Fear. of the unknown, and fear of the future. Fear of failure. Fear of sickness and disease, pain and pride. Only LOVE can soothe this beast. True LOVE. Agape love….the love that that was willing to lay down his life.  I am just a girl, and I am swimming in my flesh (stolen from sean), I am afraid, but HE is…..LOVE. Love that is bigger than life, and stronger than death.  I am reminded of that with every single breathe.

                Waxing poetic tonight. Lots going on, will update soon. until then….feed your heart…..with LOVE.

    Started out rough. Decided to escape to the pool, let the kids play, while I questioned the Lord about his plans….Just to find out that our dear friends the Littlesons had come from Charlotte to surprise us at Grill 33. SURPRISE !! I wasn’t there. But I got there as fast as I could. Somehow, those friends are like water to my soul, and I was so thirsty ! It was brief, but good. The kids insisted we stay at the restaurant long after the Liitlesons had gone. Just being there makes them feel like they are WITH the Butcher. They miss him so much. So do I. He has been my best friend for so long, that its just hard to spend so much apart, not used to it yet.

                                      You are my Prince of Peace, when theres no peace around, and you are my hope, when hope just can’t be found.

                                              I’m turning my heart toward your heart, and turning my thoughts to you

                                                 I’ m putting my eyes on my prize…..and my trust in your plan, I am turning my heart toward yours,

                                                   and  finding myself in …your hand.

 We are feeling the winds of change. The Butcher is at the restaurant, what feels like 24/7, and I miss him. The kids miss him too. This is life right now. Never been like this before. I’ve been spoiled. Isaiah is doing great with the change in his eating habits ( gluten/dairy free) WAY better than I expected. It’s not easy, and I am eagerly awaiting the lengthy report from our doctor. But I have seen a change in him, he is more PRESENT, and I love that. 

           I spend a lot of my time  wondering…what’s next ? We are ENGULFED in surviving right now, day to day. I am reminding myself that, the joy of the Lord is strength…..strength to stand, strength to smile, strength to dance, and strength to face each new thing that comes my way.  Ok, that’s it for now. Go to Grill 33…..it is awesome ! I’m not just saying that because the Butcher is running the place….its true.

  I am sorry that its been so long. Sometimes life gets in the way. School is out, the Butcher is opening Grill 33( downtown, across from the Hyatt), and in general….we are nutty ! Isaiah had his first trip to the Holistic Nutritionalist, and it went well. Very informative. He has recommended that we take Isaiah off of wheat/ gluten, and dairy, and limit his refined sugar to as little as possible. Sounds fun, right ? Isaiah has been doing great, I ,on the other hand, like to stress out over problems that haven’t even happened yet, like  ….can we ever go out to eat again ??? Anyways, this is a piece of the puzzle. We will know more in a couple of weeks…..In other news, we are ALMOST done painting. I LOVE the color ! Its the perfect dusty gray blue…warm ,and refreshing at the same time. Looks so good in our craftsmen style house. When we are totally done, I will post pics !

                           Back to Isaiah. The thing that has really struck me in all this gluten free madness, is that although we haven’t been at it long enough to make a difference in his behaviour, he has made a real turn around. What I know is that he will take any fresh start that he can get, just like me with the paint…..He doesn’t WANT to have a behavior problem, or issue. He wants to be the same as everyone else. He’s not. He is extraordinary……and that’s not always easy.

I was thinking of painting all the walls downstairs white. What say you about this ?

  I have always been afraid of that looking undone, but I am ALMOST done with worrying what other people think about my space. SO….what do you think ? I said, I was almost done, didn’t I ?

ok. He is asleep. Gone is the yelling, hissing, biting boy from this morning, and in his place, my sweet , snuggly son, the one that rubs my head when I lay down with him. 

