Here is a shocker…Isaiah did not want to go into his class at church today. No biggie, I kept him in big church with me. THANK GOD !

                       As soon as we got in there worship was starting ,and I didn’t give Isaiah time to think about it, we scooted ourselves right up to the front. I know the LORD inhabits our praise ,and I really needed to find him there. Isaiah, too.

  We had only just begun to enter in when the Lord gave me a word for Z. He said, very clearly, ” you do all things well”. And so I bent down to my 7 year old , who on a regular basis, says to me ,” I’m horrible, I’m not good”, and I told him what the Lord had revealed. I could see in his eyes that he believed it.

                        During the message, Isaiah and I were writing notes back and forth to each other ( i know, radical) I felt sure that the enemy had been filling his head with lies and noise and I knew that we were suspended, he and I, in this moment with the Lord. I had to strike while the iron was HOT. So I asked him what kind of things did the enemy say to him, what were the things that make him so angry and ashamed. He wrote it down in my journal. just like this…..

             ”  the lies he says are dont go to school. and he says things like you cant do anything.” So I wrote back, ” do you know that those are lies?” and he said, yes. So I said , ” you have to say no to the enemy, that you are not going to listen anymore, because the GOD of truth says that you do ALL things well.”  He was ready and he wrote in my journal,”ok”.

                     I asked him if he wanted to go up and lay it down before the LORD and have Mr. Adam (keyes) pray for him, and he took off like a shot ! He stood there and let Shanah and Adam, and Tim Harris love on him and speak truth to him. He came away saying, ” mrs. shanah had a word for me !” Yes LORD ! Yes ! I believe that a mighty work was done today.

                  Shanah did not know what Isaiah and I had been talking about that morning, but her vision for him went a little something like this…..She saw the LORd digging out a hole in Isaiah’s belly, digging out all the fears and insecurities, the shame, the anger and hurt, and in that cleanedout hole, Jesus planted a seed, and it grew tall and strong out of Isaiah’s belly and was a FRUIT BEARING TREE.

                                     The Lord is good and faithful, I don’t have to fight alone. He hears me when I call, He runs to me when I run to him. The desire of my heart has been for my kids to have their own supernatural encounters, and my DADDY gave me that today. Peace.

                 Started the day out at THE HINGE ! It is awesome to walk through a place where everyone is gathered to pray for one city. OUR CITY. If we don’t care enough to gather and pray, how can we complain about the state of our schools and our businesses….if we don’t pray for change, who will ? I wanted to stay longer, but the kids were with us and they were hot and bored. This was sad to me. Anyways, I had to come home and get ready for work at GLAM. My opportunity to affect this city.

                                GOD is really speaking to me right now about my identity. How is it that I could be 35 and still unsure of who I am in him ? I have been walking around in a constant state of agitation, because HE WON’T STOP CALLING MY NAME…..I want to believe every prophetic word ever spoken over me, I want to be the ME, that He sees. But most of all, I want to KNOW who I am, so that my kids can see.

                            An earthly Father has 3 responsibilities to his children, to give them their identity, to protect them and to provide for them. I am pretty sure that I got the short end of the stick in this deal, HOWEVER….my ABBA is teaching me now. Its going to be alright, but somewhere inside me is a 10 year old girl who put up walls that are still there today. One day ,in the near future I am going to be dancing on the rubble of the walls …that no longer exsist.

This morning was good. And so , I have basically learned that I should NEVER relax. At least until all the children are grown up. Thank you Lord.

               Tomorrow is my day off and I will spend it catching up on all the things that need to get done…laundry, groceries and general nonsense. It is very interesting trying to run the house and the business. When I say interesting , I mean …HARD.

              This is random, but so is this whole post….so there. The Butcher has made up a lovely character for the children. He sings songs about him, and tells stories about him. His name ?  YOHAN, the ladle hand boy. Yeah…he is a boy with ladles for hands, and he gets himself into all kinds of situations. For instance in one episode ( yes, the Butcher tells it in episodes) Yohan’s mom throws a football at him, and he says, “mummy , I can’t catch it , I have ladle hands”. The whole thing is done with a british accent. Yeah…I know. Crazy, that’s how we roll around here. Happy Wednesday.

 Well, here we are , second week of second grade for Isaiah, and he decided that he did not want to go this morning. I believe it starts out as simple as that. You wake up and think,”I  wish I did not have to get up”. Most people just push on through that, but not Isaiah. He got up prepared for battle. He did some of the things that he is required to do, like eat and brush his teeth. All the while GLARING. Then came time to get in the car and he took off, Thomas was quick enough to catch him. We struggled to get him in the car, all of us a little worse for the wear. I can no longer hold him physically, if he doesn’t want to be held, so Thomas has to take him into the school. It was tough, when he left him, there was a woman and a man holding Isaiah down so that he could not hurt them.

                         I am not writing about this because I think it will entertain you. I am not writing it because I want you to feel sorry for me, I am writing to say that , even in the midst of that, I heard the LORD say ” I walk with you through fire”. It didn’t help me in the moment, Isaiah did not want to hear about the Lord, but it is helping me now. I don’t know what the root of this is, but I know the Lord is with me. I know that Isaiah is special to HIM, and that he will not forget him.

                       It feels like I have written this post before, so many times. Its been a long struggle. Last year, I felt strongly that  a demon whose name was called fear, was on and around Isaiah, Why is this happening again ?

                                                       A psalm for Isaiah…..

                                       I call you in my sadness, I call you in my tears

                                     I wander through the wilderness alone with all these fears…

                                       How alone will you let me be, how far will you let me go ?

