Well, here they are our TWO guinea pigs ! Both female, both pretty cute. Who knew ? We had a good weekend getting used to these ladies. Isaiah had good behaviour and it did not take him long to become a good parent.

  I wondered about this morning, without the motivation, would he go ? He was a champion. He woke up in a great mood, and when he got out of the car, he met my eyes, and held me there, captivated by him for just a little longer than usual. My spirit heard him saying, ” I’m doing it mommy”.

            There are no words to describe how I felt, so I won’t attempt it.

 I want to reach up and touch the Lord, and tell him just how much I love him.

           Esther kept her true identity hidden, until the proper time.

                      My king has been preparing me, inside this cocoon, until the proper time. The time to break out, the big reveal. I don’t know what to expect, but I have my eyes on the prize, his name is JESUS.

            I had this vision in 2006 during a time of worship.

     Jesus walked up to me( i was a little girl), and took me by the hand. He led me up a rocky path. We went so fast, I kept thinking that I would fall down, but I did not. We ended up at the cross, together, we looked at his broken body. Without a word, he pointed out the nails in his hands and feet. He took my hands again, and we began to dance and sing, ” ring around the roses, pocket full of posies, ashes to ashes, we all fall down”. We laughed. It was a good vision. He KNOWS me. Knows my fear of falling, of failing.

                                                    We all fall down, we all fall down

                                                      We all fall down, he picks us up

                                                     We all fall down, he picks us up, he picks us up.

                                                     We are all nailed down, we are all nailed down

                                                     we are all nailed down, he sets us free….he sets us free.

         One of my favorite things about public school is, DONUTS FOR DADS. Its always near the beginning of the school year, and it is such a beautiful picture. All of the little boys and girls walking through the parking lot, holding hands with their daddys, looking up at him every few seconds, just to make sure he is really there. I love it. The look of pride on their little faces.

                                                     The Butcher would rather die than miss donuts for dads. Thats just the kind of guy that he is. My children are blessed and I think they know it.

                 I know it is a hard day for kids who don’t have a daddy, but I am trusting that GOD is walking in with them, hands held tightly. That is my hope and my hope is in my DADDY. Have a great day ! Try to get out from under the human condition !

         Its Adam’s birthday. He got a go cart. I am terrified. He is thrilled. I am so selfish ,that I would love for Adam to stop growing and live with me forever. How terrible is that ? Nobody told me that I would feel this way. Proud, and full of love, and sad all at the same time.

         And then there is Isaiah, he is …..Z. I could kiss his lips off. Literally, sometimes, I lay in my bed at night ,and I think about going and crawling into his bed and snuggling up to him, and smelling him. Is this love or just terrible co-dependence ? I worry about him a lot, but when it comes right down to it, I like who he is.

                     I am hard on the girls. I expect them to KNOW what I am thinking. Thats hard. I confuse myself. I love them, and still want them to depend on me for their everything. Thats the selfish truth.

         Thomas. Thats a good one. I tell him how much I love him with one breathe and with the next, I question why he doesn’t care about me. Selfish. This must be self-help day at wordpress. I am blessed, he is a good husband. Better than good, better than I know.

              God. My constant in my confusion. Could I really be his muse ? Is it possible that he sees the world new, through my eyes each day, and falls in love again ,and again with me ? Does he wait each day to see what I will do, what I will bring ? Is he eager for me ?

               I think the answer is yes. My heart says it is, if I could only wrap my head around it. Maybe I don’t need to. MAYBE, I just need to LIVE FROM MY HEART. Maybe, today is the day.

Day two down, and I am happy and hopeful. Isaiah is doing great. Thank you for all the prayers. 

                 On a different subject, I have gotten lots of encouraging words over the past two weeks for Isaiah, and it blows me away. I have also gotten words of love and affirmation about my parenting, and boy, did I need to hear those. Thank you for listening to the Lord, and for being willing to share. Today, I got one of the greatest words that was mine and mine alone. It came from a surprising source, but the Lord knows exactly what he is doing. This young woman started a conversation with me about how long I have been at CrossRoads. I told her (proudly), that I had been there almost from the beginning. And then I admitted that I had left the church two times. Once, to help start another church, that while unsuccessful, taught me a ton about myself. And once to move to Charlotte, and go to MorningStar. And here I am back again. This young woman said to me, “i saw you at crossroads, a looong time ago”. I said, “really ?”, and she said “yes, you really stood out. ” And then she went on to tell me that, had she not seen me there, dancing, singing and worshipping in my way, that she did not think she would be where she is in worship today. Her words to me, “thats what a worship leader is.”

