I noticed that someone recently looked up one of my posts, it was called dream squasher. I went back and read it, funny how time changes your perspective. I was told that I was a dream squasher, and I believed it. Tried to change it. The fact is that ,I have a need to feel safe, secure, and taken care of. I am sure that this stems from childhood, duh.  And so ….I hereby take back the admittance that I made previously on this blog, I am not a dream squasher at all, just a girl that needs something to hold onto.

    It has come to my attention that my blog has a lot of ups and downs, highs and lows…..yeah, it does. The reasons are many. For one thing, there is a lot of down right now. We are in the midst of it. The storms of life are raging. Last night I realized that I have to stop praying about the storms, and just wait on the Lord. For another thing, I can’t really say EVERYTHING on here…and so I use this medium as a way to talk through things. Basically, I use it to encourage myself.

           So, when you read what seems like a real downer and it takes your stomach away….its true. When you read me singing and praising, its most likely my spirit calling out the things that aren’t, as if they are. Thats that. I am not depressed, I am waiting. Waiting for the spiritual to take over the natural. In the midst of crap, waiting for the glory of the Lord to fall down on my head, and run down my face , like tears of joy.

  The stone, the mountain, my bank account, my heart….whatever it is, HE can move it. Easter is being sneaky this year, its so early….I haven’t had as much time as I would like to think about it. Lots of different things about Easter touch me, sometimes it is joy mixed with the pain of what Jesus had to endure, well, actually, the pain he CHOSE to endure….for me. For my darkness,my sin. I do believe that on that day all the demons in hell were dancing, lets just call it a premature celebration. I also believe that all of Heaven held its breath as it watched the only perfect thing to ever be, become covered in the shame of all mankind. Was there a moment when the angels doubted ? I don’t know. And what of Mary ? Is it possible that her pain was as great as that of her son’s ? I don’t know. So many things to think about. I am so grateful. Overwhelmed with the amount of love that he gives me. I am often caught off guard by HIM, paying attention to me, and the details in my life. I have a clear picture of him sitting patiently, watching me, as I do the normal things I have to do each day. He waits for the moment that I will turn my face toward Him, look upon him. I have been guilty of letting the enemy keep me from him, the fullness of his love. This Spring, I feel something changing, something new growing. Maybe its an acceptance of who I am, maybe its the knowledge that he sees the best in me, I don’t know. But I think I like it.

Nothing feels easy right now. Nothing feels simple. Even small things feel BIG.  My words and decisions all seem life-threatening, life-changing. My parenting, my marriage, even my friendships, feel a little shaky. I know that I have an instruction booklet in the WORD. Still. How do I do it ? How do I love, like you love ? WHEN ,will I love like you love ? How much longer until you push my flesh aside, and come bursting out ? I am waiting, and I don’t want to stand in your way, but I do. I know that I am being stripped down, broken open, taken to a place ,where I have to draw from you. Doesn’t make it any easier. Doesn’t make me any nicer. 

                            At the core of me, this woman before you…. I want to love you, and be loved by you. I want to give love like you did, and find power in being meek. I don’t think that I am succeeding. I know that you know me, and you love me still. I know that you see me Holy, and call me lovely….but what of them ? My husband ,and my children, my neighbors….how do they see me ? I don’t want to be a failure at this love thing….I need more help. Help me. Send me more instructions please.

 The Butcher has gone to work today. Yes, it’s true that the doctor said to stay off of the foot for a week plus. And yes, its true that it was hurting this morning. But, my husband is a manly man, and he cannot be restricted to this house any longer. It just will not do. He is wild at heart, in a good way. There are things to be done, and he will do them. I love him.

                      I am feeling the end of the fast coming, and although there has been some real crap going on over here, I have been drawn closer to the Lord. In practical ways. HE has had my back on tough days. I can only hope that my face reveals the glory of him, that my countenance has been changed, affected, by his touch.

                     Sing me a song little bird, speak my love out loud

                     sing me a song little bird, lift it high above the ground

                      toils may come, still you sing…..

                    sing me a song little bird, bring your offering

            I am waiting and watching, my hand outstretched

              drawing you closer my little song bird.

