I don’t know why. I wasn’t planning on writing this, but here goes…. I am loved, and highly blessed ,to go to CrossRoads Community Church.  Highly favored by my Father. He guided me there 14 years ago, and has loved on me there in an amazing way. Maybe, I have taken it for granted, the way you do your family, sometimes. Truth is….it is a place that never lets me down. A place made out of people. People who have become friends, and friends who have become …..family. SO BLESSED. The Lord is here, HE meets me, when I am driving to the building that is my church, I ask him to meet me there, not just his presence, but HIM…the manifest MAN. He is good that way, He doesn’t want to say NO to me, after all….he is jealous for me, and loves when I draw near to HIM.  I am happy to have a church that ushers HIM in, that will put aside the programming, and the plan….because NOTHING is better than the manifest MAN.  Our leadership recognizes that, and yields to it. I love to see grown men dancing, and losing themselves in the only ONE, who can bring hope, the only ONE who can truly motivate, the only ONE who can make war, and bring Peace at the SAME TIME. WOOHOO. If the leadership didn’t yield to their emotions, if I did not see the light of the LORD shining on their faces….what then ? Where would I go ? Who could I trust ? I don’t have to answer that, because my PAPA has given me a great place to call home. He lead me there in the early days of my Christian life, when I fell down more than I stood up, and he has kept me there with the newness of his love every passing year. It is home, and I am blessed. Thats all. Glad to have the HAITI TEAM back, and so proud that you follow the LORD, no matter the cost. Love to all.

  Adam is 13 today. Adam is 13 today…what ? Just yesterday I was teaching him to write his name.  Ok, I am not going to talk about how time flies (Kelley Smith), or how, one minute you are up to your eyeballs in toys, and crumbs, and spilled juice, and the next….they are gone. Nope, not going to do it.

                       Anyone who reads this blog, knows how I feel about Adam. The Butcher, and I can’t believe that WE made him. He is THAT great. Today we,(adam and I) will be driving up to Hendersonville to pick out an airsoft rifle. Not just some little toy you can get around here…a NICE FAUX(thats important) weapon, with a scope, and all the bells and whistles that a young GENERAL PETRAEUS  needs.

                               I’ve kept my son home from school today. Nobody cares more about education than me, but there are times when I override my own rules, and this is it ! A road trip with my brand new teenager. These are the days, these are the times, I will relish this day with my son, and I hope he feels the same. Thomas and I have grown a fine young man, but his love for the LORD, and justice in an unjust world have made him extraordinary.

   Adam- I bless you with the desire to live a life of radical rebellion to what the world says you SHOULD be doing. I bless you today, at the wise age of 13, with the ability TO DO HARD THINGS, and walk a path that may not always be smooth, but one that will lead you to love, and the ONE who is love. I pray that he will reveal HIMSELF to you in everyday things, and that your charisma would draw friends and enemies alike to HIM. I love you manchild, you bring me joy EVERY SINGLE DAY. Being your mom is the GREATEST gift ever. Slow down, take it easy, come sit in my lap, and let me hold you…a little while longer.

Well. Prepare yourselves for this. I am going to be a rep for Lia Sophia jewelry. Yep. I have been sitting around here waiting for the perfect job to come along, something that would allow me to go on fieldtrips with my kids, and be here every day when they get home.  Doesn’t look like its coming any time soon. So, even though some of you are cringing right about now, I am going to do it. God has a plan, and he has been working on me gently for a while now. A few years ago, I tried to sell Silpada jewelry. I went into it with a partner…know why ? Because I didn’t think that I was strong enough, funny enough, or organized enough to do it on my own. Thats why. I just did not think that I could command a room. BULL. I have been writing this blog for a long time now, and I am learning all kinds of things about myself through it. I started out just really telling it like it is, and that felt good. Where there is light, and truth…darkness has to flee. I clung to that. I wrote about things that made my family uncomfortable, all the while ,the walls were tumbling down, and I was getting FREE.  So fast forward to now. God has spoken though several different situations that I am ENOUGH. Well, to be honest, I was still on the fence. My mind was filled with thoughts of embarrassment, and worry that I would have to bug people. I don’t think those thoughts came from God though….His desire is to bless me and mine.

