Tag Archives: faith

just KNOWING Abba is right here.

child of my heart, (and whom it may concern)

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dear whomever (i don’t know if that’s a word),

I owe you, and you, and you…and most likely you, an apology.  I am so sorry for my judgement.  Who do I think I am…right ? No, it’s not like that at all.  My judgement comes from a giant, humongous place of fear.  Fear that you will know the kind of shame, and hurt, and heartbreak that I have known. Through the years, this fear has overpowered everything. Even my trust that God has all of us in his hand.  Fear overpowered my love. How is that possible if perfect love casts out fear ? Because of the power I gave to the fear.  I called it’s name…love.  I am shattered about this, but overjoyed at the realization that every day is new.   I am new.  It was my own shame that I wore like a garment that weighed me down, and in my desire for you to NEVER wear it… I covered you in it.  Again, and again…I’m sorry.  I’ve spent the morning in negotiations with my papa about how to handle this.  He agreed to this post, but only if it included some specific things.  Here they are…..  First, you are beautiful, and funny, you are a princess, and I’m sorry I never told you that.  Second, you are smart, and you are strong. I am hoping that you are strong enough to forgive. And last, and most importantly….I love you, and nothing could make me stop. There is no thing, or feeling that you have, or have had that is foreign to me.  I have spent years walking down dark corridors, but I was always looking for light.  I know that you are too.  I am here. I am not going anywhere. Even in my moments of anger, I have prayed for you. Open up your heart, let that shield that you wear to protect yourself fall away, that is what I am doing even now. It is a new day. The gift of daylight comes without fail, like a symbol of the mercy that starts over, and over, and over.  I was never disgusted by you, it was me, and my fear. I hope you understand. God is love, and he has forgiven me so much. Say you will too ?

writing….

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It’s been a while since I have put a poem, or a song on this blog.  I have been busy writing about the everyday.  Funny thing is…every  psalm,  poem , and song that I write is also about the every day.  My everyday. So here goes. Enjoy.

                                                             Stay

What if I run so far that you never find me ? And what if I drive this car so fast, that I forget the past ?

What if I walk away from my every day ?

Will you come for me ? Will love remind me ?

What if I give up now, and break this vow ? Will your love forgive me ? Will your love rescue me ?

And what if I stay ….What if I say….I can’t make it through a day, without you….will your love fight for me , draw it’s sword, and lay down it’s life for me ?

                          Every day we choose. And some battles, we lose. But instead of giving up…we give in.  And in the end,


                                       LOVE wins.


 


Clearly….

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WORSHIP- The feeling or expression of reverence, or adoration.

              Clearly, we are made for worship. All of us. Humanity. And boy, do we do it. We worship money, power…notoriety. Some of us worship sports, and the guys who excel at sports. We worship our bodies, and we worship love. We worship pleasure, and we worship the sun.  We worship fashion, and the pursuit of youth.  We can even worship our kids…no, you don’t say. Yes. Guilty.

Sometimes, we worship the ONE who created worship, the one who created us. And this feels better, and FILLS better than any other kind of worship.  I’m looking in the mirror tonight, and I’m asking the question…what do I lay down my life for ? Turn off the tv for ? Unplug for ? Who, or what…am I worshipping ? In the Bible, worship went before war.  It broke down walls, and stirred up faith.  We were made for battle, we were made for worship. But only one kind of worship is going to satisfy our hunger, our longing…our discontented lives. True worship, of the Lord, our God, in spirit, and in truth.  amen.  I just needed to be in his presence tonight, and to share.

start with me.

