After Isabelle saw Jesus in his cowboy gear, she wrote a song titled, “call on the cowboy”. Its beautiful, and her singing it, is beautiful. Maybe I will share it later, if she lets me. After she sang it to me and her daddy, we had a jam session. I showed her a song that I had been working on, and we sang it together. I explained to her that she could get carried away in the end, add words, talk to the Lord in a song prayer….free worship. It was so awesome, I enjoyed myself more than I have in a LOOOOONG time. Somewhere along the way, someone told me I wasnt good enough, and I stopped singing. Last night reminded me how much joy it brings me, and not only me…but the one who created me.  There is so much more to the heart of a worshipper than singing….God is pulling me back to the heart of it.

          A couple of days ago, I found my old indigo girls cd, I popped it in, and was instantly taken back.  There I am, 20 years old in a friends car, we are laughing ,and singing. Figuring out parts, and just having the best time….I wasn’t worshipping at all, I was far from the Lord, but even then…..He was encouraging me to do, what I had been born to do. When I started writing, I stopped singing. I was flustered and frustrated. I didn’t know how to do this new thing. I still don’t. But, I know in my heart that the Lord opening me to something….and so it is. Open my song back up God…..

   Last night Belle wasn’t sleepy when bed time rolled around…..shocker !  I explained tht it would be a good idea to pray until she started feeling sleepy. Well, that sounded kind of boring, so I told her that when I am really needing some one on one time with Jesus that I do this…..I visualize him. I shared with her that HE is sometimes wearing jeans, and a white shirt, and sometimes, he is in full on robe mode. Either way, I say, ” hey there Jesus, Im still in love with you, and I wanted to talk.” I explained that this is what I say, and that she should have her own conversation with Him. And so, that was how I left her…..

                             On to Isaiah’s room, where I decided to continue on with this concept. I asked Isaiah to get a picture of Jesus in his mind, very quickly he said, ” I see him, he is sitting at the top of a hill.” I said, ok , lets walk toward him. Well, Isaiah took it from there. He said, “When I get there, to the top of the hill, we hold hands, and then as fast as we can we run down to the bottom. At the bottom He says, I love you, and then he acts like He is going to blow a kiss to me , but a big pink heart comes out of his lips…like a bubblegum heart!” I just gotta say, I really like that picture ! And Isaiah was happy with it , too. It confirmed the fact that Jesus is ready, willing and able to meet up with us….whenever and wherever.

             As I passed by Belle’s room, I saw that her eyes were open, so I stuck my head in, she said, “I know what he was wearing mommy…. a red, cowboy shirt with snaps down the front, blue jeans with holes in the knees, a cowboy hat, and He had a piece of wheat in his mouth”.  Well, I’ll be darned….

http://kcgreenville.com/ I went to Kingdom Culture downtown last night. The link to the left will take you to their website. I talk alot about changing the culture, and I was really inspired by what I found there last night. It was an old building, on W.Washington St. the mismatched sofas were covered, and the stage was cracked, even so….the young woman who greeted us, had the Glory on her face. She knew love, and it showed. It was a warm and wonderful atmosphere. It was mostly people younger than me. Kids, college age, some married….with a heart for the kingdom. It was really evident. The worship was not perfect, or pretentious….it was for the King, I really felt that. I had the overwhelming sense that God was getting great pleasure from the culture shift that was going on there.

               I went there specifically to pray for my friend, Amanda, who has been diagnosed with cancer. Funny thing is, she ended up ministering to me. That’s because she has tremendous joy all over her right now, and its pouring out…just like oil. It was a beautiful thing to see. I’m glad that I went. Ok,  will see you here tomorrow.

http://thechannel.chipin.com/support-the-channel  Here is the afore mentioned link ! Pray about this, its a worthy cause. My heart is for changing culture in my family, and it expands into the city. Every BIG movement that has ever been, was started by one person. A thought, a dream, a vision….this is  ours.  Please forward this link to those that have a heart for the city, and a heart for the arts ! Thanks.

      This life is not long, but its hard. I miss my friends. Some who are far away, in miles, and some who have just dissappeared from my life.  I look at photos, and I read old posts on this blog, and it makes me sad that you are not here now. I am not sure what happened, but I know that it hurt.

                     Ok….new subject. The Butcher is working on something…..isn’t he always?? The CHANNEL is a nonprofit ministry that is owned by some friends of ours from church. Its a music venue, a place where teenagers, and grown ups alike ,can go, and hear all kinds of music, all uplifting (even the screamo). Its a coffeehouse atmosphere, no alcohol. They are doing a good work, and have seen salvations in that place !! Back to the Butcher, Jay, the owner of the CHANNEL, has asked the Butcher to design and run a restaurant that will be connected to the CHANNEL. They are preparing a new location on main street, across from the HYATT, even now, as I am blogging, they are there ….working. Its 3 floors, the music, will be upstairs and the restaurant will be on the street level.  Thomas feels passionate about this, and we are praying to raise enough money to meet the needs of this new adventure ! I will post a link later, but for now, just pray….creativity and wisdom have to go hand in hand, and we need both ! 

                               I am still looking for a job. It has to be just right. More than ever, I know that the kids need me here when they get home. So, 8-2, office work….I don’t know, but I feel like God will provide it.

    We are stumbling forward, like babies just learning to walk. We end up on our a@# more than our feet, but we are moving forward. Sometimes, baby steps are all we can manage, good thing is…..we’re never stranded.

                       Even when my heart is breaking , it belongs to you….

                          and when I lose faith, you are the proof.

                     you find me where I’m broken, you hold me in your hand

                       you pour out, and cover my barren land….

