Enough talk about everyone else…lets talk about me. I am tired. Tired of my anger, but also tired “christians”, doing whatever they want because they are FORGIVEN. Enough. I want to forgive. More than that, I want to forget. I am just not there…yet. And thats ok.
Parenting a child that has moved out has proven to be quite a challenge. I wish that what she told us had been true. I wish that she had gotten a job, turned in her homework assignments, called us every other night to update us, and in general, proved to us that she was old enough or mature enough to be on her own. Thats what I wish. That is not what is happening. I wish that business had been a success, but we will get to that another day.
I am angry and tired. Do people who love Jesus get this angry ? Am I going to hell ? When will I forgive ? If, in fact, I was knit together in my mother’s womb by the creator of life….why did I get this memory recorder that won’t let me forget when someone hurts me ? Why does it feel like people are chipping away at my soul ? Doesn’t that belong to Jesus, if so…why is it so easy for them to get to ? Is it some kind of weakness in me…weakness in spirit ? You are right Sally, I am selfish, we all are….my hurt feels really big right now.
Through all of this bullshit, thats right Erin, I agree swearing is a good way to lose a little religious weight, Jesus is with me, I have felt him, He is looking at me and I know that he grieves when I do…he knows me, he always has.
though I walk through a valley so deep and so wide that I can’t see out of it, YOU are with me.
my light and my hope, though dim through the flesh on my eyes…YOU are there , twinkling and promising a hope and a future.
Hide my heart from those who wish to break it, reveal it to those whom I love.
Help me love those who wreck me, and walk away from those with evil plans. Guide me through this valley….you are my only hope.
Thats it, thats all for today. A real flesh and blood woman willing to say, ” HEY, I DON”T HAVE IT TOGETHER, I NEVER WILL “, a woman who wants to love and be loved, a mother who wants to keep her children from pain, a person who is willing to swear during the holiday season, if thats what it takes to get free from the crap that tangles me.