Its been a good day ! We invited friends over for all of the kids, and even though it was freezing, they played outside! They came in, and had hot cocoa, and I felt like, all was right with the world.  I actually have some of the Christmas shopping done and now, I am ready for wrapping. Well, the truth would be, I am ready for the Butcher to do some wrapping !

                                                           I have gotten so many comments on this blog, mostly from people that I don’t know, thanking me for writing in such a raw, and honest way. Well, you are welcome. I can assure you, that I do it for my own mental health. HOWEVER, if the Lord sees fit to speak to any of you through me, then I am blessed. Its been a little hard to feel blessed lately, but I am. My eyes are open….I am loved, I am blessed and highly favoured.

                                                                           I am dancing at CrossRoads the sunday before Christmas and I just can’t wait ! I am usually a nervous wreck when I dance, but this time, the Lord said something to me that really made me anticipate the dance itself. I was doing my normal thing, telling the Lord that I shouldn’t dance , lamenting about the things in life that are not perfect, things he already knows..and basically thinking of excuses to say no to the dance, when I heard him say, ” Just let me love you “.  My heart opened and I began to look forward to the dance, the love that HE had in store for me. It started at the first rehearsal, when my friend Kat walked in ! HOLY MOLY ! She hasn’t danced in years, she has been sick. I have clearly heard the Lord say that there would be a breakthrough in worship at CrossRoads, when Kat began to dance again ! Its coming people…..Let the love of the Lord fall down, let it come down, let the joy of the Lord come down and let it be our strength.  Happy Day.

                 Went to church last night. We were hosting his presence. Yeah…he was there. It was good to see him, good to praise, good to cry, good to intercede for those who were not there….it was just good. It’s good to know that His love covers all I’ve done. What a relief. I promised him that I would crown him, and stand him up in my home. Its easy to question every parenting decision that you have ever made when one of your children moves out, before the time is right. It would also be easy to have a knee-jerk reaction, and parent the others in the opposite way. But, I know what I have heard from the Lord….I know, he wants us to be set apart. That includes our children. Its hard to hear that some other kid has made fun of them because they don’t have a phone, or they don’t watch hannah montanna….I am so sick of that. Its the spirit of this age, and I don’t want to give in. My nine year old does not need a facebook page, my twelve year old does not need a phone. period.  I am so sad that parents cave in , rather than interact with their kids on these subjects. I don’t know, maybe you have never asked the Lord for prophetic words for your kids, but I have, and I took them seriously. HE said they were set apart. set apart. set apart. I know we live in this world, so don’t come preaching that, but we have to view this world as temporary. I am praying for their future spouses…praying that their parents are setting them apart, too.

                                                                          I know that my kids will make their own choices eventually,and I am painfully aware that they are not perfect, but for now, I am going to do my part in protecting their hearts. Isn’t that my job ?

Enough talk about everyone else…lets talk about me. I am tired. Tired of my anger, but also tired “christians”, doing whatever they want because they are FORGIVEN. Enough. I want to forgive. More than that, I want to forget. I am just not there…yet. And thats ok.

                   Parenting a child that has moved out has proven to be quite a challenge. I wish that what she told us had been true. I wish that she had gotten a job, turned in her homework assignments, called us every other night to update us, and in general, proved to us that she was old enough or mature enough to be on her own. Thats what I wish. That is not what is happening.  I wish that business had been a success, but we will get to that another day.

                          I am angry and tired. Do people who love Jesus get this angry ? Am I going to hell ? When will I forgive ?  If, in fact, I was knit together in my mother’s womb by the creator of life….why did I get this memory recorder that won’t let me forget when someone hurts me ? Why does it feel like people are chipping away at my soul ? Doesn’t that belong to Jesus, if so…why is it so easy for them to get to ? Is it some kind of weakness in me…weakness in spirit ? You are right Sally, I am selfish, we all are….my hurt feels really big right now.

                                Through all of this bullshit, thats right Erin, I agree swearing is a good way to lose a little religious weight, Jesus is with me, I have felt him, He is looking at me and I know that he grieves when I do…he knows me, he always has. 

                                         though I walk through a valley so deep and so wide that I can’t see out of it, YOU are with me.

                                             my light and my hope, though dim through the flesh on my eyes…YOU are there , twinkling and promising a hope and a future.

                                                Hide my heart from those who wish to break it, reveal it to those whom I love.

                                              Help me love those who wreck me, and walk away from those with evil plans. Guide me through this valley….you are my only hope.

                                              Thats it, thats all for today. A real flesh and blood woman willing  to say, ” HEY, I DON”T HAVE IT TOGETHER, I NEVER WILL “, a woman who wants to love and be loved, a mother who wants to keep her children from pain, a person who is willing to swear during the holiday season, if thats what it takes to get free from the crap that tangles me.

                        I speak freely on this blog, and am happy to do so, therefore…..a shout out, to those who are willing, and able to apologize when they find out that their words ,or actions, have wounded you. Its not an easy thing to do, believe me, I know(just ask the Butcher). So, to you…I say, thanks. My heart feels better. Amazing ….woke up with more freedom, than I had when I went to bed. Its hard to surprise me, but you did.

