woke up to sunny skies, next thing I knew it was pouring down rain. And then the sun was back, although the clouds had a threatening air about them, it has turned out beautiful.

It’s a picture of life around here, too.  Everything starts out so simple….but there is an underlying storm. At times, it’s pretty far from making landfall, at other times it swirls close enough to cause an evacuation. My evacuation, that is. I could be talking about any number of storms in my atmosphere, but today, right now I am talking about Isaiah. He can wreck me. It’s not his intention, but many times, it is the outcome. I run. My flesh runs…it is so hard not to jump in my bed and cover up, block out the things that I don’t know how to fix.  I can only sit, and be still. I can listen for the words that bring comfort….sometimes they come, sometimes…they don’t. Today, there was comfort in the line of a song I happened upon. ” daylight is coming home, like a prodigal son that’s been gone for so long “.  I  was reminded , all is not lost. We all struggle, the question is, how do we recover ?

     There are times in life (my life,  at least) where every woman needs star spangled underwear. My friend Cynthia gave me the gift of understanding this concept. It’s not about being the perfect mom, or wife….wonder woman. It’s about utilizing the gifts that I have been given to get through my daily tasks with JOY !  And so , I will put on the cape, the boots, the cuffs and  the crown …for glamour, and the star spangled underwear, in the flattering brief cut.  Tomorrow is another day.  I can do this. The joy starts to bubble up every time Cynthia calls me, ” wonder wirthlin” . I have yet to come up with a name that is powerful enough to describe this super-hero friend of mine. So, until then ….we will bump fists , and leap over buildings, we will prepare lunches, support husbands, find  glasses, and love children with all our might. goodnight.

How many first days of school will I write about here ? I don’t know. Don’t need to know either. It was a good one. Prayers answered, friends made, lunches eaten. It is well with my soul. But what about my spirit, what of her ? She has been growing, and with that growth comes the pulling, the whispering….dare I say, the nagging ? Are spirits supposed to nag? Well, mine does. There are several women with whom my spirit wants me to connect. HOWEVER, my soul is anti- connection. What to do ? It’s quite the dilemma.  There are fights to be pursued, jokes to be told, and life stories to tell. There is a tribe out there , just waiting for me. Lie- I have nothing to offer, just another broken person, wanting to feel better. Truth- HE picked me up from nothing, brought the dead in me back to life, and last, but not least, I have a TESTIMONY. It’s mine, and mine alone.  We will overcome by the blood of the lamb, and the word of our testimony….RIGHT?  My soul shut my mouth, but my spirit is winning this arm wrestling match. More to come.

We run from it, we are scared to death of it….Freedom is our word of choice. Shake it up in your mind, look at this thing from a different direction for a minute. Tonight I am sitting here, and the only thing on my mind is the word… captivity. Living in it, loving because of it, running toward it. I am praying that the Lord will capture my son’s heart… again. It’s so hard to be an almost 14 year old. But I know that no amount of testimony from me, no SPIRIT speech, no demanding is going to work. There is only one thing that will. The Lord has to take him captive. Captivate his heart, as well as his mind. Mesmerize him with the mystery of those things that are so deep, we will never fully know them. My son likes a challenge, living a life of love, is certainly that. And so tonight, I will ask over and over…..for real Lord, take his heart captive. Freedom is overrated, if you are not in it.

How is it that you can be married for almost 16 years, and STILL be getting to know each other ? Could it have anything to do with the fact that it takes a good bit of time to know YOURSELF ? How about the almost impossible skill of giving another person your whole heart ? Yeah, thats it.  Loving your spouse in a way that brings out the best in them…the fullness of them, and who they were created to be, is a learned skill, and first you have to lay down your whole heart.

The butcher and I are figuring this out. It may take the rest of our lives, but that is ok….we have time. I want his WHOLE heart, he thinks he gives it…he wants my WHOLE heart, and I (up until this past week) was CONVINCED that I was giving it.  WRONG. If that were true, would we still be having the same fight after 16 years ? There is so much more to give. As we open up our hearts, each new layer reveals a new thing. A new wound, or a new strength…maybe some hardened scar tissue…whatever, it is more to learn. It is another opportunity to love and be loved in a whole hearted kind of way.  Love that lasts a lifetime, is going to take a lifetime…. and then some to figure out.

 I heard a phrase the other day  that I have adopted, and adapted for me and mine. Its a sort of song/prayer. You can take it, and make it yours too.

                      Walk around my house Lord, walk around this house. Walk around my husband today Lord, walk around my kids. Change the atmosphere for them, walk around this house. Let it be known that you own EVERYTHING, and EVERYONE inside it, as you walk around this house, my house. Walk around my bank account, walk around this house. Walk around my friendships Lord, walk around this house.

Walk around Isaiah today Lord, give him PEACE in his mind, and in his body. Feed his little lion spirit with one of those little baby animal bottles, give him what he needs to grow. Walk around my baby Lord.

 Walk around Isabelle, walk around my girl. Ring around the rosie Lord, she is still a little girl. Play with her spirit today like only you can. Walk around.

 Walk around Adam today Lord, and let him catch a glimpse of you doing it. He needs reassurance that you are here. Walk around him, surround him, settle down, hunker down for a while, and let him in on your secrets.  Tell him that you can trust him.

  And Lord….walk around Sidney today. As you walk , wrap her in your love. Go around her , walk around her, time and time again, until she is in a cocoon of your love for her.  Whisper to her what she is worth  to you, the way you treasure her. Walk around. Hang around.

