Its Adam’s birthday. He got a go cart. I am terrified. He is thrilled. I am so selfish ,that I would love for Adam to stop growing and live with me forever. How terrible is that ? Nobody told me that I would feel this way. Proud, and full of love, and sad all at the same time.

         And then there is Isaiah, he is …..Z. I could kiss his lips off. Literally, sometimes, I lay in my bed at night ,and I think about going and crawling into his bed and snuggling up to him, and smelling him. Is this love or just terrible co-dependence ? I worry about him a lot, but when it comes right down to it, I like who he is.

                     I am hard on the girls. I expect them to KNOW what I am thinking. Thats hard. I confuse myself. I love them, and still want them to depend on me for their everything. Thats the selfish truth.

         Thomas. Thats a good one. I tell him how much I love him with one breathe and with the next, I question why he doesn’t care about me. Selfish. This must be self-help day at wordpress. I am blessed, he is a good husband. Better than good, better than I know.

              God. My constant in my confusion. Could I really be his muse ? Is it possible that he sees the world new, through my eyes each day, and falls in love again ,and again with me ? Does he wait each day to see what I will do, what I will bring ? Is he eager for me ?

               I think the answer is yes. My heart says it is, if I could only wrap my head around it. Maybe I don’t need to. MAYBE, I just need to LIVE FROM MY HEART. Maybe, today is the day.