When it feels like I don’t have anything left, I have a promise. And when it feels like there is no Kingdom to be found, I have a prince. Things around here change so fast. I can be having a lovely conversation with someone, and fifteen minutes later, want to jump out of a moving car. That doesnt seem right. Yesterday Isaiah screamed at me with his nose touching mine, and his breath( the very same breathe that I would long to feel at night when he was a baby) on my face. He blew up, and I have to say, its like a bomb going off in my heart….gray ash covers everything in the house, and its as if I’m blind. I turn from a normal mom, into a maniac, who is without logical thought. Looking back now, it all seems really clear, the things that are required of me, the calmness that is so important for him, and the other kids, but in that moment….NOTHING is clear. I want to run….and then I come back to a more realistic state of mind, Isaiah eventually calms down, and the exhaustion sets in….maybe its a phase( i hear that a lot) well, its a long ass phase. Yeah, the a word. Sometimes, it just fits.
Lord I am asking for me, and any other mom, who might feel like I do….like running. I ask that you would gently remind us to run to you. Even now, in my heart, a little tattered from the day, I am running into the arms of your love. You are truly my prince of peace, even when I am blind, my heart can see that. You are the only promise that I need. You are enough. I will keep saying it, praying it, singing it….until you return.
Its a harder job than I thought. Parenting. Mothering….watching without hovering, listening without always answering. There is no way that I could do it without the Lord, no way. I am gearing myself up for the afternoon. Homework has to be done before soccer, and my hope is in you Lord. MY hope is built on nothing less than your riteousness, and my heart is full because you love me.