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Practicing what I preach is a concept that has never come easy to me. I can clearly see what my kids need to do , and I am quick to tell them. (ask them, they will not deny it).  Adam is feeling like the Lord doesn’t speak to him, well, that’s easy son….go to HIM, draw close, and he will answer.  Isaiah feels like he is not enough, not worthy…ok then, let’s bless your spirit with the truth, the only truth…what Father says about you. Simple.  Belle is having girl problems, feeling less than, and in general friendship tribulations. What do I say ? You have to be a friend to have a friend. Be kind, don’t take their words, or lack of words personal. They don’t mean to hurt you. This advice… I don’t take, listen to, or accept.  At the ripe old age of 38,  I still am a work in process when it comes to friends.  I over analyze, I feel left out…and I withdraw. So today, I am asking. Lord- START WITH ME. Keep on giving me the wisdom to teach my kids, but start with me. Repair my heart where it is wounded, so that my words would be truth to them.  Bring change, bring understanding, and belief, start with me.

On my own almost grown girl is having nightmares.  She is haunted by the very things that she has allowed into her mind.  My advice, turn from those things, repent, start over…again, and again, you can do it every day.  She is doubtful, unbelief is all over her face.  She is no different than me when I doubt, I just happen to be more seasoned at coming back to you Lord. And so, I pray that as you start this work with me, that it would overflow into her. That faith would begin to trump doubt, that peace would reign over chaos, and most of all…that love would slap the face of fear. Start with me,  start here.

The writing was on the wall….

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            It is so true that God’s mercies are new every day ! I was so done yesterday, and after resting in the afternoon , and a few wonderful words that the Lord sent me through some beautiful friends…I am ready to finish our school year strong. I am listening to the one who created Isaiah…who better to tell me how to raise this little man ?

Natalie, when you typed the word gentle giant….you were so right on. Isaiah can spew hateful words at me at times, but the fact is, he is gentle in spirit, and things wound him easily. It is my job to see past the anger, and speak to his spirit man.Never doubt your influence, yesterday you were a shiny spot on a dark horizon. (just like HE said you were).

And as for you Mrs. Pat. your prayers are a treasure to me. I often hear people say- when I was growing up, I had someone praying for me, all the time….I am always envious when I hear that. Now I don’t have to be, I LOVE that I have you praying for me. Thank you, it means so much.

And so, with that being said…we are working. Once we are through the math, which is tedious for Isaiah, we will build a model of a pioneer log cabin. (The Lord gave me that idea). Isaiah can’t wait. Sometimes, you just have to rewrite your plan.

confessions of a mom.

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We are at the end of the school year.  There have been giant steps forward in my relationship with my youngest son. Our time homeschooling has been sweet, and incredibly frustrating at the same time.  I am feeling the pressure to get everything in , now that the year is almost done.  I know that it will be near impossible to get him to do school work when the other kids get out for summer. Problem is, it’s near impossible to get him to do it now.  Our relationship is better, HOWEVER, He is in his room now, and I am struggling to sort out my feelings of despair, and anger, love, and fear. He will not obey. Sound simple ? It’s not.  Before you start commenting on parenting skills, please understand….we have tried everything. As a parent, when you are faced with a child who simply refuses to comply with what you ask him to do…it is maddening.   Isaiah has many different ways of reacting to guidance, discipline…or simple requests. He might yell and get angry, or he might cry like his heart is breaking, or my least favorite…holding his hand over his ears, and just refusing to listen to any one’s voice.  Okay, here is where you think- maybe there is a learning problem, or an emotional problem…maybe. He is extremely social, he could play with friends all day, as long as everything goes his way, everything is ok. No exaggeration, if he is watching tv, and I say ok, time to go pick up the kids, he will flat out refuse to go if he doesn’t want to. So, at that point, I can punish him, if I can get him to listen, or I can give in. I am sorry to say that I have given in too many times to count. I confess to being exhausted. I confess to not knowing if he has a real problem, or if he is strong willed, and spoiled, I confess to reading every parenting book I can find, and believing that it will be the SOLUTION.  And I confess that today the Lord said, stop this cycle. He gave me a clear path…tell Isaiah what you expect, and what’s going to happen if he disobeyes, or refuses.  I confess my disbelief that this will work, mainly because I couldn’t get him to sit down, and listen to those words.  I confess that this child of my heart, hurts me, and I hurt him.  I confess that I am willing to do anything for him.  So Lord, I believe, but help my unbelief.