Tag Archives: parenting

Heightened Senses, and such.

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I could write a book about all the things that I have learned in my first two weeks as a full time working mother.  But I won’t, at least not tonight.  I have learned some very trivial things, like, the fact that I CAN get up early, And I can walk in heels. Both very important, and nothing to do with this post. I’ve learned that it feels good to have some purpose outside of my home, and it feels good to have people say that I am smart, and capable. Really good, in fact. Mostly, I’ve learned just how much I love my kids. I have missed them like crazy. When I get home, the hours that we have together are like gold to me. I want to hear their stories, EVERY detail (this wasn’t always the case before), and I want to hold them, and stare at them.  It’s as if my senses are heightened. No joke.  And that is worth the getting up early, the late night laundry…all of it. Thank you to everyone who has prayed for our transition, we are doing great.

A family that we met when we lived in Fort Mill lost one of their treasures this week.  He was 23.  He was a violinist,  he was a student, a son, and a friend.   And he is gone.  I am praying, and praying, and believing that the peace they need is coming. This too,  has made me acutely  aware of my children, my life.  It’s so good.  Even in the struggle, it’s good. So tonight will be the night of a thousand kisses, and snuggles , and sweet words.  And somehow in the hustle and bustle, I will try to hold on to these heightened senses of mine. goodnight.

And goodnight to Jonathan Dailey’s  family, may all the prayers of all the people that you know, and don’t know cover you, and keep you.

Answer on the first ring….

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I talk a lot about my kids on this blog. A whole lot of lamenting, as well as boasting.  Today, I will be boasting, but I know better than anyone pride goes before a fall,  and so I will preface this post by saying I cannot take all the credit for the decisions my kids make,  good, or bad.

This one, here to the left, is a freshman this year, he is V.P. of his class, running on the XC track team, and part of the civil air patrol.  He is a good boy.  Yesterday he asked permission to ask a girl out.  Without a doubt, there was a part of me that wanted to panic, and maybe even cry a little. But the main part of me was overjoyed that he was sharing this with me. That he is handling it on the up and up. He is listening to me as I talk about perimeters , and boundaries…it sounded like a strategic battle meeting, and still he heard me out, and agreed to my terms.

Now this one, here to the right…she is a hand full, I always say she is just like me, but she is not…she is so much more. I gave her a hug before church this morning, and stuck my hand in her pocket ( I’m just like that, I snoop, I suspect…its a problem).

I pulled out a tiny, folded piece of paper with an – AHA ! I opened it up, tears came when I realized that it said…you are beautiful, Jesus loves you, Live for him. Yeah. Her goodness surprised me. That made me feel bad, but it was a short lived emotion, because I was too busy PRAISING GOD that she KNOWS him. And so, I am praying today. If you have sons, and daughters, small, or big….join me.

Abba- There is a generation rising up to  meet you, to know you.  I know because my treasures are part of that generation. They are calling you. Answer them on the first ring, the first ring  Papa. They are calling out through the darkness of the culture that surrounds them looking for your light. I’m asking that you not let their call go to voice mail, but that you will pick up on the first ring. Love you- Angie

the written word.

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I got a job.  A full time job.  Talk about a shock to the system.  I am tired mentally, and physically.  I have been in pjs all day today ….just because I can be.   I have worried about the transition a lot.  That is putting it mildly, I have obsessed about how the kids will do, and how the house will run. So far …so good.  I had an idea to get a notebook for Belle, and one for Z.  I write in this notebook every night before bed, and then leave it out in the kitchen for them to read when they get home from school the  next afternoon. It has a list of things for them to do, get a snack, start homework, take out the trash….and then I write a paragraph or so asking about their day, telling them that I can’t wait to get home,  and see their faces, and to write me back if they want to.  So far Belle has written both days, Z none.  Shocking.  Not really. I’m not sure the notebooks mean anything to them yet, but they mean everything to me. There is power in the written word. The power to speak to their spirits even though I’m not with them. There is power in showing them that you have the time to sit down and write, even though you don’t get to come for the field trip.  That notebook goes a long way toward easing my mommy guilt. I recommend it, even if you don’t work.  Sometimes you can be far away even when you are at home.

The husband of a dear friend of mine wrote her a poem. He is not a poet, or a writer, but his spirit is connected to the LOVER above all other lovers, and he listened to his heart, and wrote the most beautiful love letter. There is power in the written word. Power, and healing, and…hope.

Seasons.

