In an attempt to not sound like a broken record, I will not tell you that Isaiah cried, but went in his class. I will try not to write about the fact that we have been called in by the school to discuss stategies for Isaiah’s “behavioral struggles”. OOOOOPS. I did it anyway. Sorry. I can’t seem to see anyone or anything else. Isaiah actually NEVER gets into trouble at school, its just the getting into the building. Is that how you spell building ? I don’t know.

                                 On a logical level, I am aware that Isaiah is making headway, and that I am OK. On an experiential level, where I am actually experiencing this…I don’t feel ok. I know , rejoice to have joy. Got it. Can’t. Too tired.

                       Sometimes the enemy lies to me in an abstract voice, its not audible, but I know its him. Well, this weekend, I have heard him in his “OUT LOUD” voice, and boy, is it scary. He has to bow down to me and the one that lives inside me, but I have to keep the faith, and right now, I just feel tired. I know that I need someone to hold my arms up in this battle, so pray for joy for me in the little things, and patience in the not so little things. Thanks.

                         Ps… Thank you Freckles for taking him this morning, thank you for sneaking in behind him to check on him, thank you for holding him when you saw the brokeness. I feel my arms being lifted by you and I will stand to fight another day.

           I was off today, of work that is. But I work Saturday and Sunday, yes, SUNDAY. We are going to try it out for a little while. It was a good day. We took the kids to the skatepark after school and let them scooter themselves exhausted. It is so funny to watch them there, they start out so timid, and by the time we leave, they are totally full of themselves. I love it when they believe in themselves as much as I do. I know God feels that way about me. He is working it out and I am getting there. Ok…bath time !

Last night during prayers, Isaiah prayed for 2 little girls that we know thare very sick, and I said,” you can pray for yourself, too, thats okay “. So he did, he said”Jesus please give me hope”. That is the second time that he has asked for that when we pray about school. I find it very interesting that he doesn’t ask for courage or strength….I can only assume that the HOLY SPIRIT is working through him.

           Freckles offered to do a car pool this morning, just to change it up and see what would happen ….

                            Of course, I was slightly doubtful and hesitant because I don’t want him to have a crutch, but he wanted to do it , and so we did. He walked straight in that school ! Thank you Lord for a day of reprieve and a day of…HOPE.

Glam is participating in the twestival fashion show tomorrow night at the Lazy Goat down town. We met up at the store last night to send one of our favorite employees off to college, and to dress the Miller sisters for their trip down the runway ! It was a nice diversion from everyday life around here.

Sidney is struggling with Spanish this year, its harder than she thought. So, she spends a lot of time studying in her room. I hope.

Adam is doing well at middle school, the homework load seems to be light, he is getting a trombone today for band class. I wanted him to do chorus, but he said there are no boys in there. Fine, what do I know ?

Isabelle….(can you hear me sigh?) Everyday, she comes home and says that she does not have any homework . And no study guides either. So, being the control freak, that I am, I wrote a note to the teacher asking what Isabelle is supposed to be studying, so that I could help her. The teachers response was NOT what my brain wanted to hear. She does a lot of teaching in class, and the tests are mostly based on that, so the students really have to LISTEN. uh oh. Last night, at bedtime, Belle remembered that she had a project due today. Fun. Daddy helped her get it done. I know, I don’t REALLY deserve him.

Can I just say that Isabelle is suffering right now too? We scoot her out of the way to deal with Isaiah far too many times. It’s hurting my heart. This weekend I am going to do something fun with her. I want her to know how much I love her, and I’m not sure that I am conveying that right now. I am on edge and tired of all the song and dance.

Yesterday afternoon, I picked up the kids, I like doing this. They come out of the school with smiling faces, excited about what the afternoon will hold. Isaiah had a good day, got his progress report…all a’s. This morning , he decided that he did not want to cooperate at all. Laid in the floor would not get dressed. Have any of you tried to dress a seven year old lately ? A little difficult to say the least. Eventually, I threatened a spanking. NOT what I want to do. He cried louder and louder the closer we got to school. Thomas walked him in and he seemed to be fine when he got in the room with the teacher.

