. She typed up this data, and she put it in a folder. On the front of the folder she wrote…Wholehearted. Do you see why I was crying over my chick-fil-a that day ? HE brought it back around, when I had not thought of my name in months, there it was. Revelation.

I have been moaning, lamenting really, my lack of connection. I don’t want to come to a Bible study, and look at all the other people’s connections. I want to be invited to coffee, to a group of girls’ night out. I was being very picky. What the Lord revealed to me was that I hide who I am, therefore making it impossible for women to make a real connection with me. What ? Me ? Have you read my blog Lord ? He said yes, it doesn’t count. It makes you feel transparent, but it’s not enough. Angie- you have to have enough courage to be vulnerable. I am working on it.

He already calls me, wholehearted. And he knows me better than anyone else. I accept that I will spend the rest of my life living up to the name. I have been blessed with a few women who are courageous enough to be vulnerable with me. Those women amaze me, consistently. I am learning to tell the story of who I am, not on this blog, but in real life.

Heightened Senses, and such.

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I could write a book about all the things that I have learned in my first two weeks as a full time working mother.  But I won’t, at least not tonight.  I have learned some very trivial things, like, the fact that I CAN get up early, And I can walk in heels. Both very important, and nothing to do with this post. I’ve learned that it feels good to have some purpose outside of my home, and it feels good to have people say that I am smart, and capable. Really good, in fact. Mostly, I’ve learned just how much I love my kids. I have missed them like crazy. When I get home, the hours that we have together are like gold to me. I want to hear their stories, EVERY detail (this wasn’t always the case before), and I want to hold them, and stare at them.  It’s as if my senses are heightened. No joke.  And that is worth the getting up early, the late night laundry…all of it. Thank you to everyone who has prayed for our transition, we are doing great.

A family that we met when we lived in Fort Mill lost one of their treasures this week.  He was 23.  He was a violinist,  he was a student, a son, and a friend.   And he is gone.  I am praying, and praying, and believing that the peace they need is coming. This too,  has made me acutely  aware of my children, my life.  It’s so good.  Even in the struggle, it’s good. So tonight will be the night of a thousand kisses, and snuggles , and sweet words.  And somehow in the hustle and bustle, I will try to hold on to these heightened senses of mine. goodnight.

And goodnight to Jonathan Dailey’s  family, may all the prayers of all the people that you know, and don’t know cover you, and keep you.

Answer on the first ring….

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I talk a lot about my kids on this blog. A whole lot of lamenting, as well as boasting.  Today, I will be boasting, but I know better than anyone pride goes before a fall,  and so I will preface this post by saying I cannot take all the credit for the decisions my kids make,  good, or bad.

This one, here to the left, is a freshman this year, he is V.P. of his class, running on the XC track team, and part of the civil air patrol.  He is a good boy.  Yesterday he asked permission to ask a girl out.  Without a doubt, there was a part of me that wanted to panic, and maybe even cry a little. But the main part of me was overjoyed that he was sharing this with me. That he is handling it on the up and up. He is listening to me as I talk about perimeters , and boundaries…it sounded like a strategic battle meeting, and still he heard me out, and agreed to my terms.

Now this one, here to the right…she is a hand full, I always say she is just like me, but she is not…she is so much more. I gave her a hug before church this morning, and stuck my hand in her pocket ( I’m just like that, I snoop, I suspect…its a problem).

I pulled out a tiny, folded piece of paper with an – AHA ! I opened it up, tears came when I realized that it said…you are beautiful, Jesus loves you, Live for him. Yeah. Her goodness surprised me. That made me feel bad, but it was a short lived emotion, because I was too busy PRAISING GOD that she KNOWS him. And so, I am praying today. If you have sons, and daughters, small, or big….join me.

Abba- There is a generation rising up to  meet you, to know you.  I know because my treasures are part of that generation. They are calling you. Answer them on the first ring, the first ring  Papa. They are calling out through the darkness of the culture that surrounds them looking for your light. I’m asking that you not let their call go to voice mail, but that you will pick up on the first ring. Love you- Angie

the written word.

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I got a job.  A full time job.  Talk about a shock to the system.  I am tired mentally, and physically.  I have been in pjs all day today ….just because I can be.   I have worried about the transition a lot.  That is putting it mildly, I have obsessed about how the kids will do, and how the house will run. So far …so good.  I had an idea to get a notebook for Belle, and one for Z.  I write in this notebook every night before bed, and then leave it out in the kitchen for them to read when they get home from school the  next afternoon. It has a list of things for them to do, get a snack, start homework, take out the trash….and then I write a paragraph or so asking about their day, telling them that I can’t wait to get home,  and see their faces, and to write me back if they want to.  So far Belle has written both days, Z none.  Shocking.  Not really. I’m not sure the notebooks mean anything to them yet, but they mean everything to me. There is power in the written word. The power to speak to their spirits even though I’m not with them. There is power in showing them that you have the time to sit down and write, even though you don’t get to come for the field trip.  That notebook goes a long way toward easing my mommy guilt. I recommend it, even if you don’t work.  Sometimes you can be far away even when you are at home.

