When it feels like I don’t have anything left, I have a promise. And when it feels like there is no Kingdom to be found, I have a prince. Things around here change so fast. I can be having a lovely conversation with someone, and fifteen minutes later, want to jump out of a moving car. That doesnt seem right.  Yesterday Isaiah screamed at me with his nose touching mine, and his breath( the very same breathe that I would long to feel at night when he was a baby) on my face. He blew up, and I have to say, its like a bomb going off in my heart….gray ash covers everything in the house, and its as if I’m blind. I turn from a normal mom, into a maniac, who is without logical thought.  Looking back now, it all seems really clear, the things that are required of me, the calmness that is so important for him, and the other kids, but in that moment….NOTHING is clear. I want to run….and then I come back to a more realistic state of mind, Isaiah eventually calms down, and the exhaustion sets in….maybe its a phase( i hear that a lot) well, its a long ass phase. Yeah, the a word. Sometimes, it just fits.

                      Lord I am asking for me, and any other mom, who might feel like I do….like running. I ask that you would gently remind us to run to you. Even now, in my heart, a little tattered from the day, I am running into the arms of your love. You are truly my prince of peace, even when I am blind, my heart can see that. You are the only promise that I need. You are enough. I will keep saying it, praying it, singing it….until you return.

     Its a harder job than I thought. Parenting. Mothering….watching without hovering, listening without always answering. There is no way that I could do it without the Lord, no way. I am gearing myself up for the afternoon. Homework has to be done before soccer, and my hope is in you Lord. MY hope is built on nothing less than your riteousness, and my heart is full because you love me.

What is it with women ? Why the lack of contentment ? Only after a long conversation with my best friend this morning, did I realize a few things. First, we need to figure out the difference between what WE think we were born to do, and what GOD actually created us to do, resolve the dissonance, if you will…..turn the un-melodic back into what is supposed to be the melody that Abba has written just for us. And then, we need to remember to KEEP GOING. We start new things on a daily basis as children, and then we start new things as wives, and then mothers….its progress, its moving…starting again , and again. I have to figure out what my melody is, and then I need to START, knowing good and well, there will be failures….but to fail is to try. So maybe contentment isn’t exactly what we think it is…maybe, its STARTING….again.

 Praying for the Lord to unbrand Isabelle today, really, I was praying that she would REMAIN unbranded. My heart is moved by the fact that so many little girls from the ages of 8 to 12, insist on wearing Abercrombie, and Hollister clothes. Moved to tears. I understand it. I have seen the ads, and I know that they are powerful in our kids’ eyes, so powerful, in fact that eating disorders are starting earlier and earlier, as our daughters try to fit themselves into the mold that these giant companies say is beautiful.

         It is hard for me, I fought tooth and nail to get Sidney to understand modesty from an early age, I sheltered her, and protected her….it just did not work. I spent a lot of the time talking about what NOT to do, and I regret it now. I am great at heaping guilt on myself , and really trying not to. I am trying a different approach with Isabelle, every child is different, and I believe that as parents, we learn different lessons with each one. I pray that Isabelle has an open heart always to the voice of God, and a soft heart towards the voice of her mom. My ideas about modesty have not changed, I have no intention of letting the world’s voice drown me out, I know her worth, and I tell her everyday.

  It has come to my attention that 1 out of 4 couples sleep in seperate rooms. There are tons of reasons, snoring, insomnia….back pain….on and on. I  am becoming aware of just how blessed I am, in my marriage. The Butcher and I are in love with each other. More now, than we were when we got married. Maybe because we know each other better. Not really sure. What I do know is that, at night when I lay down in my crisp, cool sheets, with him there waiting to snuggle me, or rub my head if it aches…its my favorite time of day.  I am thankful that there are no circumstances that put us in seperate rooms. So thankful. Thats all, just a little food for thought today.

  I want to be updated. Its going to be FALL ! So happy, it comes every year, and Every year, I can’t wait.  I have written a new PASSION FOR FASHION page, so please enjoy. But I hope that you will consider updating some of your self too, and not just your wardrobe. We all have room for improvement. I think that I have already started this. I was calling it a renewal, and a reposession, but upon digging in a little more, I think its an update ! So, go on Papa….start the download, reveal to me MORE changes that I can make to be better. Even more, even now.

  Busy weekend …done. Fun had….check. Recovery….in process.

