Let’s see….how do I explain this ? I’ve had a weird issue for years and just last week I shared it with my husband for the first time. Here is the issue: I get up, get dressed, put my makeup on and then within just a few minutes, I have FORGOTTEN WHAT I LOOK LIKE. Whether I’m at work ,or out shopping, or at the kids school…I not only forget what I look like, but I start to believe that I look different (old, uglier, haggard, plain)than what I really do. I thought,up until yesterday, that this was a mental issue(hahaah). It’s not !!

       James1:23 says (and here is where the supernatural comes in ) anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who who looks at his face in the mirror and after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like.

 THE HOLY SPIRIT has knocked me out. People on this earth have given me words of encouragement, words of hope, and words of correction, but this is the first time the SPIRIT OF GOD has so clearly given me a word of correction ! Am I offended….NO. I am loved, and loved, and loved. Beyond my disbelief, and beyond my disobedience, and beyond my wandering. I AM LOVED.

I don’t know why or how, but in an instant tonight, I came to that realization. Without a doubt. And its made me crazy !! I want to SHOUT ! I want to tell the world how this knowledge of the LOVE of God has messed me up. I want to praise him from the inside out…..how does that look ? How can I make it happen ? He breaks me down until I am shattered pieces of sound making my way through the atmosphere.And he breaks me open, that he can fill me up.  I’ve spent my whole life trying to fill the space inside, because I could FEEL , the space inside. Lovers and liars, vanity and pride…nothing satisfies….until him. HIS love is saving me now, His love is saving me now, his love is saving me now.

                     I will stand beneath your wings(they are BIG enough)

                      I will look to you for my everything(you ARE enough)

                      I will abide in your love…because you have set it upon me.

We found out right before Christmas that Isaiah had a hearing screen at school and failed. The nurse notified us that Isaiah had to see an audiologist for further testing. Of course, I have been backtracking over all the odd emotional things that have gone on with Isaiah over the last couple of years. Basically torturing myself with “what if he couldn’t hear ?” So, we had the test yesterday…the doctor came out and said “your son has a significant hearing loss”. My heart sank. The good news is, the problem is in his middle ear, there is a medical explanation behind it. His eardrums have fluid built up behind them and therfore, are not moving and vibrating like they should. Tomorrow we see the doctor who will start the healing process by cleaning out his ears and removing the tubes that have been in there since he was one (we thought they had come out years ago, but they are stuck).It won’t be pleasant, but we have to do that in order to see the eardrum and go from there.

                                         At the beginning of this year, we found out that Isaiah was not participating in gym, I am positive that this hearing thing has played a huge part of this. He COULDN’T HEAR THE INSTRUCTIONS! He has been hearing things as if under water, thats why he talks so loud. Aha ! I am just so relieved to figure out a small piece of the puzzle that is Isaiah.

When I look around at my circumstances, I admit I am sometimes guilty of seeing dry bones. Today, I was reminded of what ezekiel saw in his vision. The Lord told him to prophesy and speak life into the bones. Maybe ezekiel was like me, maybe he thought those bones were dead and gone…hopeless. But he did it ANYWAY! And AS he was speaking, the bones began to shake. I want to see that in my life, in these dry areas that I think are dead. The bones began to come together, sinews and flesh….are you following me?

                     I am NOT going to look at my circumstance today, but at the KING OF THE UNIVERSE, who holds all things in his hands. All things.

              I will prophesy over my children today, my husband, my bank account, my calling…and AS I speak THERE WILL BE SHAKING!!

There is a little girl that I know, who has been fighting cancer for 2 years…she is only 6. I don’t understand it, and I am not going to pretend that it doesn’t make me angry.

            On Monday, Isaiah refused to go to school(after months of doing it succesfully), Adam was sick in the bed with stomach issues, and I was on my couch asking the Lord to sort it out. Just then I hear rushing water upstairs, the toilet is overflowing, water 2 inches deep in the bathroom(i hate wet socks). I am getting towels, rushing around, sort of yelling in panic, when I hear something that sounds like the water is turned on at my kitchen sink…..its water coming out of my ceiling onto my couch, my blanket, my floor and my dog. At this point, it seems almost humorous. Almost. I finished that day with a trip to the dentist, just to find out that I have six, thats right, six, cavities. Top it all off with a huge fight with my husband the next day…AWESOME.