                                      This prison of my own making, I am yours and here for the taking

                                         You walk with me through fire, you know my face by heart

                                         So save me from this enemy, catch me when I fall

                                              I trust you now and forever, hear me when I call.

 Feeling a little like a limp rag tonight. I started crying sat night after the realization that I ,in fact ,have lived under the cloud of the “orphan spirit”. Drat…I hate being a cliche. I figured that there would be a chance the Lord would call me out today and start the work. Seriously, I saw Sheila Brown, and I KNEW. She has the quiet power that was required for this battle. And so, she let my Father love on me ,through her, and I cried…and cried…and cried. My eyes are still stinging ,and if I don’t concentrate, I will cry again now. I am so relieved. And so broken.

                                           My healing had to come, it is time.  My desire for perfection in my kids and husband was killing me ,and ruining the atmosphere in our home. I wanted it to be perfect for MY FATHER. If I did a good enough job as a parent, if I took my most loved treasures, and raised them JUST RIGHT for him, then I would deserve the LOVE and MERCY that he HEAPS on me. But that is just not the case. He does not require perfection from them ,or me. Only love.

                             Tonight at the marriage class, Z had a melt down, and we got called out to get him under control. It ALWAYS breaks my heart. I know that when he is singled out and embarrassed, he lashes out in anger. I do the same. Anyways, we were standing out in the hall talking to him, loving him, despite his imperfections (such a clear picture of Abba), and a woman walked by, she did not linger or seem to hear our conversation, but later, she e-mailed me. This is what she said “you are doing a great job”. That was it, in a nutshell. I know it was the Lord, affirming me, and letting me know that Love conquers all. This woman prefaced the message with”I don’t really know you at all”….well, I beg to differ, I think she does. And I think the Lord is doing a sneaky work in both of us.

          I have been reading  Spiritual Slavery to Spiritual Sonship by Jack Frost, for a looong time now. Something or someone always seems to get in the way. But, I am wise to that…there is something HERE. There is truth, that up until now, I haven’t been able to see.

                        I try to be like Jesus. My heart breaks for his Kingdom to come, I desire to change the atmosphere in my home and at GLAM, even in my neighborhood. Feels like I am on a treadmill. Know why ? I have an orphan spirit. Thought I was done with it, but I’m not.

                   I want his love, I love him so, I want his love, how can I not know..or see..his love is….inside me.

                               I have to open the portion of my heart that has been shut. I shut it to protect it, but its time to open it up. See previous post. I wrote in way back in 2008. Its an on going anthem “open my heart back up God”.

                                        Ok, so here I am perfect in my imperfection, falling…but, at least I am falling….forward.  I am your daughter and I am ready to dance.

                                                                        I love you for trying ! My home has been my identity for so long, that it is hard to let it go. I am trying on a new identity now, BUSINESS WOMAN. Its new and hard, so if I am snappy…cut me a little slack. My heart recognizes how hard you try.        Have a great day at work, I will see you after dinner ! love you.

       Let me just start by saying that Z did beautifully !

  Thank you Jesus for your intercession. Isabelle was a little clingy, but thats ok with me. She looked cute as a button, in her dress and leggings and her little black flats ! Sidney is in 11th grade and a pro at this by now. ADAM…… he was a nervous wreck, couldnt sleep last night, and neither could I. Middle school is a scary pl;ace, after the warm enviroment of elementary school. If I could have gone for him, I would have.

                  So, I prayed for him in specific this morning. I did not ask the Lord for a word, but he gives more than you expect and therefore, I was not surprised.  And so…I will share.

             The scene is in black and white, its Adam walking up to the middle school ( which looks like gotham city in the vision), its dark and gloomy. But, just like in photoshop, when you add color to a black and white picture, everywhere that Adam walked, the color washed over and filled up. He opened the doors and color flooded the halls…….help me Jesus, I think I almost fell out just now. Ha !

           So thats it, I asked him for hope and he gave me a vision of such hope that I am beside myself.

I loved the message on Sunday, I love the idea that all “movements” in history were started by individuals. It makes me hopeful, it inspires me, gets me going so to speak. I have been fighting against “the spirit of the age “, for some time now. For those of you who don’t know what that is, its the attitude that, “oh well thats the way the world is these days”.

It doesn’t have to be the way that it is. Change the atmosphere in your home or at your job. I’m going to. 

                              On sunday, the Lord had me go over and ask a complete stranger for prayer…ironically enough, she prayed for just the things that I needed in my parenting, sweetness and gentleness. How did she know ? Ha. Then the LORD said to me, ” give these words wings”. Imagine that.

                                            words with wings

                                            speaking the secret things

                                                words with wings

                                                 verses written for kings

                                            words with wings for me, through me, in me, about me

                                             spoken to my soul, my heart.

   I am going to start dismantling things around here, I know that Jesus has been interceding for me, I can feel his boldness.  ROOOOAAAAR.

I want to be shipwrecked….far away from the things that tangle me here on planet earth. Shipwrecked, isolated, set apart with JESUS. Shipwrecked and right here at home all at the same time. Shipwrecked ….in my mind.

                       Ruin me, wreck me for anything but you

                       ruin me, wreck me, break on through

                     Ruin me , wreck me, for anything but you…

     And when nothing satisfies me, I know why. I want more of you LORD, I want to worship face to face, I want to SMELL grace. How am I supposed to go to work like this ? I am messed up today, loving you in this unusual way. Come and STAY….don’t go away. The things that I have to do today, I want to do with you.