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Yesterday I sent out ten resumes.   I was pretty proud of myself, and thinking it was the right time.  Literally,ten minutes after said resumes had been sent, and a post on face book had been made…the school nurse called.  Isaiah had a stomach ache,   and had been in twice, could I pick him up ? Was that a sign ? Coincidence ? It makes me a little wary to get a job right now.  I might be rushing it.  Whether his stomach ache was a virus, or brought on by stress…it was there.  He is doing a great job with school, and I am very proud of him. But my job here, at home, is not done yet.  I will trust my gut on this one.

Adam won the election for ninth grade vice president ! His first cross country meet is today.  We are excited to see him run,  he has put a lot of work into it.

These kids….I have to get Belle a new pair of glass,  like right now ! And Sidney is preparing to move out this week.  There is never a dull minute !

It’s true, I am guilty of being bored at home, and wanting to do my own thing for various reasons, but the truth is…being a mom is the most important thing to me.  Giving my kids what they need is my main priority. They are not babies,  I can’t just give them a bottle,  and put them in fresh jammies,  and call it a day.  I have to give them real food,  nourishment for their spirits, and encouragement for their souls.  They won’t always be here with me, they are going to have to navigate this world on their own.  It’s a big job preparing them for that.  Sometimes, I want a do over, a time machine that could take me back to the chaos of them being 10, 5, 2 1/2, and 6 months. My flesh wants that, because they needed me for everything.  But in my heart, I know we are in a special time right now, they don’t need me for everything, but hopefully ….they want me.  Life lessons.

random, runaway thoughts… on the loose.

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I am not dressed.  That makes me lazy, right ?  It’s 10:55, and I’m in my robe.

Why is it so hard to dress, and look cute on the days that you don’t need to go anywhere ?  Why is the perfect Stay At Home outfit so damned elusive ?

Isaiah has a stomach ache.  Or does he ? I don’t know.  Does it matter ? I don’t know.

I let him stay home.  I use the term let, loosely.  What choice did I have ?  Risk a melt down, or him running away from school.  Failure, failure.  No chanting.   I’m trying not to panic.  The what ifs  …grip me.

Why did I neglect to buy emergency ice cream for a day like this ?

What if the fleas never leave ?  I’ve spent so much money getting rid of the fleas.    If the fleas don’t die , the dogs may have to move out.

What kind of person would say that ?

Is Adam going to win the election for vice president of his class ? And if he does, will he be able to keep up ?  I mean what will come of his X-Box addiction ? Not to mention, academics, and athletics ?

Should I be telling him to slow down ?

He is going to get married one day.

Wonder how Thomas’ meeting is going?  Wonder what he put in the goody bags for his employees ?

California ? Really ?

Are these thoughts dangerous ?  Should  I be taking them captive ?

I’m hungry. Calories in.  I hate to work out.  It’s likely that I won’t do it.  Maybe the hunger will go away.  It’s like my own little version of the hunger games.

We are being tested.  God is good.  We are being tested, but…God is good.  Remind me God, rescue me, restore me, refill me, re-invent me, re-boot me, re-start Isaiah’s courage. Do all of those R things that only you can do.

Chocolate.  And salt.

Okay, that’s it.  I’m wrangling these thoughts in.  They have had free reign long enough.

 

Test = Rant= WARNING !

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Really ? If I make a claim…like – I love you, I am not judging you…..the testing begins….as if it’s on some kind of autopilot. It is simple for me to love all kinds of things.  But when it comes to my kids, how do I get them to understand that I can HATE their actions, and love them all the while ?  Are we allowed to judge actions ?  To say- hey that’s wrong, you need to turn,  and walk away from that as fast as you can…or am I supposed to be love and peace, and ignorant bliss all the time ?  I feel like I am on a roller coaster, and not a fun one. My stomach just dropped, and I can’t seem to get it back.

So to all of you moms, who say how much you are annoyed by older moms saying – enjoy every minute ! Ha, what we mean is – you can’t see around corners, so enjoy the physical tiredness that comes with chasing, and diapering, playing store, and car trip chaos. Getting up with your kids in the middle of the night means knowing where your kids are at night.  So try your best to enjoy the terrible twos, and thrilling threes….It’s hard in every stage, but only an older mom has the experience to tell you that,  so don’t begrudge her advice.  And if she repeats herself chalk it up to the MENTAL exhaustion that comes from having teenagers. Thats all.