           None of that was really serious, but it felt like the world was caving in around me. The whole time, my best friend was having the most glorious spiritual time, she even had a word for me,The Lord said for me to come up higher. All I could think was ” how do I do that, when i’m falling into a pit ?”

                            Today as I lay on the couch with all the light off, shutting out all of the things that I did not want to face, my best friend texted me. Here is what she said “please pray that I won’t fall into the pit that is being prepared for me”. And so, the Lord spoke to me as I prayed for her, almost involuntarily, I prayed for me,too. That we would allow ourselves to be broken open, and filled with HIM. If you are reading this, know that even in despair the Lord uses you. All my love.

Its nice to know that we can be remade in the Lord. He can change our minds, our hearts, our fashion, our lovelives, our voices, even our hair !!

                I want to be remade, I want to believe that I AM BEING remade, even as I type this. There is no physical evidence that I am being remade right now, but I think I am.

AHA!….Shame was never my portion? Are you sure God, I could have sworn that it was, for as long as I can remember. You keep finding new ways to tell me that it was not, that it IS NOT. that I am new, that I look like you.

             Bewildered and baffled by you, tied down to my own view

           open me up and let your love flow through

                 stop my heart until it beats just for you

you’re calling my name, singing my song

         bringing me back to the place I belong

The other day, Isabelle said to me “i just read the story about the lady who poured her perfume out all over jesus, now, why would she do that if she knew she could sell it, and do something good with the money?” First of all, it shocked me that this was the view Isabelle had of this…a worldly view. But then I realized, she was just going with her gut, she wasn’t saying what she had been programmed to say, or what she thought people wanted to hear. She was just being practical.

                          So, I started explaining about giving up all you have, wasting your life on your love, how he is worth it…all of our posessions and even our dignity, that its all about him.

            Later on, I was sitting around thinking about(lamenting really ) worship, my songs and my heart . And about how helping out in the kids worship had been fun, but not like “REAL” worship. Just then, the Lord hit me over the head with what I had been sharing with Isabelle.

                Singing and dancing in front of those kids IS pouring out my worship on HIM. Its not wasted, what i do unto the least of these, I do unto HIM. And so, the next time I am in there and I look out at the faces of the children, what I will be seeing is JESUS, and you better believe that I will be breaking my bottle and pouring it out. Every last drop…he will fill it again.

Have you ever seen one of those movies about a hard-nosed pirate with a heart of gold? Thats Isaiah !! I love him too much. He is the last, the baby,my big finale !! Last night ,at bedtime, he said ,”God created the earth in 6 days and on the 7th day, he rested. Now, I am 7 and thats God’s favorite number.” He was so pleased with himself for being 7. I’m pretty pleased too. Happy birthday, my big boy. May God’s favorite number bring you peace and joy all year long.

I love to spring clean, even though its winter. January means throwing out and cleaning out. I am not a pack rat. EXCEPT, in my heart. It is so hard to change my way of thinking, the cycle of emotions that I allow over and over. I have a hard time getting rid of anger and resentment, I keep them way  in the back, behind joy, and gratitude, just in case I need them…someday. You know what I’m talking about. I want to get rid of them for good. I’m GETTING rid of them for good !!

There is this part of me that is so sad/sleep deprived/dehydrated/spiritually depleted and sick when Chritmas is over.

                What is the cure ? Orange juice and a couple of tylenol ? A project, to keep my mind busy and confused ?  don’t know. I usually throw myself into the new year with organizing something or other, or the goal of becoming addicted to the gym. This year though, I am predicting that those things will not SATISFY. I want you Lord, want  you to change me, rearrange me, make me new ,make me look like you. And not just that, make me SEE like you. Look at my circumstance like you would.

           I know why I am tired, it is hard to carry around the weight of the world,or at least the weight of my world. I want you to take that Lord. I believe that you can. So…when nothing satisfies me, come and be enough.