I, however, am not fine. I look and feel terrible, I am tired. I dread getting up every morning. The same fight over and over is starting to wear me down. I don’t think that jokes are funny, or that food is good, I am trying to rejoice, but it’s hard.

Thomas is doing his best. He is working so hard on his coffee company, and everyone who tries it, loves it ! I agree, the fresher the better. It does make a difference. He is trying to keep all of his balls in the air, so to speak. ( sorry, I guess I DO still have a sense of humor). He is helping with Glam, and working at W3, and Black ass coffee, and trying to get giftcard recycle off the ground. Meanwhile back at the ranch, holding me together. It’s a big job. It can only be the Lord in him. I am so grateful.

Ok, thats it. Thats the update. I hope you read this blog because you fight for the underdog, and not because you like to watch people unravel. peace.

I took the weekend off. Everything in me is urging me to take the week off as well. To go back to bed and cover my head.

               We took Z to Word of God ministries yesterday for his counseling session. We made some headway, however, he did not recover the exact memory that is causing the nervousness and anger and fear about school. We uncovered some lies and a wonderful time of prayer. It was a peaceful place and Z could feel that. He sat for the whole 2 hours praying and cooperating. If you have ever been around a 7 year old boy, you know how hard that is.

                   Its hard when your memories are still pretty fresh and his are only a few years old. I did some forgiving of teachers who have treated him like there was something wrong with him, and church teachers who have grabbed his arm or shoulder (when he was 3) he may not have remembered that yet, but I DO.

                               If you volunteer in the kids area ,at your church or mine, or if you teach preschool…I beg you to do it prayerfully. You have great influence over developing children, speak to them in a voice that would sound like Jesus to them, and if you must touch them, then do it in love. My son believes that he is unlovable, horrible, and a bad kid. The lie started out small, but has grown into something that could shape his whole life, if we let it.

                           Isaiah got up and got dressed this morning, he ate breakfast and then all of a sudden…he was missing, we called his name and he did not come. He was no where in the house. My heart started skipping beats. Thomas went to look outside, and he found him. Thank GOD. He found him, because REALLY, Isaiah wanted to be found. And he came in and started the process of hiding in a corner and crying. We remembered to speak truth and blessings over him, I know it might sound cheesy to some of you, but , I , WE, are willing to do whatever Jesus says to to do where this little sheep is concerned. You may think that we are being bambuzzled, or fooled by Isaiah. I do not think that is the case. He has a physical reaction to going to school and we will help him, we will listen to the LORD and lean on him. Its all we can do.

            Thomas took Z and although , he was crying when he went in, he was not fighting and we count that as a victory.

                    Lord, I pray for all of the children who feel LESS THAN, this morning. I pray for all of the children who have been told that they are HORRIBLE, or stupid, or had someone say to them,,”WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?” I pray that you would speak loud enough to drown out the lies. You only speak truth, and the truth will set them (us) free. So come on speak to Isaiah and all the rest of the ones who need to hear it today. Break the chains that break our backs, break the shackles that cause our wrists to bleed, come and set us free today.

This is off the subject. I could write another whole blog about Isaiah, but I will break from that today. Instead, I will tell you something funny and insightful from my childhood…get ready  to laugh.

                       When I was a teenager, I had a crazy cat. She was wild and could not be contained. She had kittens, and that made her even wilder. The point is, one day I came home to find one of the little newborn kittens dead. I knew I had to bury it and I found a shoebox and put him in it. Amy( my sister), and I thought about how to proceed with this burial, seeing as how we did not have a shove, or any other digging tool. We put our heads together and do you know how we buried that kitten ?? With spoons !! How is that for using using what you’ve got.