Ok, at first it sounded sort of great. The Butcher home with me, laid up, helpless. He would have to have hours of conversation with me, and depend on me for his every need and whim. What was I thinking ? Not great. He is like a crazy man, he is going stir crazy. Maybe tomorrow will be easier, since its supposed to rain. He is trying to spend the time thinking. About all sorts of things….our life, our finances, God as provider, family relationships….sounds good until you actually TRY to do it, and then you lay there in your invalid state, and let all the things that you can’t change overwhelm you. Maybe tomorrow, we will play yahtzee !

                 We did find out that he has a couple of jobs when he recovers, so that is good. God is leading us ,blindfolded, into each new day. We are shuffling our feet, and stumbling, but we are following.

Last night I cooked the first dinner in our new home. We have actually been in for a week, but did not get the oven in until Friday night. I was feeling good, domestic…even. I thought I heard singing outside ,where the Butcher and Adam were playing basketball. I kept on fooling around in the kitchen, determined not to burn anything. It was only a minute later when Adam came flying in the door,”MOM, Dad is hurt, come QUICK !” Not what you want to hear. Upon running out, I found my husband on the ground in incredible pain. He was sure that he had a broken ankle. That singing I had heard…not so much, more like howling. He described the sound that he heard as he turned the ankle, popping ,cracking, and crunching. It wasn’t breakfast cereal people, it was his ankle, and that’s not good.

                      We all prayed for healing, the pastor of our church called and prayed over the phone. We decided to give it until morning, before going in for the x-ray. By the morning, it was huge and purple. We were sure that it was broken, he could not stand on it all. We had Dr. Ben come over and pray with us after church. It was a good prayer time, started out asking for a creative miracle in the ligaments ,and bone, of the Butcher’s ankle, but ended up praying for the heart of the matter. Somehow, the heart is always at the heart of it. And for that, I am grateful.

           We got the x-ray…..NOT BROKEN !!!! From the look of it, we were sure that it was. NOT BROKEN, NO SURGERY !! So relieved. Thomas will have to be off of it for at least a week….he tore all of the ligaments, severe damage, but NOT BROKEN. This had been our prayer. And now we pray for supernatural recovery. And supernatural faith that the Lord will provide while Thomas cannot, that’s where the heart comes in. Sometimes you are sitting around, covering yourself up in your circumstances, when something happens that puts your eyes back on the prize….Jesus.  The prize, the reward….the one we’re running for.

   Yesterday was unusual. I had an audition for a television commercial. It’s really just the possibility of a commercial, but still…out of the box, for me. So many thoughts went through my head, as I prepared. Some good, some bad. When it came right down to it, I did it ! I was scared and mostly of being bad at it. I think I was pretty good. And the Lord used it to show me that there are things that I can do, places that I can reach, corners of my personality…that are still waiting, still sleeping. He is breathing on me, HE is waking me up. Exciting me, seducing me, romancing me….again, and still.

I get annoyed when people ask if the kids are playing soccer, or piano, or taking some other random lesson. Yeah, I know….not good.  But the fact is …sometimes, its enough…to just be, to just get the school projects done, to eat as a family, to pray at bed time, to look each one of them in the eyes for a few minutes each day. We are a big family, and sometimes its just enough to be that…a family. Thats it. Just a little morsel to snack on, and now I am back to work, putting this new house together for my family.

   As you can imagine the days over here have been FULL. We started packing on wednesday, my sister had her baby on thursday( I will post a picture soon, his name is Ezra, and he is beautiful), more packing on friday, and saturday…we moved in. O M Goodness !  So, I thought I would compile a little list of the things that we are missing, and the things that we are…not.

• we are missing an oven, however, we are not missing any meals !
• we are missing a dishwasher (the Butcher and I, have been taking turns )
• we are missing doorknobs, but the kids are not missing creativity, they have created their own doorknobs out of random objects.
• we are missing the covers that go over all of the vents, but we are not missing HEAT !
• we are missing a powder room mirror, but thankfully, that bathroom DOES have a door !

When it comes right down to it, we aren’t missing much. We are enjoying the new house thoroughly. We have each other, we have great friends who helped get us in here. I mean really, true blue. In love with you all, you are always there when we need you. Thanks. The kids are at the neighbors house playing now, and I am swept away in a wave of emotion, and grattitude for today.  I am praying for the Weir family, they lost their daughter in a car accident this weekend. I will be unpacking, and find myself praying again for the peace ,that I know they need. It has rocked my attitude, and I am humbled. Enjoy the snow, live in the present….peace.