Right now, I am hearing…

• Isaiah singing
• birds singing
• the hum of the dryer
• dogs panting

Right now, I am smelling…

• sunblock
• bathroom cleaner
• bananas
• coffee

Right now I am feeling…

• hot sun
• peace inside
• satisfied

Right now I am touching ….this keyboard literally, but I am also touching heaven. I touch it,  when I hear Isaiah singing, and I touch it,  when I see the brightest cardinal EVER, and I touch it ,when peace is what I feel. When nothing satisfies…Love does. And Love lives in Heaven, but Love has a kingdom right here on Earth. A kingdom where birds call out, and kids sing, where the sun shines down on shoulders , and honeysuckle is the fragrance of the air.

Just trying to engage my senses today. Take my time, taste and see that the Lord is good.

Ok.  Listen up…. I just listened to a sermon from a friend (really, a sister) who attends St. Andrews in Mt. Pleasant , and I am amazed at the lengths God will go to , to  get the message to me. The information was not new, restoration and love…a common theme in the story that is my life. The delivery was fresh, and my spirit perked right up, and she not only listened…she heard.

Vandalize – willful or malicious destruction to property.

What if your life has been vandalized ? And what if YOU did some of the damage ? It’s hard, it’s complicated…no one understands.  I’ve said it all, and I’ve heard it all.  Here is what I know, whether you are a 35 year old mom, and wife, or a 19 year old girl at the beginning of your life…you are a MASTERPIECE.  The WORD, who became flesh, is in fact, the artist who created you.  Not as an after thought, but with the utmost care to every detail.  And when this artist sees the vandalism , the missing bits…the very ruin of HIS creation , He comes.  He lives.  He dies…He rises, and he RESTORES the piece of art that you are , (that I am)…. THE MASTERPIECE, HE restores it to perfection,  as only the artist who created it in love can do.

Do you hear that ? I can’t do it. You can’t do it. No amount of makeup will cover my brokeness, no perfume will mask the stench of my ruin, or yours. Only…the fragrance of Christ. It is expensive. It cost him his life.  But He says YOU (I ) are worth it all.  My restoration is a contradiction. It is both complete, and ongoing. He paints me new every day.  How about you ?

I feel like I am in a season of learning right now. Learning about myself, my marriage, God my Father, my kids, and all of my relationships.

Let’s start with Isaiah. I feel like he is having major breakthroughs every day. He is learning to trust me, as we live each day together. I am depositing in him daily that he has what it takes. I am communing with him. Sometimes, in the simplest of ways, and I am breaking through !

God, my Father,  loves me.  He always has time for a conversation with me.  HE is not selfish, and HIS patience with me is limitless.  He is depositing in me daily that HE sees me.

Parenting in general….this is a biggie, (for me at least ). The journey, the process, whatever you want to call it…is never over.  It’s also never, ever,  perfect.  That is why, I am still learning. I am a Mother, a life giver , even on my worst day…my heart is for them. All of them. From little lion boy, right on up to… almost grown on my own girl.  My heart is for them.  I see them .  And  sometimes , I have to see them with fresh eyes, and my Father allows that !

My relationships…Everyone needs more than one friend. That’s community.  Some friends are soft, and easy to cry with.  And some are stronger than you, and can hold you up.  Some may make you laugh every day. And then there are a couple who can see straight into your spirit, and call her forward, they believe what your Father says about you long before you do.  Yep, I think you need all of these.

My marriage…After the City Church ladies retreat I had a lot of thinking to do. I came to some simple truths.  I have believed lies about myself, that kept me from seeing  all of my husband. And ladies, hear me when I say this…all the junk that was revealed during my quiet times was …hypothetical, but the Lord is giving me the opportunity to walk it out.  To STOP desiring to have power over my husband, to TRUST him with my whole heart, and to allow him to COVER me,  in a way that I never had.  I’ve emptied myself out to him, and now the Lord will give him the opportunity to guard me the way he so wants to.  I know all of that is vague, but you get the gist of it, right ?

Point is…we never arrive. From time to time, we coast…but then we start again.  It’s a dance that will go on for eternity. Yes, that’s ‘ right…even in HEAVEN, we will be learning HIS ways toward us.  Be encouraged,  perfection is not the goal…whole-heartedness  is, and we’re getting there !

• My heart broke wide open…again.
• my head hurt ….constantly
• I missed my kid’s voices…surprising
• the number of times I shaved, and or washed my hair….was a shockingly small number
• I heard 2 of the names the Lord calls me…and has written on his thigh.
• I saw the commonality (if that’s not a word, it should be) in 65 different women…LOVE
• I heard stories of courage, heartbreak, brutality, and….REDEMPTION.
• I saw shiny faces lifted up singing a chorus to a LIVING GOD…not a religious symbol.
• I ate the BEST food…without a thought about calories…lovely.
• I chose to engage.
• I accepted love.
• I realized…how much I NEED….my husband.
• I knew FOR SURE….the Lord speaks to me. Thankful.
• I remembered, Jesus is drawn to the… broken. Like a moth to a flame, HE came.
• I forgave Eve…and myself.
• Took back what was mine, and was lost….