  Spent a few days away. It was not restful. It was more like mouth to mouth, and chest compressions, and even a few electric shocks with the paddles….all in a good way. I was slightly in a coma, but I am awake now. I went to a womens conference at MorningStar, it was called, simply….Bloom. And that is what I am doing.

            On Thursday morning I settled myself into a seat , and looked out over the sea of faces that surrounded me. They were old, and young, married, and single, sick, and healthy. They were fashionable, and not. They were mothers, daughters, sisters, and friends. They had thousands of different stories. They all had something in common that became more evident as the day went on. Their faces….they were SHINY. I had the distinct impression, as the conference started, that these women around me were eager. They waited for the worship leader to tune her guitar, and the vision of deer panting for water comes to mind. I wrote this in my notes…..the ladies are standing at the ready, their weapons of choice…banners, flags, scarves, and swirly ribbons.  I can hear a chorus of yeses, it is coming from their spirits, without a word. He has come for them, for me. And yes, is the only thing we can say.

          I am still deciding HOW to share what I came away with, but here are a few tidbits to nibble on.

• God does not need ME to be impressive.
• All that matters is LOVING WELL. really. thats it.
• my spirit and soul are two different things, and I can call them into alignment, with the spirit leading. wow. read that one again.
• I am through taking myself so seriously.
• time is NOT running out. not for me, not for my kids. I have eternal time on my side.
• My Father created every part of me, every quirk, and even my neurosis.figure that out. He adores every part.
• I have said goodbye to parts of me that the Father created, just because I believed that they would not be beneficial to me in my CHRISTIAN life. They have been mine all along, and I am going to find them, and welcome them home like a prodigal.
• burn out comes from trying to do spiritual things with your SOUL. Aha.

Thats all for now. I will go into more detail about a few of these later. There is so much more. I filled a notebook, and dried up a pen.

                       For now, I am blessing my spirit. She is little, and the last few years she has been neglected. I am telling her what her Father says about her, she is waking up. Sometimes, what we think is freedom binds our hands, and hearts, and keeps a gag in our mouths. Everything is upside down where my Father is concerned. He is drawn to brokeness, and makes us strong when we are at our weakest.

   Even though it started out with Belle and Z fighting, harsh words, and hatefulness. And that , of course, lead to lion-boy REFUSING to get out of the car at school.

              It wasn’t the WORST day ever….

   Even when Z fought to go to work with Thomas, wrapped around his leg like a vine, and somehow I am the one worse for the wear. Punches thrown, and heartbreaking words sewn….into the seams of my heart….

               It wasn’t the WORST day ever…

   Even though, I heard myself say, NO FIELD DAY, and then cried for the memories being taken away….

                    It wasn’t the WORST day ever…..

     Lion-boy is here, and so am I. He is reading in his bed, todays battle forgotten.

                He wants kisses, and redemption….I want his little lion hands in my hair, the anger from this morning gone. And so , he and I are in agreement now….bedtime songs, and sweet distraction….It WAS NOT, the worst day ever.

The day started out good. Lion-boy had to get his 95.00 custom earplugs made. I know they will be worth it, he loves to be in the water, and we have been in a battle with his ears since he was one. That was fun, and interesting. And then I drove him to school, after the appt. THAT was not fun, or interesting. His stomach hurt, and he wouldn’t get out. Ok. This was not my first rodeo, I drove him home, told him to go to bed, and get his tummy better. No school, No t.v….particularly true if mom KNOWS that you could, and should be in school. So there. Easy, right ? WRONG. Turned into an hour long battle. I don’t even want to go into the specifics. (heavy breathing, throwing, screaming, chasing, and some of that was ME) Anyways, it was dog grooming day ! Oh happy day, I love it when Ava has a bath, she smells good, and I can love on her. Nah….not today, she has a skin fungus. Hmmm. Sucks. She has to sit in a chair on a bunch of towels, because she could be contagious to humans. Nice.

                           Cut to the fact that I have a toothache. Ok, so the toothache is not new. I have had it off and on for 2 years. Don’t say it people, I already know. I am a chicken, plus it costs money, and it may involve more than one dentist ! This day, the day after resurrection day, is not going well, at all.

                              The butcher and I get big-eyed girl, and lion-boy to bed, a little late…9 pm, finally. We can rest our minds, and our bodies from the frustration of the day, the work, the bills(earplugs, anti fungal shampoo)…you get the idea. Man-child (who is measuring in at 5″8, thank you) and I settle down on the couch for our nightly pow wow, where he tries to stall going to bed, and I try to stare at, and hold him for as long as possible with out him thinking that I am totally weird. Yes, we do this every night. When there is a tap on the door. 9:45…who in the world? Will this day ever end ? It’s halfgrown,on my own- girl’s boyfriend. Sometimes boyfriend, sometimes not. Shock and awe are the feelings that fill the space where the air used to be. The butcher does not invite boyfriend/not in the house, he goes outside. Man-child peeks out the window. I wait.

                                 Thomas comes in and sends a very disappointed man-child to bed. Goodnight love. And then tells me that boyfriend/not has come by to enlighten us about halfgrown,on my own- girl’s life style. He thinks she is in danger. We could have told him that. And now we sit…wondering, imagining, what-ifing, sighing, hurting, but, loving. The day AFTER resurrection day.

  There are no means to measure the excitement that I feel. The words are just not sufficient. Grace is. Love is, but not these words. I am scared of dying, the act of it, the moment. Jesus was too strong for death, it could not, and did not keep him down. He is mine, and I am his, and I am excited. Excited  to know him, excited to love him…inspired to worship him, and happy to give him all that I am. I am excited….My God reigns.