                           you see the woman I am, when I can’t even lift my eyes

                           and while I am blinded, you tear off my disguise….

                           you are the LORD, my God, and I will adore you.

    For some reason, I am hesitant to blog. There are things for me to say, but everything feels so…… private….and that scares the hell out of me. I know better than anyone, the power in letting it out. So….lets just start with this….the car. I am, and have been for years, scared of driving a junky car. It comes from childhood days, breaking down, and feeling out of control. And then of course, as a teenager, my cars were terrible. No heat, no air….broken down, terrible. I have just always said, ok, Ill make payments on a newer car, at least then I will know, its pretty good. Cut to the present. The buiding industry has crashed, the housing bubble popped, and left its residue all over us ,like a big sticky bubble that you can’t get off your face.  So, when we decided to let my car go because we were so upside down in it, we were incredibly blessed to be able to buy another car. I was feeling relieved and happy about not having a payment. We searched for cars, for days and days. I wanted something with less than 150,000 miles, and yes, I wanted something with personality. Is that so wrong ?? We found what I thought was the perfect compromise, an Audi wagon. German engineering, drives just like a sports car, hugs the road, tiptronic transmission. There were a few bad reviews, but we had a mechanic check out this particular one and it seemed solid. I named her, Ingrid, and prayed for the Lord to preserve her for a long time to come. I know, thats funny, thats just the way I roll.

                                                             So…..we drove the car to Atlanta, to the American Girl Doll place. We broke down. We had it towed back to the place we bought it from. Our brother in law picked us up. There we were, on Belle’s birthday, doing the last thing that I wanted…..sitting on the side of the highway (actually, we made it to a gas station, but still). I started thinking….thats it, I don’t want this car, I can’t trust it, I want a car that I can jump into and drive to Charlotte, this isn’t it.  The car is in the shop, and they are fixing it. They have offered to let me keep the car for 60 days and if anything else breaks, I can trade it in on another car of the same price. I wanted to trade it RIGHT NOW, but the butcher, says this is a good deal, why not just drive it and wait and see??  I don’t know maybe because, I don’t want to be stranded on the side of the road.  I have real trust issues, even with cars, I guess.

               Here is the thing, I can get an old Toyota camry for the same price, with a few more miles on it, but its so boring. And thats the meat of it…..I love the personality of the Audi, but I don’t trust it, the camry is reliable, but BORING and generic.  Seems like an easy choice for the wise. But we are talking about me.  So , for now, we are waiting for the Audi to get fixed, and we are driving the camry. Maybe, it will grow on me.  On to bigger subjects tomorrow.

    More precious than gold, and as sparkly as a diamond….my Belle. Its your tenth birthday, double digits….a new chapter.  This year you have grown so tall ,and beautiful, like a tree that I planted, and watered, and loved….and loved,and loved. You are like a little piece of me that broke off, and grew into something that is MORE than I could have dreamed.  You have it all. Really. Beauty and brains, passion and spunk, a desire for justice, and a love of FUNK! Hahahahahah ! You never give up, and you never give in. I admire you. I don’t want to miss a day. I love you more than these words can say. love mommy.

 I wanted to say WE are Hosea’s wife, but for the sake of politeness, I will say….I. I am Hosea’s wife, constantly walking away from the redeeming love offered to me. Maybe not in a big way, a literal way, and yet wandering….nonetheless. I want nothing more than to accept that I am forgiven, redeemed, lifted up, and set apart. And for the most part, I do. There is one area left to take authority over….my relationships with other women. I find it hard to give my heart in new friendships. I feel judged, and never quite like I measure up. I know that is not true, I know that I know that I know it, but sometimes I still feel it. And it makes me run and hide, bury my head, retreat to my own little world with my husband ,and kids who love me so well.

                      I am sick of it. Just now, when I wrote that sentence, the Lord gave me a picture of what it looks like when I injest what the enemy tells me. He showed me a baby bird, mouth open, waiting…and then a big black buzzard chewing up dead things and regurgitating it into the baby birds mouth. I know that wasn’t a pleasant picture, but its true. The things that I allow him to feed me make me sick. They don’t nourish, they drain. I have been on what seems like a journey that has lasted a lifetime, looking for and accepting the love of Abba. I know that I have found it, and now I am eagerly awaiting the time where I will change womens lives around me, where I will testify to what the Lord has shown me, where my heart can be an open book ,and theirs too. And we will all be lighter because of it. And so….if you are Hosea’s wife today, and you just can’t believe that after all you have done, and after how many times you have wandered away, redeeming love is there for you….I am here to say, it is….I am proof.

    Here’s something…the Lord chases after me, even on my ugly days. Go figure. His touch, that fire, that is inside me ,that changes me, that makes me shine ,when I let it…..I can’t, we can’t manufacture it. It’s not man made…..its real. He is real. Without him, I am only an imposter, an impossible fake. WITH HIM….I am REAL. One woman can change the culture, I believe that. I don’t know how to do it, but I believe that it can be done.  I can ask the Lord to show me what he has in store for my husband, and my kids, and then I can go before them. I can pray, and lay the groundwork. He has set his love upon me, and because of that….I am strong enough to change the atmosphere. Mothers- you can dismantle culture as we know it. You can be the woman that your daughter turns to, and the woman that your son lifts up. I am not a dreamer, I am living in a world where the Bible tells me to call out the things that are not ,as if they ARE.  And so, I am. 

                     I don’t want to get tired, and give up on righteousness. I know that I have enough light inside me to change the darkness that comes creeping in. And so do you. What would it look like if you started dismantling the culture of your home, if you changed the atmosphere with your husband ??? Inquiring minds want to know…..