I feel like blurting out my weaknesses to you right now. I know for a fact, that once we say things out LOUD, they get smaller, so here goes…..

• the books of the Bible, I can’t find the ones I need, to save my life. If the pastor says to look something up, you would think that I am on Jeopardy, thats how much pressure I feel.
• communication…yep, I let things build and boil until they spill over and burn someone.
• driving….I don’t like to drive, it makes me nervous. My friend Erin was born to drive, its one of the things that I admire about her.
• taking care of my husband when he is sick- NOT GOOD. I just want him to be well, and somehow have convinced myself that if I don’t believe that he is sick, that he’s not.
• laundry…I am not a great folder.
• mopping….never quite got the hang of it.
• sympathy…doesn’t always come easy.

Ok….enough therapy for today. I’m just saying, a lot of the time I worry about what people think and say about me. SO…. if I state all the “not so strong ” parts of my personality myself, then, I have nothing to fear.

 I took yesterday off. I had to process my birthday. It was just so good. And not a man made good, it was man made normal and GOD GOOOOD. I felt so loved ,from the time I woke up, until the time I went to bed. The kids made me the greatest cards, the Butcher went out of his way to make sure that I didn’t have to lift a finger to do anything, Myrhh (aka Erin) drove in from Charlotte, to take me to lunch, and Freckles gave me an unexpected gift, Shanah made my birthday cake (which was delightful), my family came over and shared in my celebration…it was loud and busy and altogether wonderful.

                            The Lord also gave me a gift, he planted a seed in my heart for the future. A seed, that will change my story…thats just the way he is, I am thinking botox, and he is thinking fresh wind and rain clouds. I will keep you posted on this seed, it is young and tender, and I am nurturing it right now.

                                         You took my heart, called lovely, and you broke it in two.

                                            you broke it, until it looked like you.

                                             you took my love, called lonely, and you stretched it

                                               you stretched it until it reached…you.

I love my mom. I’m talking about real love. In my 12 years of life I have never seen such a beautiful woman. She cooks, cleans, runs a store, and still finds time to love on us. If she tells me that anyone was mean to her today, I will find you. Love you my little Angie!

   For those of you who followed my link to Victoria Martinsen and prayed for her and her family,thank you. She walked into the arms of the Lord yesterday afternoon.  Half of her life she fought this battle against cancer, and along the way, changed my life and countless others. She was an ambassador in every sense of the word. She never gave up and she never gave in. Her spirit man was in top fighting shape. I will never forget the spunk that she was so willing to share.

                       My urgency to pray for her family has never been stronger, so if you feel it too, join me. Its a new day for them, a whole new life. They have 2 little boys that can’t remeber a time when there was no sickness. They will have to readjust to life. So, pray today for SUPERNATURAL blessings, and grace to get through. http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/victoriamartinsen you can go hear and read the beautiful words that her mom has written about her. I am not going to be sad today, but I am not going to forget either. love each other today.

 I love the month of November ! It means my birthday, and Thanksgiving . Every year I say to myself,”self, slow down and enjoy this !” And every year it flies by, as I prepare for Christmas and Z’s birthday(jan 5). How do I do it this year ? How can I get the most out of my November ?

               Here is my idea, prepare yourself ,it is contrary to yesterdays blog when I declared the public in general ,was on my nerves…. I am going to challenge myself to do fun stuff with family and friends. Old friends and new. Last night was Halloween and we basically invited ourselves over to a friend of Isaiah’s house. His name is Max, and we think he is great. Max just happens to belong to great parents and have an adorable sister Adam’s age. And don’t forget Gran, Max has a grandmother called Gran who is also adorable. SO….we invited ourselves to their house for All HALLOWS EVE, and they graciously entertained us and cooked for us ! A fun time was had by all. I felt victorious over this old spirit of isolation that hangs around me. GO ME ! So, Octobers challenge of not eating out is over (it was hard but good). And Novembers challenge is……spending time with family and friends, old and new. I want spur of the moment get togethers, and kids playing, I want bon-fires and cookouts, I want happy memories and good times, Ultimately….I want the joy of the Lord to fall down this November.If you can help me with this and you like a challenge, BRING IT ON.

           I don’t know if anyone reads this blog, but man, do I enjoy writing it. Not as much as I enjoy writing bits of songs on scraps of paper, but I still like it a lot. Its an outlet, at a time when I feel like the Lord is setting me apart for teaching.

                   I have been feeling alone, but I know that I am not. I can feel him. Even in my venting, and my frustration, I do not go with out him.  He covers and uncovers me as he sees fit.

        Makes me sort of mad that I even WANT human companionship. I want to want him and I need to need him, I love to love him, and yeah sometimes I beg him to beg me. (somebody should write a song like that :))

                SOMETHING is going on with me. I don’t know what, and to tell you the truth…thats ok. I am an open book, sometimes too open. The good thing about this blog is that, it is mine, and I can be  as honest as I want on it.