                     This is birthday week for Adam, he will be 13. Thomas tried to take on extra work last week to make sure that THIS week would go smoothly….backfired. So, while I was on the phone with him yesterday, grilling him with questions about cakes, and dinners, and gifts….the LORD spoke, and my doubts were gone. Thomas is sick, and is outside in the heat building a fence today, he is TRYING, he is PROVIDING. While I was on the phone with him, I just felt the Lord GENTLY remind me of the words that I write to HIM. Words like ….I lay down my life, I pledge my allegiance to YOU, this world cannot hold me, I love you MORE than my dignity…HE gently reminded me that I am a CREATIVE being, crafted at his hand, for HIS purpose.  AND SO, I will be doing jewelry parties, I will be telling funny stories, and giving fashion advice, I WILL be ministering to the women that I meet in that way ,that is uniquely mine,not just on this blog, but in person, and…. I WILL be a proverbs 31 wife to my husband.

  WAKE UP ! BREATHE ! Breathe. Breathe….. I hear them, they are up. There are sounds of shuffling, sleepy feet, and raspy morning voices. Somewhere outside, a bird is singing. Sounds funny, but even in our hustle, and bustle…I hear her. I listen to the dreams of, at least one of them, braid Isabelle’s hair, argue with Isabelle about gratitude, when she complains about her cheerios. Make the lunches ( one gluten free), fill the water bottles. Remind Thomas his coffee cup was forgotten in the truck over the weekend. Wash it for him while simultaneously praying for him, he is sick, congested, and achy. Remember where Belle’s glasses are, give them to her, listen to Isaiah talk about legos,(his most recent obsession) for the 1ooth time ,this morning. The monkey memo HAS to be signed, say goodbye. AAAHHH. WAIT, from the car I hear, “Get my sweatshirt mom”. Ok, got it.  Touche, (that’s code for I love you). Shut the door, blow a kiss. Just like that, they are gone. One more Monday, under my belt. My life is brilliant, even at breakneck speed. I wouldn’t have it any other way, I LOVE these days.

   There is a window in my bedroom where I can see earth, trees, and sky. The view from that window brings peace to mind. The curtains cover it with a soft focus gauze…this morning I hear angry words somewhere else in the house, but I keep my gaze on that window, and I let it go. The sky reminds me to hover somewhere slightly above my circumstances on the ground. The trees , so steadfast, and sturdy…they speak to me of  quiet strength this morning.And then there is the ground, it rises up to meet me, when I think I cannot stand. An ordinary window, in an ordinary bedroom, with an extraordinary view….of YOU. God of all creation.

 Ok. More about this…I am terrible about labeling myself. Some of the labels, I recognize, and I tear them off as fast as I can, others…I buy into, they become part of my personality.Sadly. Until someone (in this case my friend Kat). Gives me a good ,stern talking to about it.  Last night Kat looked me in the eye , and she was genuinely bothered by the fact that I sell myself short. She told me that if I don’t wake up, and SEE who I really am, the person that other people see, the woman that God made me….that I will have missed out on my whole life. WHOA. yeah. She is so right. I have opened up to a select few, the chosen ones, friends that have proven their love and loyalty without a doubt.( I really must have been kicked around some in my life). I am open and frank on this blog, but surprisingly private in face to face life. I think the Lord is trying to correct that. I know that HE has given me this desire for truth, and the ability to air my dirty laundry for a reason. Its for other women, mothers, and daughters….I think HE is asking me to kick it up a notch. Until now, I just haven’t been willing, there was just a huge doubt that I had the skills, the charisma, the general likability. But HE is touching me. HE is moving me, seducing me, in that way that only HE can. And HE is using HIS daughters to do it. Women who unselfishly love me, and spend time telling me that I am GOOD. Their words, but the FATHER’S HEART for sure. For real.

           So, even now, as I deal with the tearing off of these labels, and believe me, some of them are like bandaids…they sting, coming off….even now, I pray that you too, will start to feel the moving in your spirit to deal with the labels that you wear…. ugly, stupid, less than, fat, lazy, addict, homewrecker, nagging wife, bad mommy, alcoholic, frigid, unloving( the LORD is giving me these, so they need to be torn off) controlling, clumsy, unstable, and fragile. Do it. Tear it off, as quick as you can, there is something else for you !! I am so glad, there is more to me, there is more to you…WE are…perfectly crafted, beautiful, smart, life givers, homemakers, earth shakers, pain takers, singers, dancers, songwriters, creative, hardworkers, strong, willing, we are business women, and missionaries, we are lovers, and friends, wives and sisters, but first and foremost, we are DAUGHTERS of the one who IS LOVE. And it goes on and on and on….

