of my house cleaning obsession. I think. When I first started working, I nearly drove myself crazy trying to keep everyhing together. But, as each day goes by, I am relaxing bit by bit. Its not easy, but I am realizing that I have to have priorities. It feels pretty good.

                   Its just like with Jesus, we spend so much time getting dressed for the party, and worrying about looking and sounding just right, that by the time we get there, he is already gone. HE just wants us….its more like a pizza party, come as you are, than a formal dinner. Is anyone following me here ?Jesus is into comfort, thus the name….the comforter.

 I know , my mind goes in a million different directions, but at least my house is dirty !Thats a start.

Its the power of life, the power of love.

both spoken, and unspoken words that pierce my heart

you were there, here, in the abyss before all of this

you saved me from your tomb, knew me in my mother’s womb

its the power of life, the power of love

you were there, here, from the start

you see ….I was formed in your heart

I don’t know why I put on makeup to go to church. Because, most sundays,I end up crying. I don’t know why. It’s sort of a litmus test. When I hear the word of GOD and it strikes a chord, the waterworks start. I have heard lots of encouraging words, but when someone gives me a prophetic word from the heart of GOD…the ugly cry starts. Oh well.

                This past sunday, Rich was giving me a prohetic word of knowledge without even knowing it. In our household, we have labeled each other without really being aware of the weight it carried. I took each child and asked their forgiveness for believing that they were a certain way and that was that. Stubborn, annoying, lazy, dishonest , mean…..these are not labels that the enemy put on them, there the labels I put on them. Sad. Thats how it made me feel, sad and hopeful. Hopeful, that I will label them the way the Lord sees them :strong, powerful, lovely, creative….perfect.  I will handle them with care, because thats how my daddy handles me.

In all the years that I’ve had children and been taking them to birthday parties, THIS has never happened before…..5 parties on the same saturday ! They are blissfully ignorant to the fact that I have to say no to some of these. I relinquished the control, and let them choose which parties they wanted to go to. And choose, they did. Now, I am left with the task of buying gifts and still having grocery money !!

           I recently heard someone say about the economic crisis, ” all the money is still around, it has just changed hands” So true, and God knows where it is and where it needs to be. So, I am going on with my life, trusting him and buying birthday gifts, like there is no tomorrow ! peace.

Let’s see….how do I explain this ? I’ve had a weird issue for years and just last week I shared it with my husband for the first time. Here is the issue: I get up, get dressed, put my makeup on and then within just a few minutes, I have FORGOTTEN WHAT I LOOK LIKE. Whether I’m at work ,or out shopping, or at the kids school…I not only forget what I look like, but I start to believe that I look different (old, uglier, haggard, plain)than what I really do. I thought,up until yesterday, that this was a mental issue(hahaah). It’s not !!

       James1:23 says (and here is where the supernatural comes in ) anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who who looks at his face in the mirror and after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like.

 THE HOLY SPIRIT has knocked me out. People on this earth have given me words of encouragement, words of hope, and words of correction, but this is the first time the SPIRIT OF GOD has so clearly given me a word of correction ! Am I offended….NO. I am loved, and loved, and loved. Beyond my disbelief, and beyond my disobedience, and beyond my wandering. I AM LOVED.

I don’t know why or how, but in an instant tonight, I came to that realization. Without a doubt. And its made me crazy !! I want to SHOUT ! I want to tell the world how this knowledge of the LOVE of God has messed me up. I want to praise him from the inside out…..how does that look ? How can I make it happen ? He breaks me down until I am shattered pieces of sound making my way through the atmosphere.And he breaks me open, that he can fill me up.  I’ve spent my whole life trying to fill the space inside, because I could FEEL , the space inside. Lovers and liars, vanity and pride…nothing satisfies….until him. HIS love is saving me now, His love is saving me now, his love is saving me now.

                     I will stand beneath your wings(they are BIG enough)

                      I will look to you for my everything(you ARE enough)

                      I will abide in your love…because you have set it upon me.