The husband of a dear friend of mine wrote her a poem. He is not a poet, or a writer, but his spirit is connected to the LOVER above all other lovers, and he listened to his heart, and wrote the most beautiful love letter. There is power in the written word. Power, and healing, and…hope.

Seasons.

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Yesterday I sent out ten resumes.   I was pretty proud of myself, and thinking it was the right time.  Literally,ten minutes after said resumes had been sent, and a post on face book had been made…the school nurse called.  Isaiah had a stomach ache,   and had been in twice, could I pick him up ? Was that a sign ? Coincidence ? It makes me a little wary to get a job right now.  I might be rushing it.  Whether his stomach ache was a virus, or brought on by stress…it was there.  He is doing a great job with school, and I am very proud of him. But my job here, at home, is not done yet.  I will trust my gut on this one.

Adam won the election for ninth grade vice president ! His first cross country meet is today.  We are excited to see him run,  he has put a lot of work into it.

These kids….I have to get Belle a new pair of glass,  like right now ! And Sidney is preparing to move out this week.  There is never a dull minute !

It’s true, I am guilty of being bored at home, and wanting to do my own thing for various reasons, but the truth is…being a mom is the most important thing to me.  Giving my kids what they need is my main priority. They are not babies,  I can’t just give them a bottle,  and put them in fresh jammies,  and call it a day.  I have to give them real food,  nourishment for their spirits, and encouragement for their souls.  They won’t always be here with me, they are going to have to navigate this world on their own.  It’s a big job preparing them for that.  Sometimes, I want a do over, a time machine that could take me back to the chaos of them being 10, 5, 2 1/2, and 6 months. My flesh wants that, because they needed me for everything.  But in my heart, I know we are in a special time right now, they don’t need me for everything, but hopefully ….they want me.  Life lessons.

updates…

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This will be short, and somewhat sweet. The last 7 weeks have flown, and dragged by at the same time. Wrap your head around that.  I had the longest cold of my life, which turned out to be 6 weeks of bronchitis.  Six weeks of trying to be well, six weeks of doing housework, traveling…doing my best to get on with it,  and then finally realizing ,  after chest x-rays that I just needed to sleep for several days if I wanted to be healthy.  So, I did.

My best friend moved to California.  That’s a biggie.  I wasn’t sad, handled the news quite well. The trouble with that…I was in shock.  I think I am coming to terms with it now. I knew that she was an adventurer when I chose to love her.  Now there are rivers, and roads between us, but that’s nothing.

Manchild started high school.  I got in the car after orientation and cried.  He thinks I am a lunatic.   I can confirm it….I am.  Sometimes, you catch a glimpse of how fast life moves, and it overwhelms you. I remember his first day of kindergarten.  Nothing has changed, he walked away from me, and waved.  He was fine.  Still is.

Isabelle is a seventh grader. I used to get so offended when my husband would say that I had used up all my words for the day. Now I understand.  Apparently, Isabelle is a mini-me. She has a lot of things to say. She brings me joy in the most frustrating , and beautiful way.  Okay, just got a phone call from a mom that I carpool with telling me how much she loves Isabelle.  Thank you Lord.  You are good.  She is a treasure.

Isaiah went back to school this year.  He is a fifth grader at a new school, and he is doing great ! It was his choice. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t afraid.  But love is stronger than fear, and I love him so much that it makes me crazy.  His strength is amazing.  He is a mystery in so many ways.

We are all growing, and stretching.

Test = Rant= WARNING !

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Really ? If I make a claim…like – I love you, I am not judging you…..the testing begins….as if it’s on some kind of autopilot. It is simple for me to love all kinds of things.  But when it comes to my kids, how do I get them to understand that I can HATE their actions, and love them all the while ?  Are we allowed to judge actions ?  To say- hey that’s wrong, you need to turn,  and walk away from that as fast as you can…or am I supposed to be love and peace, and ignorant bliss all the time ?  I feel like I am on a roller coaster, and not a fun one. My stomach just dropped, and I can’t seem to get it back.

So to all of you moms, who say how much you are annoyed by older moms saying – enjoy every minute ! Ha, what we mean is – you can’t see around corners, so enjoy the physical tiredness that comes with chasing, and diapering, playing store, and car trip chaos. Getting up with your kids in the middle of the night means knowing where your kids are at night.  So try your best to enjoy the terrible twos, and thrilling threes….It’s hard in every stage, but only an older mom has the experience to tell you that,  so don’t begrudge her advice.  And if she repeats herself chalk it up to the MENTAL exhaustion that comes from having teenagers. Thats all.

I’m handling this latest test the best way I can….love is not smooth like a river stone, it is jagged, and rough.  So, thats how I feel today. Jagged, and rough.