There are so many thoughts swirling around inside my head today….how do I decide which one to blog about ? Well, first off, I have had a thought stuck in my head since I woke up. It will not go away, I did some laundry, watched a little t.v. , still, there it is. The thought……IT’S A GOOD DAY TO BE ALIVE. Hmmmm.

          Well, since I can’t decide on one cohesive thought, I will touch on a number of subjects. Should be interesting.(or confusing)

1.    topic 1 – Thomas has vivid plans and dreams for our lives. Maybe they are not always realistic, but it sure does distract me from daily struggles. Ok, so this months plan is this…become a BIGFOOT hunting family, and film our adventures in the wilderness. Are you following me ? I mean, I certainly do believe that we are colorful, and funny enough in our daily lives to be filmed, BUT…..most likely not going to happen.(if it did , I know some of you would be glued to your tv’s watching it). The REALITY is, he is at the high school today,  with the hot dog cart…paying the bills. I love him for his visionary ways, and I respect him for getting out there and providing for us.
2. topic 2-the show Parentood on NBC, I love it. I cry every time I watch it, it is so close to home for us. If you watched last night, and saw Max lose his mind when the plans got changed…well , then you know what it looks like around here sometimes. I totally related to the therapist when she started taking her earrings off, in preparation for the physical battle that was coming. Just a little birds eye view . It happens less now with the changes in his diet, but Isaiah still has meltdowns just like that.
3. topic 3- Hair, I know this is random, but it was on my mind. If you have a husband who wants you to change your hair, or your clothes for that matter…I think you should seriously consider it. Put your womens lib on the back burner, and your turn up the heat in other areas. Sometimes we are guilty of losing sight of our husbands,(and wives too). We get so used to seeing them through only our eyes, that we forget there is a whole world looking at them too. I never want to forget what a catch Thomas is. He is a good man, and those are few and far between. There are plenty of women who (if given the opportunity) will not hesitate to make him feel appreciated, and adored. ( I am speaking from experience here) So, it is my plan, and my job to take care of that. If he is sending me signals about my appearance, then maybe I should look into it. To validate his feelings. I want him to know that I CARE about what he wants. KEEP YOUR GUARD UP WIVES, THERE ARE PITFALLS AROUND EVERY CORNER. Please don’t get offended by this, I am speaking what is on my heart and mind. My husband was married when I met him. I am not proud of it, but I do feel like there are some wives out there that could benefit from my knowledge. The knowledge that …..I wish I didn’t have.
4. topic 4- Friends. I can’t for the life of me figure it out. I am never in the  “group” that I want to be in. I spend a lot of time offended…junior high style.  I am sort of half passed give a damn about it today. Feel like the LORD has given me some insight. He is always right on time. This train is moving on . No more time spent on it. To those of you who have great friendship, be blessed, and remember to GIVE as good as you get. Enjoy . And to those of you who feel you have gotten the short end of the stick…wrap up this chapter, move on. Be open to new people, and experiences. You are unique, I am unique….we are wonderfully made, perfectly crafted. And that is enough.
5. topic 5 (and the last for today) kids…..My eyes are so open to my kids right now, time is flying, and in slow motion at the same time. Just the way I want it. I am present in EVERY aspect of their lives, soccer, student council, homework, and social pressure, but mostly their relationships with the King of the Universe. I have had my head stuck up, well you know where, for so long…trying to cultivate friendships, and write songs, and find my place….well guess what(and you can agree or not, this is for me) I WAS MISSING OUT ON THEM….the REAL THEM, their personalities, my last days and months of building character in them. I have been selfish. I still want those things, but not at the cost of this time with my kids. Every mom is a missionary…some of us don’t see it that way. Bedtime is the sweetest around here, not the easiest, but the sweetest. We take the time to pray with the kids, I pray for REA L in front of them. Otherwise, how will they understand how to grow that relationship with a GOD that is so far away(in their minds). Example, thats the only way. Ministry starts at home.