                 So here is my truth today…

• people, in general are on my nerves
• i am being convicted right now for the truth listed above.
• my house is not clean, but my hair is.
• i love my kids enough to both kill, and/or die for them.
• I hate it when the Butcher leaves trash in my car
• the above listed truth leads me to sin
• i go from bothered to irate in about 30 seconds
• the above listed truth leads me to sin and repent
• I am sick of politics
• i am sick of fake people
• fake bubbies are ok with me, but not a fake heart
• I have never committed to a hairdresser
• nothing on earth makes me feel like I do when I am worshipping the Lord. nothing.
• Nothing breaks my heart or causes me more insecurities than worshipping the Lord.
• I hate the truth listed above.
•  I can’t stand to be decieved, and yet, I let the enemy do it to me on a daily basis.
• If I love you, I love you.
• I want to love more people
• I don’t.

      Some people are just plain passive-aggressive.  I just want the truth, honesty, the real deal, and the bottom line. Get over yourself.  SAy what you mean and mean what you say. Be responsible for your actions and I will be responsible for mine.

   I have blogged about Victoria Martinsen before, she is a 6 year old that lives in Fort Mill, SC and goes to MorningStar. She has had an epic battle with cancer. Three years it has lasted. I had the pleasure of meeting Victoria and her family, and volunteering for them when I lived there. She is a feisty little thing, I was supposed to be doing Laundry and taking care of her little brother, but Victoria wanted to talk to me and tell me how to do things. She really just wanted to see if I would treat her “normal”, I think. And so I did the best I could to to treat this little girl like I wasn’t scared to death for her. By the time I left the Martinsen home that day, I was exhausted mentally and physically. My head was hurting and my heart was hurting. I started praying for her parents that night.( I had been praying for this little girl since BEFORE we ever moved there, she has become a part of our lives now.) My children pray for her every night. Her battle is never far from our minds. Last night, I got the update that I had been dreading. She is in bed, and her body is shutting down, she can’t talk, but she can nod. They are waiting….

                                                     I was upset because, I am a selfish, self involved person, truly, I am. I was mad at the Lord, and mad at myself for feeling that way. But here is what the LORD did for me, for us, this morning….at 7:35 am, I had just dropped my little kids off at school, and the LORD brought Victoria to my mind. I started to pray for her and her family and sadness overtook me again, and then like a light switch was flipped, the LORD showed me, the mayhem, the absolute delightful flurry of action going on in heaven as they prepare for the arrival of the princess ! Take a minute if you need to, I almost wrecked my car, but it was worth it. The people/ angels were blurry, they were moving fast, it was beautiful. You already knew that , what you don’t know, and I didn’t know either, was that there were snowflakes suspended in the air. They looked like the kind you cut out as children, but they were real and they were SUSPENDED over head ! I didn’t get the feeling that they were always there, I felt like they were for Princess Victoria. Jewels of every kind were being laid out for her, too, but the most amazing thing was not the preperations, but the feeling of JOY, that was TOO BIG to describe. It came into my car and settled on me for a second. I know it won’t come through in this writing, but it was as if the LORD was telling and showing me that Victoria was coming to her real home and giving me just a sneak peek at the joy he feels when we come home.

               This is so big to me, I have always been afraid of dying.  So, I am grateful this morning. I am praying that the Lord will send this joy to Victoria’s parents, too. He is our home. Home sweet Home.www.caringbridge.org/visit/victoriamartinsen

 If I am having a mid-life crisis at 35, does that mean that I am only going to live until I am 70 ? Is that how it works ? Sometimes, I want to rub ashes in my hair and wear a sackcloth (that is torn). Those times are not the normal. MOST of the time, I want to look young and beautiful, and like I have just stepped out of Anthropologie. I do not want wrinkles, or gray hairs. Ok? Is that so bad ? I know it is a sin, ahhh vanity . My birthday is rapidly approaching, a week to be exact, and I will be 36. Bloody Hell, ok, thats bad, I have started swearing in british. This could be the dimentia setting in…. Woops…thats not me in that photo. oh well.

 Today I had a voicemail from Erin( my long lost best friend), I put it on speaker and prepared myself for whatever wisdom might be forthcoming. Only, it wasn’t Erin’s voice, it was a man and he was praying. In my minds eye, I could see Erin holding up her phone and crying….I tried and tried to hear what the man was saying, I replayed it 10 times, but I couldn’t get it. So, I waited a little while and texted her…I just HAD to know.

                    Come to find out, they were trying to set some people free over there at MorningStar today ! They were praying for disappointment and hurts that were like weights around peoples necks. I am the queen of disappointment …..too many to name, I’m always looking back, and YES, I know its foolish. ANYWAYS….the man speaking said ” someone here has a friend that needs to be healed and it can happen long-distance, so call her !” And that is what she did ! She called me and she prayed that these weights around my neck would be lifted. There have been choices that I have made that I regret, but then I cling to and I let them rule over me. That is so wrong. There are times when I am so disappointed in my situation, that I forget how GOOOD I have it. That is not ok.I want to be free….free to start over. I know The LORD is moving over me right now. My ears are wide open and I am waiting for him to speak. Call me again LORD.

PS- Ok, I am speaking to you again. I cannot seperate myself from you, but how my heart hurts.