Moving forward, night becomes morning, and with it comes another new start. Another chance to lay down my life. It’s not as if I am doing that great of a job with it anyway. And so, here it is again. And again. Nothing is mine, except what you give…which is enough. On a practical level, there is no way for us to make it through the next month financially, and when I say make it, I mean with lights and power. That is the truth. …on this earth. But I am really believing for things unseen. My help will not come from anywhere else.  It is well. If the lights go out, we will turn it into a pioneer experiment, and become educated by that. If the heat is turned off, we will get out the sleeping bags, and call it a camping trip. I will not give up or in. I am not weak, I was ….but that was before Jesus became a squatter in my heart, and now he owns the right to it. Ha ! possession is nine tenths of the law right???He has possession of me. I don’t really know anything other than that right now. But today… that is enough.

         Thats what I mean….and I’m feeeeelin’ gooood. Ever heard that song ? I really need that. I have been having bad dreams. The Butcher assures me that these dreams are not warnings, simply manifestations of my fears. Fears that have plagued me …..forever. I pray them away, I cast them out, I believe and declare that they are gone…..but sometimes they come back. The dreams are vivid and detailed, they leave me unsure, unbalanced, and uneasy. In a nutshell….I have fear of death, fear of failure, extreme guilt whenever I leave the kids( even for a datenight), and general anxiety. I am growing tired of it. Increasingly tired. I have been applying for jobs and trying to be hopeful. I am powerful….that is what God says…what does he know? I actually have to ACT on what he says to make it so. It’s up to me. Do I stay or do I go ? The place I am now is dark, depressing and desperate….I know that I can go to a place that is light, hopeful….happening. Why would I even question it ? My spirit man feels malnourished, dehydrated, and infected with this world. ENOUGH. I don’t want this. I have let my spirit man become lethargic, flabby and tired….Thank God that every day is a new day. Thank God. Holla!

 Since Thanksgiving, I have been at home, without a job, every day, all day long….boring.

        I LOVE fashion, always have, but the reality of my situation has brought out the slumpy-dumpy in me. And believe me, when I say, slumpy-dumpy, I am not talking about the cute sweats in the photo here to my right.  I am getting sort of sick of it. It went from getting excited about the prospect of simply going to Target, to not really getting dressed for anything other than church. I have been not answering my phone ,and basically am sinking into the comfort of my home. The truth hurts. I wish that I could throw myself into something and really care about it, but I don’t, its got me a little worried. Our limbo is lingering. I really haven’t even wanted to blog, because I really don’t want your encouraging words. Thats the kind of mood I’m in. 

           I know it drives the Butcher CRAZY, whenever I am down. He is a fixer, and there isn’t much he can do. He is doing his best, and that is what keeps me going.  I want my JOY back ! I want my STYLE back !!  I am the original Glam Girl, I’ve just lost my mojo. But don’t you worry, it was mine all along, and I’m gonna find it !!

     The Butcher is out peddling his goods. I am encouraged by his tenacity. I am one of those people who can stay inside my house for days at a time, safe and secure with my treasures around me. Not the Butcher. He is a mover and a shaker, an exhorter. A party on wheels…literally, now that he has a hot dog cart. I, on the other hand, am being quiet. I am waiting desperately for the Lord to speak, to call me. Yesterday, I was quietly hiding, but today, I am quietly being held by Yeshua. Its nice. There is no urgency, life is not unravelling, if I sit in the silent sunshine, and just ….be. What a relief that is.

                             It is a week that is filled with school projects, and hip hop classes for belle and z, birthday parties….there is life happening around me, but for now, I am sitting. And for once….I am okay with that.

     My Lord, roll over me, swell up in me, break me open, and then….flood out.

            So….The Butcher got the official OK to park his Zippy Dog cart outside of the ACE Hardware on Woodruff this Saturday ! Is it weird ? YES. Is it wonderful ? YES ! He dreamed it, he went after it, and he is going to do it. He is not afraid of hardwork, and with his personality, I am betting that people will be showing up for the joke of the day, as well as the delicious NATHAN’S hotdogs ( homeade chili, too) !

                   Apparently, we did not realize just how good we had it at Thomas’ job. (sorry Taft) You don’t know what you’ve got til its gone….sad song. Anyways, we had a company car, and a company phone. So, when the job is gone, not only do you lose your income, but you take on a car payment and a new phone bill ! I believe that the Lord has been looking out for us though. As usual. We believe that we have been able to find 2 cars for the same amount we were paying for just mine ! Funny, just like houses, automotive values are down, too.

   I have been on the computer all morning applying for jobs…its tough because Thomas’ hours are so up in the air, and we do have a house and 4 kids that still have to be taken care of. They are my first priority. So, once again, I am asking….if you know of any possibility of a job (file clerk, answering phones…) please let me know. Thanks, and thanks for reading !