          Had a feeling that we would have a problem with Isaiah this morning, and so we went to bed last night praying. I have never felt such peace…not that I was sure that he would go to school without a fight, that wasn’t the reason for the peace. It was more that I prayed what I was SUPPOSED to pray. I prayed for Isaiah’s spirit to come forward, to walk ahead, go before his flesh. That part of him that says no, I don’t want to go, and I have a million reasons as to why I should stay home. I went to sleep knowing, that no matter what happened this morning, the LORD had my back. And Isaiah went to school without any complications. I am happy about that, but overwrought with joy, that I have a clear picture of what to pray for my kids….the spirit is there, they know the Lord, and recognize his voice, they just have to let their SPIRITS lead. We all do.  Follow the leader people, I am so much nicer when my spirit is in the driver’s seat . Amen. You know what you have to do.

P.S. here is a photo of the afore mentioned fun….disco is groovy baby !

    I just read that women rotate their friendships every seven years, or so.  Mostly due to changes in location, job, status…children, you know….life.  I find this very sad. Although, I am not as close as I would like to be to some of my friends, I am hanging on for dear life. I welcome the opportunity to make new friends, I feel like I reach out, but the older you get, the harder it seems. Maybe, we are just set in our ways. Sometimes I am overwhelmed by the strength it takes to keep a friendship together, and other days, I am flabbergasted by the fact that you can meet someone, and have an instant connection. Either way, it takes work. Just like a marriage. So, if you are feeling itchy….try to stick it out a little longer, there is strength in KNOWING someone, there is power in seeing each other through hard times. Never underestimate the power of a real friend. Honesty, nudity of the soul….thats what it is all about. night.

   I heard something this morning that struck a chord….formerly young. Not old, but not young. Hmmm. Like a 36 year old tween. I would say that in the last year I REALLY started realizing that, I am not young. At first , this was a hard thing, a sad thing. And there were questions, like….what is the right swimsuit for me? how skinny can my jeans be? what do I do about my arms? All vain , I know. But I am seeing the light, not only am I formerly young, but I am also…..formerly foolish, formerly impulsive, formerly fearful….I am learning that you have to be on the OTHER side of young to really know who you are. I’m not there yet….I’m not old enough. There are a few things going for us formerly young women….. I know what I WANT, I know who I LOVE, and who loves ME, I can see around corners(meaning, I have foresight, that comes with experience, thank GOD). I know that right is better than wrong, ( a fact that eludes most young people), and that family is important. I don’t know EVERYTHING, and I don’t like my laugh lines, but I am not going to stop laughing. And truthfully( and I am embarrassed to say), I think , I am getting hotter. There, I said it. Maybe not in the same way as a 25 year old, who hasn’t yet had the pleasure of growing 3 people inside her, but in a more substantial way. WoW. I like being confident, if this comes with age…..BRING IT ON !  Have a great day !

Ps. Thats me in the middle of two super hot, super smart….formerly young women ! Loving Life, and the ONE who gives life !

   Yep. Back to school. I am so full of faith and hope for this year. And so is Isaiah. He insisted on getting up at 6 am….he was showered and eating when I got up at 6:20. Go figure. He said, I asked the Lord for a word, but I didnt get one, thats ok mom. Yes, thats ok son. Last night Adam got a word for the new year….FRESH. I was excited about this word, the definition is something that you have never encountered. YES ! Thats what we need. It has been a good summer, a gluten/dairy free summer, and Isaiah has grown a lot. There have been bumps, but the good far outweighs the bad.

Then there is BELLE !! She is so excited to be a fifth grader, top of the foodchain. I can’t believe it. She is going to have a wonderful year, so many good things ahead of her….her heart is wide open, and she is ready. Am I ? I’m getting there.                            

Adam. Seventh grade. manchild. love. mystery. funny…..fresh. something I have never encountered before.

  It started out as a crab habitat. They worked so hard on it, Belle forming the crab condos, and Z gathering the crabs, big and small. Eventually there would be a Sean and a Kat, and a baby Jordan. There was Amy, Jay, Annalee, Jude, and a tiny Ezra…funny ? Yeah…I laughed too. They took so much time and care creating this habitat for these crabs. I stopped laughing, and became….amazed. Awestruck, at the way they cared, tirelessly working in the sun….never getting bored, or weary. Hmmmm. Sounds familiar. I recognize that kind of care. ABBA….I recognize you….. …in my kids. Feels good.

                 I have a habitat here for my kids. I clean it, and I make it comfortable to live in. But what of my heart ? Is it a nice dwelling place for the one who lives there ? Maybe its time to clean out again. Get rid of the doubts, and the questions, and let HIM love me closer to him. He holds all my appointments, and he carries my treasures, this is what I know. Now what do I DO? Ok LORD, I am leaning into you. Convictions, contradictions, fears, and follies…..I am leaning into you.