    Ok, I warned you. I have been wrapped up in the fogginess of all of these thoughts for the last few days….good to get them out. Here comes the sun. IT’s A GOOD DAY TO BE ALIVE.

  Belle and I had a great time at the conference we went to.(secretkeepergirls). It was fun enough to keep her attention, and serious enough to get mine. There was a story about a prince, who layed down his royal garb to rescue an unassuming, unaware…princess. And even in the simple way it was told so that young girls could GET it, it made me cry. It stirred my heart again. The thought of it. The magnitude of what Jesus has said, has done, has given up, for me…for his bride. It just never gets old.

                 We talked about the labels that we put on ourselves, as girls and women( not to mention mothers). We took a minute to let our daughters tell us what labels they felt like they were wearing around. WOW…eye opening. We broke that label off, we spoke GOD’s word over it, and replaced it with the truth. And then we did a funny thing…the moms told their daughters about their own labels. I didn’t think it would be as hard as it was, but I was wrong. It was HARD to look at my 10 year old, with her huge eyes staring into mine, and admit that I walk around feeling like I am wearing a tag that says…unlovable. But I knew I would, and I did. She prayed for me in that sweet voice of hers, and then she went to the place on my journal where I had written the word UNLOVABLE, she crossed it out, and wrote YOU ARE LOVED ALL OVER. The tears came. She spoke directly to my heart. That alone was worth the trip.

          We talked a whole lot about clothes and beauty, and I think she took away some important ideas. I would be remiss if I did not mention the trip down. I rode with a close friend, and a new friend. It was a time of warm, woman fellowship. An open atmosphere of sharing was evident right from the start. We talked about hard things, and I was just so blessed by both friends. Its good to get out of my own head every once in a while.  So thanks be to God for women, young and old…the gatekeepers, the worship warriors, the life givers, and the….secret keepers.

  Belle and I are going to Georgia tonight for the secretkeepersgirl conference. I am so excited to be with her. The times that it is just the two of us are few, and far between. The basis of secretkeepers is modesty, good self-image, and abstinence. Keeping your secret for your husband. I think its brilliant. I have learned from my own experience, and from having an older daughter…there is NO WAY to MAKE someone abstain. However, you can teach the reasons why it is right, teach what to expect, and be there for them every step of the way. Thats my plan. I am leaving it up to the Lord to give Belle what she needs, that spirit connection that will give her the strength, and the compass that she needs to navigate through this time.

              I complain a whole lot about the kids growing up, because I am a selfish mommy, but don’t think for a minute that I don’t know how blessed I am to watch these babies that grew in me, and passed right through me, turn into grown ups…I do. I do. I do.

   I am the gatekeeper….of my home. When I let my guard down, my enemy knows.  And when I go to battle, my enemy knows that too. I am not a quiet watchman, I am highly motivated to protect the treasures that live within these gates. Treasures such as, my children, and my marriage. I am entering a time of battle now, Adam is about to turn 13, and I will guard him with my life. At the same time, I have to let go of him, he has to become a man. A wonderful, smart, good man, but a man, nonetheless. How do I guard him, and let go of him at the same time ? The answer that I keep getting is this…love and prayer. Love him  like there is no tomorrow at all, and pray that his Spirit will guide his thoughts and actions. I have to believe that every little seed that I’ve sown has taken root. 

             I went to bed in tears the other night at the thought of Adam REALLY leaving this house for good. I can’t imagine a house without him in it. My spirit is going to have to lead me in that…I know this post is self-indulgent, thats ok…its just whats on my mind today. Last night we had the opportunity to talk about SEX, a little. I usually have about a 2 minute window with Adam, before he tries to escape the horror of talking about it with me.  I know that Thomas is in charge of it, but sometimes the LORD gives me things that I need to tell my son. I AM THE GATEKEEPER, after all. Well, the nugget that he gave me last night was this…..this girl/woman that the Lord is preparing for you, to be your wife….she is going to be spunky, and smart, beautiful, and funny, and her spirit is going to recognize you !!! Basically, the Lord told me to tell my son, that his wife was worth waiting for. Are  you praying for your childrens future spouses ? Who is keeping the gate at your home today ? Just wondering….