ok. He is asleep. Gone is the yelling, hissing, biting boy from this morning, and in his place, my sweet , snuggly son, the one that rubs my head when I lay down with him.
Today was hard. I am fried. I tried to call a couple of friends, but hung up before they answered. I didn’t even have the energy to explain the goings on over here. We started our day out with Isaiah unwilling to get up out of bed. That isn’t altogether unusual, but between the Butcher, and I we can usually karate chop, pray, giggle, beg….him out of bed. Not today. Thomas tried, and then I went up. Isaiah had a brand new tactic….silence. He laid in the bed in silence, staring into space. Meanwhile, the other kids, ate breakfast, brushed their teeth, and got dressed. Thomas took Belle, and I thought maybe Z would come around while he was gone. NOPE. Instead, he came down and demanded to play a video game. We said no. NO SCHOOL, NO FUN ! That is the rule. He lost it. He was screaming, hysterical, and then pleading and pitiful. The worst came when Thomas had to leave, Isaiah tried his best to get out the door. I ended up, holding him down. Not the way I want to start my day, or end my day….or do at all. We struggled through the day together, but I can’t shake the despair that I feel. It is uncertainty, and exhaustion. I realized that for over 4 years, I wake up thinking about Isaiah, and go to bed thinking about Isaiah. Trying to figure him out, how to parent him, how to discipline him…how to love him. It consumes me.
There are days when everything is fine, and I praise the Lord for those days, but lately, its been worse. Isaiah can’t sit still, he CANNOT take no for an answer, and when he gets something on his mind, it sort of gets stuck, and he will go on and on and on about it. I have tons of initials swirling around in my head…..O.D.D and ADHD, childhood depression, aspergers….I need answers. I don’t want to live so tired. I am tired to the bone, from the battle. I love him so much, and its just not a neat, tidy package, this love, its …..messy. Yeah, its a messy life, and a messy love.