                          Where do I even start ? I have been quiet, not because there is nothing to say, but because I can’t quite wrap my head around this reality show/sitcom, that is my life right now. The butcher has decided to open up a hot dog cart. Let it sink in…. I go back and forth from excited about the idea of simple hard work, and how it pays off, to being in disbelief that this is really happening. I love that he is adventurous and not afraid to try new things, and I am terrified that I will no longer KNOW how much money is coming in each month. I don’t want to be a bad wife. I want to be his cheerleader, but sometimes I get really afraid of not being able to give the kids what they want. Want, being the key word……soccer, tennis, and new shoes are just a few of the things that come to mind. Ok….I know, I am being silly, but this is my blog after all. Thats my prerogative.

                                   On a slightly different subject…I am ok with Adam not going to private school. I am still looking at other options, but I know in my heart that Adam is good. And GOD is good….all the time. So there, some peace.

                      Back on my birthday, I really thought that the Lord was planting a seed, and telling me to start a womens lifegroup. Now, I am not so sure. I have lost the fire for that, I don’t feel equipped, and I am just not feeling it. That makes me sad. But, thats how it is.

                     We have not moved yet, haven’t even started packing. Like everything else, that is stuck in limbo. However, we have rented our house, so pretty soon we will HAVE to do SOMETHING. Whats up with that ?

                 I need to get a job, but I am picky, I have a list of things that I want, and I don’t feel free to start looking yet….just feels like I need to get some things settled first. We are trying to get 2 cheaper cars….one more thing to worry about. Things are uncomfortable around here, and thats not all bad, I see GOD working, I can feel it.

                       I know this feels like a self-indulgent whiny post, and it is, thats ok…..thats part of being honest, with myself, and with others.

         It’s the waiting that I am not good at. Atmosphere is bursting over here, and yet, nothing new. It’s like being in the final days of pregnancy, you could go at any moment, and yet…you don’t.  Something is going on, something is changing….the suspense is killing me.  I have made promises, vows, if you will to Yeshua. Vows to give up my life, my dreams….so why does it bother me so, when I really do have to give something up ? Oh yeah….I am still a human being. That.

                                         you’re all I can see, you, and the way you look at me.

                                          you’re all I can see, you, and the way that you’re saving me.

                                           saving me again today saving me from being carried away on a wave of worldliness, in a sea of destruction

                                            I belong to you, I am yours and I’m here for the taking

                                             take me away again today, sweep me away with the words that you say.

Just  making some room in my head, so that I can get some new thoughts in here. Out with the old and in with the new. 

• heartbreak doesn’t just go away, it leaves a scar.
• If you have to say no to something that you had previously said yes to…its ok. It doesn’t make you a bad person.
• should you really have to try so hard to make friends at a church you have been at for 13 years?
• Sadly…I still have an immature spirit about fitting in.
• mainly because….I don’t.
• some people try so hard to come across as authentic, but…they don’t.
• my fire is easily stoked. Can be good, and it can be bad.
• Really ?? Does your daughter need to wear a shirt with her WHOLE chest showing….my husband couldn’t even look in her direction.
• common sense people.
• some people stand by, and watch injustice, like its a reality show that they have recorded, when really they COULD stand up for what is right.
• yeah, I said it.
• Sometimes I think that false relationships take up too much space in my life….and other times I think, oh well they are only false until you make them real.
• I am pretty sure that YOU don’t know me.  and I don’t know why.

Ok.  I think I am done. I think I’ve cleared out some thoughts that have been swirling around in my head for the last couple of days. Feels a little  more spacious in there now.

         Ok. I am making a promise to myself right now. I promise not to worry about the future. I promise not to be afraid of the unknown. I promise to be in this moment ,right here, right now….After seeing the devastation in Haiti, I promise not to waste my time. My family is healthy and well, we have a home and food in our bellies.I have all that I will ever need. Here and now, tonight…safe and sound. Tomorrow I may need to make this promise again, but tonight ….I’m good. Thank you, Daddy.

        My son WANTS to go to a Christian school. I can’t provide that. God is stirring it up in me though…..why would he do that when he knows our financial situation ? Adam will be in the 7th grade next year, and there is nothing that I would live more than to be able to put him in Southside Christian. I cannot imagine the way that Adam would grow and thrive in an atmosphere where GOD was present in his education. I can apply for financial aid, but even with that, we can’t do it.

                           Adam is in advanced classes, was invited to the school for the gifted, and talented in 3rd grade, plays tennis, but more than that…he is on the threshhold of coming into what the Lord has for him, his faith is growing, and his light is shining. He has had many prophetic words spoken over him, that I know in my heart to be true. He is a runner in the spirit, he does not linger, or wait around. He has that Joshua militant spirit, and plans even now, at the age of 12, to be in on the fight against the anti-christ, and whatever else that may bring. His heart is for justice.

              I guess the purpose of this post is to test the waters, ask your opinions. Do you think it matters where he goes to school ? And how far would you go to nurture this spirit, if it were your son ? Do any of your churches have scholarships in place that could help us with this, and if not why not ? We give to missions all over the place…..is this any less important ?

           This was a hard post to write, but I feel it is important to think about, and I honestly do want your comments and ideas.