Oddly, last night I went to bed burdened with the thought”am I known by Jesus?” Well…am I ? I spent quite some time praying and crying out, I wanted some kind of encounter, a sign, if you will. Nothing.

           Met a friend for lunch, and almost the first thing she said was ” I had an amazing encounter with the HOLY SPIRIT last night !”  Really ? At the exact time that I was laying in my bed praying(around 12:30) she was doing the same thing ! She felt and audibly heard the flapping of wings as the Holy Spirit washed over her !! I am ok with this, I am happy for her. But I still want MY encounter, too. The more I seek him, the more I will find him. Going back to the drawing board tonight.

I am in the long and drawn out process of getting all of my poems and songs together and into some kind of format. This is a little overwhelming, seeing as I have things that have been written on napkins and scraps of paper all over my house. Although, hard it is good to remind me of what the Lord has done in me. A new work, a new song.

         This is one of the first songs that I wrote, this one actually has a melody and chords(thanks to erin littleson and adam keyes) I havent thought about it in a long time, but wanted to share it today.

                                   Let us hear, let us pray

                                    let us dance, let us sing

                      the song of the broken, the song of the redeemed

                       the song of the Son, the song of the King

                          Jesus, Lord of Lords

                          Jesus, King of Kings

                        Jesus, Almighty God

                     Lord over everything

After I wrote this song the Lord gave someone a word for me, he called me his songbird. I have kept that hidden in my heart like a seed, I’ve watered it and cherished it and now I am watching it grow.

Yesterday at THE HINGE was amazing. I have a sunburned nose and blisters on my feet and it was so worth it. Though exhausting, the hours of prayer shook things loose on a big level, but also on a more personal level. I spent a lot of the family hour praying for mine. I think thats ok…I prayed for other families in Greenville, too, but felt clearly that I should start with mine. Big steps for Isaiah !! He went into his church class today and participated !!He actually asked if he could blow the rams horn to get rid of his fear this morning ! Thank you LORD !! YOU are all I want , all I need. Isaiah is breaking through !!

                 ISAIAH and Isabelle are getting baptized tonight. I am humbled and blessed and filled with hope. It feels good.

I have been walking around in a frenzy for a week now. School is about to start, new book study, sidney’s summer school exam….the hinge. Just a ball of nerves, worrying and stressing out. I am smart enough to know that this is not only a sin, but its not good for me, I’ve had a constant stomach ache. So, I repent. And, I ask for help. And so simply and calmly the Lord says this to me ” In all of this, I will go before you”

                          Whew ! Thank goodness ! Now, I can relax.

Its sunday night, end of the weekend, and I have a headache. Came home from church, went to bed, thats not like me at all. I’m pretty sure it started when the security guy at church(brad) came and told us that Isaiah (6) had left the church biulding and was sitting in the car. All of the memories, bad memories of last years school crisis came rushing back to me. Time is running out, school is getting closer and closer. I am praying for Isaiah all the time, but I need someone to pray for me. Pray for wisdom and discernment in this situation, pray for HIS perfect love to cast out ALL of my fear. Thanks…I know you will.

Ephesians something says that HIS LOVE SURPASSES MY KNOWLEDGE. I like that. However much I think GOD loves me, Its more ! So much more that I cannot even wrap my mind around it. It simply surpasses my knowledge.

              Sometimes, however, I am deceived. And the enemy tells me that I DONT have, what I already DO have and I get sidetracked. I get distracted from my true purpose….worship. Not music, worship of the soul….colorful, sweet, warm, and life changing worship.

              So…this deception happened to me recently and the Lord gave me a mantra to think on and to speak out. I love it when he does this, its like a cheat sheet, or a get out of jail free card. Anyway onto the mantra….He told me to say and to believe….I was made for more than this. I was made for more than this.

I guess I was doing things that would classify me as charismatic long before I really knew that it was a “type” of christian. Does that seem weird, or maybe blissfully ignorant? If their was a timeline for my testimony it would look like this

• asked jesus into my heart(so I would not go to hell)9 years old
• left the baptist church(parents got divorced, evidently churches did not like that) 12 years old
• came to crossroads (looking for the Lord ) 24 years old
• coasted and grew in knowledge
• got into a small group that changed my life forever. God was there, along with some others…the frickes, the butlers, the littlesons, the sears, and aaron keyes was the leader. I was 29 years old.

Its been a roller coaster ride from there. I started hearing the Lord’s voice, I read everything I could get my hands on. Threw myself into prayer for my kids. We moved several times. And God has always been with me. Always. So, if trusting him and listening to his voice, and believing that he heals and still does miracles is being charismatic…then I guess I am one! Who knew ?? Oh yeah, theres my crazy dancing, can’t forget that. Sometime around age 30, maybe 31…I started getting the urge to worship fully with my body, to dance and jump and shout and sway.So, I did it.

           When I think about how far down he had to come, to reach me, I am so grateful. I have been forgiven much, and because of that…I forgive. I have been loved well and deeply by my papa, and because of that….I dance. goodnight.

Today someone close to me admitted that during corporate worship at our church, she does not feel anything. She wanted to know how to fix it….I believe God gave me the answer to give to her, and so, I will share it with all of you now.

                 WORSHIP IS A VERB !! If we are standing there waiting for some feeling to wash over us, and sweep us off our feet….wouldn’t that be God worshipping us ? WORSHIP IS A VERB. We have to move into it, regardless of the song, regardless of who is standing next to us, regardless of the hugeness of self that would try to creep into and take over your whole mindset.

                           worship as a wife, worship as a way of life….He is worthy and when we worship, He will come.

I know how you feel. I write about God on this blog all the time, I am basically preaching to myself. I am going to say that I love him and that I trust him. I am going to say it until I believe it. You do the same.

             So many women that I know struggle with feelings of being overwhelmed, or underappreciated, or just plain lonely. I am one of them. THIS IS AN ATTACK ! The enemy despises women. We bring forth life. He can never do that. That is not something that he can counterfeit. Are you hearing me ? There is a target on our back. We represent beauty, and love and the feminine side of Papa’s personality. God even refers to the body of christ as THE BRIDE !! I am not a feminist, but I am a realist. I have recognized that I am in the battle of my life, and I can choose to engage and fight, or I can run and pretend that everything is fine.

                           I encourage you to stop letting the enemy tell you lies about yourself. I, for one am tired of listening.

                          Your heart is a garden for you and the holy spirit, spend some time pruning and planting. Write a story….your grace story, a love story, or a love song…to the bridegroom. He really is coming.

 ps. nikki- I think you are one of the strongest women I know. Everyone needs a day to themselves here and there. Quiet time is good. I envy the way you mother your girls and I am so happy to know you.love