                                 To others of you, who stand by your hurtfulness, and self-deception…..I will quote my uncle Danny, “BEARS ASS….PAY ATTENTION “. You are missing out, I am a good friend and loyal to a fault. Hope you find some peace. I have.

                   Our Christmas tree is up. Our family ornaments have been carefully unwrapped, and looked at, and talked about, the stockings are hung….hmmmm. The Butcher and I are doing the best that we can to make things holly, and jolly, and fun.  What it comes right down to, is the fact that this year….things are screwed up. Our jobs, our family….Ho Ho HO feels like No NO No.

                                   I am thinking that when you have nothing else, you cling to the manger. The hay, the bloody birthplace of  the one who is LOVE.  Yes ! That is what I am going to do. Oh Mary….the suffering that you were in for.  I am sure that bittersweet tears slipped down her face as she looked at him….the light of the world. And even then , he was her SAVIOUR, as he is mine today.

                                        I trust the LORD, he is all I have. I have no material posessions to speak of, and no control over what anyone else does, what I thought was GAIN, has been counted lost. So here we are…..hearts wide  open to HIS leading.  Take over this Christmas Lord ! Take it over. Make it over. 

         One holiday down, one more to go. It was a beautiful day for Thanksgiving…perfect weather to be outside around a fire, which we were ! I was hesitant to go this year, without Sidney. But, in an effort to keep things normal for the other kids…we went. We went to the Butcher’s sister’s house, a lovely log cabin, that makes you feel at home right away. It was fun and festive, the kids played outside and roasted marshmallows, there was a fried turkey and desserts a plenty !

                                         Everyone was kind and supportive, I watched a mom and daughter cry with relief ,that they were past some hard times, and laugh with the spirit of true thankfullness. It touched my heart and made me happy and hopeful. And then there was one….isnt there always one ? The person who LOVES to give their opinion, especially , when its controversial. Funny, I have never given my opinion about her parenting…not in 14 years. I guess its in the genes. That sort of self-righteousness that says, “i know best”. It was toxic, and judgemental. I was sorry that my great day ended that way.  I will be better prepared for Christmas.

ps. Being mad and hurt does not mean that I am not going to forgive, it means, I am mad and hurt. fresh and new, and figuring things out. period.

                Thankful for….

• the Butcher’s furry legs, to keep me warm at night
• Z’s crooked big boy teeth
• the far off sound of Belle singing her heart out in her room
• Adam’s cut off pj pants, the ones he has been wearing for 4 years(they make him look like a pirate)
• that sidney has somewhere to be, on this Thanksgiving Day.
• little boy hands rubbing my head, when it hurts
• code words that mean….I love you.
• pumpkin pie for breakfast
• nonsensical songs coming from my husband….until I tell him to STOP IT !
• Annalee and Jude, never knew how much I would LOVE being an aunt….until you.
• my mama….she loves me.
• Andie….the last chapter hasnt been written, make it good.
• Amy and Jay- thankful for the both of you and the soapapillas. hahahaha !
• obviously…YESHUA, and the love he let pour out of his body for my sinfullness. I will spend the rest of my life saying ….THANK YOU.

                fire is roaring, moses is snoring. baked two pies, so far, I haven’t cried. Its been a good day, I have to say. speaking in rhymes, reading between the lines. baby steps toward the light, funny, its never black and white. we are gonna be fine…taking care of me and mine. Jesus loves me this I know, i love my kids and the butcher..yo !

                               have a good day, think about what is right in your world instead of whats wrong. (I will save that rhyme for another day).

        If this life is a poker game, then I just have to say, “I have been given a good hand.”  Problem is…I am not a bluffer. Thank GOD that true feelings and good people with flaws, trump vague politeness every time. At least at my table.

                                   Thank you Lord for putting people in my life that see my heart, people that know that my love is bigger than one incident, in an emotional time. People who appreciate vigor and a belly full of fire. People who have flaws and have been hurt. People who love you and trust you. It is shaping up to be one great Thanksgiving week.

                                                      Take that lord of the flies ! Another evil plan thwarted ! Yes…I said thwarted. I know LOVE and I know TRUTH, everything else looks small. Oh yeah…cut the deck, deal the cards, cause I am ALL IN.

 This is a great week. Thanksgiving…aahhh. Those of you who know me, know how much I love turkey and pumpkin pie. This year my thankfulness is bigger than it was last year, and it is stretching me. I am a great complainer, I can make lists about the struggles we are going through on a daily basis. But, the truth is, all that just dissappears in the the Lord’s shadow. He stands over me, covering me, and I know….I have more to be thankful for, than I do to complain about.

                                                         I am offering up a grateful heart today Lord, have it your way.

                           thanks be to GOD

                           the one who lives and gives…life and love

                           thanks be to GOD

                            the one who knows and shows…life and love

                            thanks be to GOD….the one.