I’m handling this latest test the best way I can….love is not smooth like a river stone, it is jagged, and rough.  So, thats how I feel today. Jagged, and rough.

child of my heart, (and whom it may concern)

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dear whomever (i don’t know if that’s a word),

I owe you, and you, and you…and most likely you, an apology.  I am so sorry for my judgement.  Who do I think I am…right ? No, it’s not like that at all.  My judgement comes from a giant, humongous place of fear.  Fear that you will know the kind of shame, and hurt, and heartbreak that I have known. Through the years, this fear has overpowered everything. Even my trust that God has all of us in his hand.  Fear overpowered my love. How is that possible if perfect love casts out fear ? Because of the power I gave to the fear.  I called it’s name…love.  I am shattered about this, but overjoyed at the realization that every day is new.   I am new.  It was my own shame that I wore like a garment that weighed me down, and in my desire for you to NEVER wear it… I covered you in it.  Again, and again…I’m sorry.  I’ve spent the morning in negotiations with my papa about how to handle this.  He agreed to this post, but only if it included some specific things.  Here they are…..  First, you are beautiful, and funny, you are a princess, and I’m sorry I never told you that.  Second, you are smart, and you are strong. I am hoping that you are strong enough to forgive. And last, and most importantly….I love you, and nothing could make me stop. There is no thing, or feeling that you have, or have had that is foreign to me.  I have spent years walking down dark corridors, but I was always looking for light.  I know that you are too.  I am here. I am not going anywhere. Even in my moments of anger, I have prayed for you. Open up your heart, let that shield that you wear to protect yourself fall away, that is what I am doing even now. It is a new day. The gift of daylight comes without fail, like a symbol of the mercy that starts over, and over, and over.  I was never disgusted by you, it was me, and my fear. I hope you understand. God is love, and he has forgiven me so much. Say you will too ?

can’t wait.

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My sister is at the beach with her kids, first time they have ever been.  Magic.  I remember the first time each of mine saw the majesty of the ocean,  my favorite memories of all times . We will be going in a couple of days,  and I am no less excited now that they are 14,  12 , and 10.  I love the idea of wrapping myself in them like a blanket,  letting their banter cover me, and their laughter feed me.  At least for a little while, and then someone will hit someone,  someone will scream….and I will be ready for time apart from them.  The ebb and flow of life as a parent.

   Last day of school for Z today.  Relieved.  Ready to rest my brain.

Man child got his passport in the mail. What ? two weeks in Germany with his grandparents. Oh my.

That is all, an update about what goes on.

start with me.

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Practicing what I preach is a concept that has never come easy to me. I can clearly see what my kids need to do , and I am quick to tell them. (ask them, they will not deny it).  Adam is feeling like the Lord doesn’t speak to him, well, that’s easy son….go to HIM, draw close, and he will answer.  Isaiah feels like he is not enough, not worthy…ok then, let’s bless your spirit with the truth, the only truth…what Father says about you. Simple.  Belle is having girl problems, feeling less than, and in general friendship tribulations. What do I say ? You have to be a friend to have a friend. Be kind, don’t take their words, or lack of words personal. They don’t mean to hurt you. This advice… I don’t take, listen to, or accept.  At the ripe old age of 38,  I still am a work in process when it comes to friends.  I over analyze, I feel left out…and I withdraw. So today, I am asking. Lord- START WITH ME. Keep on giving me the wisdom to teach my kids, but start with me. Repair my heart where it is wounded, so that my words would be truth to them.  Bring change, bring understanding, and belief, start with me.

On my own almost grown girl is having nightmares.  She is haunted by the very things that she has allowed into her mind.  My advice, turn from those things, repent, start over…again, and again, you can do it every day.  She is doubtful, unbelief is all over her face.  She is no different than me when I doubt, I just happen to be more seasoned at coming back to you Lord. And so, I pray that as you start this work with me, that it would overflow into her. That faith would begin to trump doubt, that peace would reign over chaos, and most of all…that love would slap the face of fear. Start with me,  start here.

The writing was on the wall….

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            It is so true that God’s mercies are new every day ! I was so done yesterday, and after resting in the afternoon , and a few wonderful words that the Lord sent me through some beautiful friends…I am ready to finish our school year strong. I am listening to the one who created Isaiah…who better to tell me how to raise this little man ?

Natalie, when you typed the word gentle giant….you were so right on. Isaiah can spew hateful words at me at times, but the fact is, he is gentle in spirit, and things wound him easily. It is my job to see past the anger, and speak to his spirit man.Never doubt your influence, yesterday you were a shiny spot on a dark horizon. (just like HE said you were).

And as for you Mrs. Pat. your prayers are a treasure to me. I often hear people say- when I was growing up, I had someone praying for me, all the time….I am always envious when I hear that. Now I don’t have to be, I LOVE that I have you praying for me. Thank you, it means so much.

And so, with that being said…we are working. Once we are through the math, which is tedious for Isaiah, we will build a model of a pioneer log cabin. (The Lord gave me that idea). Isaiah can’t wait. Sometimes, you just have to rewrite your plan.