We found out right before Christmas that Isaiah had a hearing screen at school and failed. The nurse notified us that Isaiah had to see an audiologist for further testing. Of course, I have been backtracking over all the odd emotional things that have gone on with Isaiah over the last couple of years. Basically torturing myself with “what if he couldn’t hear ?” So, we had the test yesterday…the doctor came out and said “your son has a significant hearing loss”. My heart sank. The good news is, the problem is in his middle ear, there is a medical explanation behind it. His eardrums have fluid built up behind them and therfore, are not moving and vibrating like they should. Tomorrow we see the doctor who will start the healing process by cleaning out his ears and removing the tubes that have been in there since he was one (we thought they had come out years ago, but they are stuck).It won’t be pleasant, but we have to do that in order to see the eardrum and go from there.

                                         At the beginning of this year, we found out that Isaiah was not participating in gym, I am positive that this hearing thing has played a huge part of this. He COULDN’T HEAR THE INSTRUCTIONS! He has been hearing things as if under water, thats why he talks so loud. Aha ! I am just so relieved to figure out a small piece of the puzzle that is Isaiah.

When I look around at my circumstances, I admit I am sometimes guilty of seeing dry bones. Today, I was reminded of what ezekiel saw in his vision. The Lord told him to prophesy and speak life into the bones. Maybe ezekiel was like me, maybe he thought those bones were dead and gone…hopeless. But he did it ANYWAY! And AS he was speaking, the bones began to shake. I want to see that in my life, in these dry areas that I think are dead. The bones began to come together, sinews and flesh….are you following me?

                     I am NOT going to look at my circumstance today, but at the KING OF THE UNIVERSE, who holds all things in his hands. All things.

              I will prophesy over my children today, my husband, my bank account, my calling…and AS I speak THERE WILL BE SHAKING!!

There is a little girl that I know, who has been fighting cancer for 2 years…she is only 6. I don’t understand it, and I am not going to pretend that it doesn’t make me angry.

            On Monday, Isaiah refused to go to school(after months of doing it succesfully), Adam was sick in the bed with stomach issues, and I was on my couch asking the Lord to sort it out. Just then I hear rushing water upstairs, the toilet is overflowing, water 2 inches deep in the bathroom(i hate wet socks). I am getting towels, rushing around, sort of yelling in panic, when I hear something that sounds like the water is turned on at my kitchen sink…..its water coming out of my ceiling onto my couch, my blanket, my floor and my dog. At this point, it seems almost humorous. Almost. I finished that day with a trip to the dentist, just to find out that I have six, thats right, six, cavities. Top it all off with a huge fight with my husband the next day…AWESOME.

           None of that was really serious, but it felt like the world was caving in around me. The whole time, my best friend was having the most glorious spiritual time, she even had a word for me,The Lord said for me to come up higher. All I could think was ” how do I do that, when i’m falling into a pit ?”

                            Today as I lay on the couch with all the light off, shutting out all of the things that I did not want to face, my best friend texted me. Here is what she said “please pray that I won’t fall into the pit that is being prepared for me”. And so, the Lord spoke to me as I prayed for her, almost involuntarily, I prayed for me,too. That we would allow ourselves to be broken open, and filled with HIM. If you are reading this, know that even in despair the Lord uses you. All my love.

Its nice to know that we can be remade in the Lord. He can change our minds, our hearts, our fashion, our lovelives, our voices, even our hair !!

                I want to be remade, I want to believe that I AM BEING remade, even as I type this. There is no physical evidence that I am being remade right now, but I think I am.

AHA!….Shame was never my portion? Are you sure God, I could have sworn that it was, for as long as I can remember. You keep finding new ways to tell me that it was not, that it IS NOT. that I am new, that I look like you.

             Bewildered and baffled by you, tied down to my own view

           open me up and let your love flow through

                 stop my heart until it beats just for you

you’re calling my name, singing my song

         bringing me back to the place I belong