          Today was hard. I am fried. I tried to call a couple of friends, but hung up before they answered. I didn’t even have the energy to explain the goings on over here.  We started our day out with Isaiah unwilling to get up out of bed. That isn’t altogether unusual, but between the Butcher, and I we can usually karate chop, pray, giggle, beg….him out of bed. Not today. Thomas tried, and then I went up. Isaiah had a brand new tactic….silence. He laid in the bed in silence, staring into space. Meanwhile, the other kids, ate breakfast, brushed their teeth, and got dressed. Thomas took Belle, and I thought maybe Z would come around while he was gone. NOPE. Instead, he came down and demanded to play a video game. We said no. NO SCHOOL, NO FUN ! That is the rule. He lost it. He was screaming, hysterical, and then pleading and pitiful. The worst came when Thomas had to leave, Isaiah tried his best to get out the door. I ended up, holding him down. Not the way I want to start my day, or end my day….or do at all.  We struggled through the day together, but I can’t shake the despair that I feel. It is uncertainty, and exhaustion. I realized that for over 4 years, I wake up thinking about Isaiah, and go to bed thinking about Isaiah. Trying to figure him out, how to parent him, how to discipline him…how to love him. It consumes me.

               There are days when everything is fine, and I praise the Lord for those days, but lately, its been worse. Isaiah can’t sit still, he CANNOT take no for an answer, and when he gets something on his mind, it sort of gets stuck, and he will go on and on and on about it. I have tons of initials swirling around in my head…..O.D.D and ADHD, childhood depression, aspergers….I need answers. I don’t want to live so tired. I am tired to the bone, from the battle. I love him so much, and its just not a neat, tidy package, this love, its …..messy. Yeah, its a messy life, and a messy love.

  Last night at bed time, Isaiah wanted to try and see Jesus again, and who am I to deny him ?? So, we prayed, and I started out saying ok, now visualize the Lord, maybe he is sitting under a tree….Isaiah said, “no, I got it( meaning, stop talking mom). And he took it from there. I lay there with my eyes closed, totally engulfed in his vision. Isaiah said,” we are on a basketball court, and there is a game going on, Jesus is there and he is wearing a jersey with a big cross on it, his basketball shoes have crosses on them too ! He always gets the ball, but he won’t shoot it, he always passes it mom…So, I say, ok, the game is over, you make your way through the team and fans, all high fiving…. to find Jesus, what does he say to you ? ( that is the point of this, to get a word from the Lord) And Isaiah says,” he picks me up and hugs and kisses me !” Well, in my mind, I saw it all very clearly. Isaiah is small compared to Jesus, and when he makes his way over to him, Jesus has a look on his face that says,” I was waiting for you “, He scoops up my baby, and he holds him so tight, and kisses his face.  It really meant so much to me. I think all of the time about Isaiah, his behaviour, his emotional issues, and I spend a lot of the time questioning whether or not, I am doing right by him. This vision from the Lord gave me some peace, and made me understand that I am not the only one looking out for my son. He is one of the favorite ones !

  How long will it take for me to understand that there is a whole wide world happening around me ? The things that cause me stumble, or just stop and think for a minute….the trials, the struggles, they aren’t just mine. We all have them. My best friend said to me yesterday that things are being SHAKEN everywhere. What can be shaken….will be. Good to know, what a relief, I thought it was just me. Turns out, its the whole world.  Problem is, I am self-absorbed. Its a sin, I know….I just have a hard time seeing out of my own little world. I am trying. And crying, but mainly trying.

ps. And to my BFF….it was good talking to you. you change my attitude, just by being you.

     With Mother’s Day so close I can’t help but think about the dynamics between moms and daughters. I guess because, I am both. And both positions are hard. Women are complex…..you are familiar with Eve, right??? Since the beginning of time, there has been a desire to know more than we should….to control and manipulate, more than we should. We don’t live under the curse anymore, but it takes daily discipline to break old habits.

               I love my mom. But, it wasn’t until I had kids of my own, that I stopped to think about the way that my actions affected her when I was growing up….all I could see was how HER actions affected ME.  Selfish, but normal. How do we go about the business of raising abnormal kids ? Specifically daughters….how do we get through the thick layer of world that they wear ? I don’t know, I am still working on it.  What I do know? Well, it was my mother’s love for me that got me through, until I believed and recieved my FATHER’S love for me. And that changed everything. Aha…I have answered my own question…we love them as best we can until they recognize the one who IS Love. Easier said, than done.