              I recieve that and believe it. I will never look back. I’ve burned my bridges with this world….nothing feels as good as worship to me. And every once in a while, when the world has knocked the wind out of me…I forget. But then, my Father sends someone to me with a message, and it reminds me….just exactly who I am.

Project “guinea pig” is off to a great start ! And I feel like the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders. Its one day at a time around here, and today is GOOD. Well, I would be remiss if I didn’t mention Belle. The school nurse just called, she got hit in the face with the tether ball. She is fine, the point is…there is never a dull moment.

                                 Ok, its my day off and I am enjoying doing nothing….after today my week gets crazy ! Its Glam’s first sidewalk sale, and Adam’s 12th birthday. Oh the joy and pain of birthdays! Just thought you would all want to know, I got a feeling…that today is gonna be a good day.

          We had a good meeting with the school on Friday. Turns out, Z is a model student, once he settles in. We are trying “operation Guinea Pig “. Isaiah’s teacher, Mrs. Cone, will print the picture of a guinea pig and cut it into five pieces. Each day that Isaiah goes to school with out crying or fighting, she will reward him with one piece. He will bring it home, where I will put it on the fridge. When we have all five…..tada ! A guinea pig. (great). Actually, if it helps this situation, I am willing to do just about anything. We will go to the pet store and let Isaiah pick himself out a little creature. Another mouth to feed, and another thing/person to clean up after.

                      I feel like writing a book, warning new parents about how hard it is to be a parent. Somebody should have told me.

Isaiah went into school WITHOUT issue this morning ! No tears, no fighting, no trying to open the car door and jump out into traffic. Everything else that happens today is gravy ! It’s bookfair day, by the way. That’s what inspired him. He loves books and loves to read.

                  We have our meeting with the school this morning, that should be interesting. I should say, that we are at the BEST school, they have bent over backwards to be kind to Z. At times, I would get afraid that they wouldn’t like him, or dread seeing him coming, because of the fight. But they have been patient and kind. I know that is a blessing, a big one ,and I get so wrapped up in my sadness that I forget the blessings.

              Yesterday was a horrible day for news, for the state of our world and I’m not even talking politics….today is going to be a better day. OPEN THE FLOOD GATES OF HEAVEN AND LET IT RAIN.

 I asked the Lord for a spark, just a spark of joy….and he gave it to me. It was still a hard morning, but the doom I felt yesterday has gone. Thank you Daddy. You ARE the defender of the weak.

                    This picture really speaks to how I feel right now, its cloudy outside, but I feel sunny inside. That is a gift, its not of my own power, I can assure you. I choose to accept this gift and hang on for dear life, I won’t let go of you.

I apologize for not keeping the information rolling on this blog. The truth is, you can’t handle the truth. I am broken into bits. Little pieces of me scattered here and there and everywhere. Gutteral cries lifted up from this chair where I sit and type, leaving this place, spraying the atmosphere with the sounds of the pain a mother feels for her wounded child. You would cringe if you were here. It is not beautiful, it is gory and it feels like a god forsaken mess. 

                      Is it about Isaiah, or is it about me ? I am faltering and floundering, falling down somehow lower than the ground. It all sounds so cliche, it hurts my eyes and ears to see what I am typing. There was no choice, I will not write some flowery, funny half truth about life right now. I am a real woman, with a soul that is laid bare, I have walked toward the LORD, and sometimes run. I have had moments of incredible joy and supernatural faith, right now is not one of them. So…if you don’t want the truth, stop reading now. I cannot sugar coat, I have never been good at it.

                     Adam wants to know why, since two or more of us gather every day and pray for Isaiah, WHY is there no relief ? How do I answer that ? I want to know too. I am a terrible faker, and he can see the fear in my eyes as I say “faith, just have faith”. I know that the enemy smells my fear. I reek of it right now. Can you smell it?

                   Just as David would, I will end this terrible doubting post/psalm with trust and grattitude. I trust you Lord, don’t look away from me, not even for a minute, I might fade away if you do. I cease to exist whenever I resist the love you have for me. Come to my rescue. I love you. I want you. I desperately need you.