       One more story , once when Amy had a date and our yard looked terrible because we did not have a lawnmower, we got out in the yard and cut the grass with…scissors ! Are you laughing or crying ? We have also swept leaves into a pile, when we didn’t have a rake ! There is something to be said for getting by on what you’ve got. Hope this took your mind off of Isaiah, it did mine. peace.

    I really want to say”its no big deal, in the scheme of things, in the big picture”, but thats just not how I feel this morning. Sorry. Isaiah woke up good, and when it was time to get in the car he asked for a tums (which he does every morning), its his way of letting us know ” im not ok”. We started to pray for his physical symptoms, he also felt like his throat was closing up, but would not take a cough drop and would not be consoled. He did get in the car, but would not put on his seatbelt, so Thomas got him out and is taking him in.

                      What do you do when someone doesn’t want to be healed at that time ? He is having too hard a time seeing past his fear to see what the Lord is doing. The advice that I have been given, is to let the Lord love on him and me and let the Lord do the work, but I have to lament here for a second….PRACTICALLY, I have to DO something. Right ? My baby is suffering and I feel like he is in a prison of his own making. It seems so simple, just go to school…..why can’t it be easier for him, for me ? Why does he feel like his throat is closing up ? And don’t think that I haven’t heard the voice in my head saying, “he is going to remember this, that you didn’t care if his tummy amd throat were hurting, that you sent him away from you anyway”. 

                              I know thats not from the Lord, but it is there…So, I am going to go now and pray. Would you please do the same? I know its not a disease, its not cancer, its not life-threatening, but it IS spirit-threatening, so those of you that are reading this don’t move on to your next blog of the day, just stop and intercede for my son today, for my family, it affects us all. thanks.

 We have had 2 great days of Isaiah going to school, then this morning, he was sad ,and did his best to stay in bed. I did my best at sounding like Jesus, and reminded him that HE DOES ALL THINGS WELL. He denied it this morning. “I don’t do all things well, I don’t”. Yes HE DOES. He did get up, he did eat breakfast, he did brush his teeth, He did get in the car….and as we sat in the line he said,”my pants are itchy, we need to go home and change”, at this point, I was trapped in the line…so I had thomas to meet me with different clothes, and Isaiah changed and got out of the car, but as he walked toward the school, he got slower and slower, and eventually started he to cry. I can see him fighting to do the right thing….whatever this battle is for him….He is fighting.  Making a valiant effort. He went in, he was not angry, and that is a victory.

                              Thanks to the ladies that stayed and talked to me last night about my baby. Thanks for caring about him and about me. Thank you for not saying” have you spanked him, or that he is spoiled”. Thanks for “SEEING” there is more than meets the eye. Love …..

I heard the words written above, clearly, a long time ago, when I was searching and falling prey to the idea that I was unlovable…I heard it again today, but I am in a place of understanding now. Everlasting love.

 The Butcher usually tells bedtime stories, he is SO much better at it than me, but last night we did things a little different. We went to each child and asked them to ask the Holy Spirit to bring them back a memory of something we had done, as parents, that made their heart pound, and anger knot their stomach, or just plain hurt their feelings. It was crawling up on the altar in the purest form. Recognizing the wrong and asking forgiveness from the ones that love us the most, and the ones that are hurt by us the most. It was interesting, to say the least.

                                          I have certain triggers, these triggers set off certain reactions in me that are NOT good. I have narrowed down the most obvious triggers- accusation, rejection, and correction. Up until now, if you did any of these things to me, then you were just plain, shut out. Cut. Eighty-sixed. After last nights marriage class with Gene Wagstaff, I know the single incident in my childhood that recorded the feelings that I have now whenever I am accused, rejected or corrected. Thank you HOLY SPIRIT. Now that I know it, I can deal with my unforgiveness and move on.

                               There was NO way ,that I was going to go one more day without clearing the air with my children. So…start up the fire and climb on the altar, offer up your pride and make things right with the ones you love.

ps. If you want to know the incident, I will share. So, let me know.