I came home exhausted. Yes, to the point of talking nonsense, but it was worth it. He always shows up, always fills my basket. Always. This weekend was when I realized… the women of City Church are ….sweet as syrup.

For dinner I gave my kids…a crusty loaf of bread, with oil for dipping, cheese,  to the ones who like it, and yogurt for dessert. I couldn’t be bothered to cook. You see, I am flawed.  And along with being flawed comes being …knawed. That feeling of…I am not enough, this isn’t perfect,  I am on empty with no gas station in sight,  I want my bed, and a dark room.

To my surprise,  my kids were perfectly satisfied.  And I realized something BIG.  I am sufficient for them.  I DO, in fact have what they need.  I am their nourishment.  And so, I will go away this weekend to a women’s retreat ,where I will allow myself to be filled.  Again.  I will carry an empty basket, and trust the Lord that the things he will choose to give, will not only feed me, but my kids, too. I will laugh, and then I will cry. As I empty my heart, my perfume out on Abba…I know He will come, He will undo me, but He won’t leave me undone.

God just never stops. And therefore I never stop. I am new every day. I will continue breaking time, and again. And when I break, I will pour myself out, through tears, and pain, and sometimes…giggles. I will keep on trusting HIM, because HE keeps on SAVING me. Present tense.

I love Easter Sunday. I love it because of how ALIVE I feel. The only problem with that is…I need to feel that way every day. Yeshua died to give life, and give it abundantly….every day.  Being ALIVE isn’t about having the perfect life, it’s enjoying the one you have. Loving your neighbor, and letting your kids get dirty. Looking at the cross, and being filled with gratitude for the grace.  Happy Resurrection Day.

It’s Good Friday, and here is what I know….You poured yourself out into my desert,  and I am alive.

You spoke into my slumber,  and I am awake.

You sang your song to my heart, and I feel like dancing with the joy of it.

I was dead, as dead as you were on Good Friday.  But now, I am alive.  Alive in your sacrifice, alive in your love….found in your passion for me.  WE are alive.  Love is stronger than death, and you will continue raising me from the dead ….for the rest of my life.

There is something to be a said for moving. I am big on fresh starts. What does that say about me ? You don’t need me to tell you that the house is in disarray…it’s crazy. So instead, I will say this….Our neighbors are lovely, the family we are leasing from also lovely, the first day of Spring could not have been any better. Pizza, salad, my new deck, the kids playing soccer in the backyard until dark….it was a good day. So, goodnight.

First a quick update. It goes something like this, we have all been sick with the crud that attacks our sinus cavities every year around this time. We have also all been busy, home school, boy scouts, civil air patrol, Dad working his arse off….oh yeah and packing up the house to move. All reasons as to why I have been a slack blogger. But I thought of something that I had to take the time to blog about.

Monday my man-child was home sick, and I was doing school with little lion boy…while he was reading, I came across an article and decided it was worth a little teaching about too.   Man-child was a captive audience, he was, after all …sick.  I’ll take what I can get.  The subject….The Proverbs 7 woman.  The one to stay away from, the one who will ruin your integrity, and your life.  It was good reading, I don’t think he had read it before.  After, we read it, I asked him- did he know any girls like the one being described here ?  He said yes, and went on to tell me about a girl at school who has been known to have sex with boys, and smoke pot.  He described her as rough, and not attractive. ( this broke my heart, but that is a blog for another day).  I realized that while we had read the passage about the Proverbs 7 woman, he had missed some DETAILS.  This woman….the one to beware of, the temptress…is beautiful, with honeyed speech, and the finest clothes.  These details somehow did not catch him.  But I knew, and I made sure that he does too, now.

Of course, we followed up with the woman you SHOULD be looking for, the Proverbs 31 woman. And I have to say that even with all of her stellar attributes, she seemed kind of boring in comparison to the one from Proverbs 7.  So I reminded him, that God had given him details about his future wife.  DETAILS.  That she would be funny, smart, and most importantly….worth it. Today’s lesson…it’s all in the details.

A little over a week ago, my friend (with my permission) prayed that things in my like would be shaken up. Not for the sake of, excitement, but for the sake of moving forward, gaining ground….taking possession , of what is mine. I knew it would be rough. It always is. Knowing it’s going to be rough, and actually RIDING out the storm are two different things. I can’t say that I have handled it as well as I would have liked. My body has given in to sickness, my flesh…to stress, and my spirit….well she has decided to play hide and seek.  My emotions have been all over the place. I am going to list some of the things I have FELT…. panic, peace,love, frustration, surrender,love, anger, isolation, love, fear, love…general pissed offedness…love. The greatest of these is LOVE. Truth.

I am blessed beyond reasoning, and still… I need more. I need wholeness. For me, for Isaiah. I need peace for my husband, and strength. I need HOPE for the future, and joy for today. JESUS…..in the words of Cheryl Crow,  Are you strong enough to be my man ? I need you. Like now, like yesterday. Breakthrough..authentic, and life changing.