It’s all about the condition of the heart.  We can make choices , we can drink , smoke…read books that disguise themselves as fantasy, when in actuality, they are erotica. We can be hurtful, and call it honest.  We can sit home from church every Sunday, and call it freedom.  Is it ? Or is it falling ?  I don’t want to be bound, and I don’t want my children to feel bound, but if your heart isn’t right with Jesus ….you are already in chains. I do a lot of silly things, some in the name of love, and some in selfishness, but I am trying to keep my heart healthy. Confession is like exercise for a heart that’s a little out of shape. Kind words to myself, and to others, are like vitamins for my heart. My eyes are open. The lines between freedom, and falling can become blurry . Sometimes the only way to bring the picture into focus is to look at… the condition of the heart.

P.S. it should be soft, and tender to the touch. FYI

I really want to live to be the grandmother to teenage children. That way I can look my, then middle aged children in the eyes, and share the Aha/ dammit…I told you so, moment.  I want to know that they GET how much I love, and worry about them.  I want them to understand how in our youth, we rush, we hide, we fall…we need someone with some experience in those areas (the rushing, the hiding, and most certainly, the falling) to guide us. That’s what parents do. We guide.  Sometimes, to no avail. Some snares have to be fallen into,  in order to learn.  I am learning that. Here is the update on what goes on….

Adam is in Germany. I miss him. Wait…it’s only been 2 days. And yet, I miss him.

Isaiah got his first NORMAL hearing test in 4 years ! We celebrated that with cookies.

Belle wants to learn to cook, and oh yeah, also …when can she wear make up ? Well, I’ve come up with a system that works for me. (Let me know what YOU think). It’s called  the three c’s .  First, there is cleaning…your room, as well as your body,  and then of course ,  anywhere else that ladies need to know how to clean,  next comes cooking, since it requires more responsibility than cleaning, you need to master  the fist c before you move on to dealing with raw food, and fire.  Then,  when those two have been mastered…the most dangerous of all ….cosmetics.  Personally, I like my system.  This weekend, she will help me wash all the bed sheets !

Sidney has a new job. She is working in an assisted living facility. It’s hard work, physically, and mentally.  It is an exercise in humility, and patience. We are proud of her, and praying for her.

Thomas and I are keeping on. We are fighting for community. We are parenting our kids, we are laughing at ourselves, and our crazy life.

I read these words recently. I added them to my heart.  It feels like a theme, with every arrow pointing me to a question…why do I feel so all alone ?  My husband is my best friend,  without a doubt.  My children are my treasures,  and sometimes, I am too intensely consumed by them.  Jesus is a companion…every day.  And still….an emptiness that is caused by the lack of women friends.  I see women who have it, that thing… that elusive thing, the comfort of a friend dropping by, girls night out, and laughter that turns to tears.  I am happy for them because, I have known that. I have felt that, and it is good. I am envious, too…because, I don’t have it now.  And I miss it.  I am praying for it.  I am praying the same for my daughters, not just for friends, but for a sisterhood.

My spirit, who I really am…is like a muscle. I work her out, she is torn , she is sore, she takes a break, and then…she comes back stronger, and we do it all over again.  Thankful this morning for faith.