The kids went back to school today. Hmmmm. Quiet house. Isaiah did great, his teacher has been on maternity leave, and today was her first day back. Isabelle said she woke up every hour and did not sleep well, Adam was excited(odd), and Sidney, well, she was down right nervous, and rightly so. She has behaved really ridiculously at school, with teachers and kids alike. She wants a new start, but isn’t sure how that will be recieved. I hate that highschool. I really do. And I am anxious about the dynamics in our family, once Sidney gets back with her peeps. Ok, actually, I’m scared.

                                     Tomorrow is Isaiah’s birthday ! He will be 8 years old. And that….is keeping my mind occupied today. After that, I will have the packing up of this house to keep me busy. I am trying not to focus on Sidney, and the gentle tug of war that has become our lives. This morning, I was not pleased with her outfit, but I let it pass. I brought it up, she knew how I felt, but I didn’t push. I want modesty to be HER choice, and so far, its not. I feel like I am compromising ALOT, and no one else is. Ok….enough of this. I said, I wasn’t going to think about it.

                           I am off. There are things to be done, and life to be lived…ok, actually, there is wrapping paper, and school supplies to buy. Regardless, I am off. Peace, peace, peace, peace.

          The Butcher is so creative. I am grateful for that. I know I have said it before, he truly is a visionary. The atmosphere here is full. We are starting over basically, as far as jobs go. The coffee company is doing good. People love it, and he has regular customers…how do we push it to the next level ? He is a great chef, and would love to design and run an eatery….we need an investor. Know anyone ? Its funny, the restaurant business is how we met, and I have always been grateful to the LORD for getting us out of it, but now I am wondering if Thomas couldn’t be beneficial in restoring that profession….hmmm, food for thought. Remember, you are reading the ramblings of a mom of four, who in the last two months has been pushed to (what she thought were) her limits.  We have weathered some storms since Thanksgiving, but I really believe that I am seeing with more clarity than ever before. Clarity about love and life, marriage and children. Its good.

                               I want some supernatural intervention into our lives. I want someone to see the potential in my husband, the way that I do. I want to do MY part in taking care of the family. I don’t want to worry about school all the time.The Lord says to ask, and so, tonight, I am putting my head down and asking the LORD for the things that ARE NOT right now, to become true. A fabulous job/opportunity for Thomas, a christian school for my children, where they can bloom and blossom, a job for myself that allows me to be home when my family is home….the right job, a divinely appointed job, and a new song. I would like that, a fresh new song, for this fresh new year.

      I was so excited when I realized that I have a whole new decade to work with !!  In the words of  Tom Petty, “the future is wide open”. Really, thats how I feel. I have a few normal resolutions and a few not-so-normal ones, too. I have plans of my own, they are made up of waiting on the Lord.

                    Normal Resolutions

• Take vitamins
• stay away from white food
• drink water
• in general, take care of my body better.

Not so normal Resolutions

• Put my head down more( and let the Lord speak)
• worship in some way or another everyday
• forget my fear
• lead in some way, blaze a trail, prepare the way
• love without strings
• write , even when I feel like God is the only one reading
• focus on the fact that the LORD has put words inside me, lyrics, rhymes, songs, and lovestories….

  The Lord is stirring inside me, calling me out. The last 10 years of my life have been amazing, I am ready to see what the next 10 will bring. I feel an anticipation building that is wrecking my normal way of life.

                   Thank you to our sweet friends who put us up for new years eve. We love you so. Your words stir deep thoughts in us. Even in silliness, you are wise.

  I seem to be in a state of limbo over here. We are currently finishing a new house to move into, however, the butcher is getting laid off. It seems weird to be picking out things and painting rooms, when you know, in a couple of weeks …..there is no job. I am not worried, just weirded out. 

             And then there is me. What do I do ? Ever since the whole Glam Sham, I have wondered…..what do I do ? I have 4 kids that need my undivided attention, they all seem to be at crucial spots in their lives. However, there has to be money. There is nothing that I would love more than to see the kids at Southside Christian school, but it so extravagantly expensive. Why isnt there some kind of scholarship for a deserving 12 year old, with an iq thats off the chart, and a heart for the LORD ??  Ok, trying not to get off the subject of my limbo….

                        Can writing this blog make me an income ? I don’t know. I certainly enjoy it, but is that a realistic thought ?  Ok. I have to pray about this, and maybe you could too.

 A Merry Christmas was had by all. Santa left the kids a long letter, and a special gift for each one under the tree.  Z was a maniac. He loved everything he opened, and represented the true magic of Christmas morning. Belle got exactly what she asked for, down to the letter. All I asked for was for her to stay a little kid longer. Adam was surprised to get what he asked for, we saved it for last( i don’t know why parents try to be so tricky and terrible…we just do) He CRIED. Don’t tell him I said that, it was nice to see a truly grateful heart in a 12 year old body. And Sidney, well, Santa managed to pull out a nice surprise for her too, even though he wasnt quite sure where she was going to be( he is good that way). The butcher had all he has ever wanted…..sitting on the couch wearing santa hats….his children, all of them. And socks, of course.

          I asked for peace, and I had that. It was a lovely Christmas for us all.

  Sidney came home on Christmas Eve. We got the call the night before. I said , lets make a banner, and the Butcher agreed. We stayed up late doing it and thinking about what was to come. We went to bed with the anticipation of seeing our daughter, who had been gone for 6 weeks. That night, in my bed, Sidney wasn’t 17, she was 5, and I couldn’t wait to kiss her face. The Lord is responsible for that, there is no other explanation. We told the other kids when they got up the next morning, we hung our banner on the front porch, and we waited. We gathered on the porch and listened to the sound of hope with every approaching car….until, there they were. Papa was bringing her home. WE stood on the porch and we waved our arms and grinned from ear to ear, SHE hung her head and cried. We bombarded her with hugs as she got out of the car, she sobbed like a baby. I kissed the tears off of her face, and I am telling you the truth, it was as if she was 5 years old, I am not making that up. The Butcher grabbed her and held on for dear life, as papa stood by with tears of his own. A perfect family, we are not, redeemed and soaked in our Fathers love….we are. And so is Sidney.

                                                                              We know that we are taking it one minute at a time, our lives have been changed, our love has not. Christmas was wonderful, I will write about that tomorrow. Thank you for all of your prayers and encouragement. We need them now more than ever. We are not so foolish to believe that the enemy will accept this defeat, but we are faithful enough to believe that our spirits are stronger than his. He always underestimates the power of LOVE.

      i will write again ,and its going to be good. had a little run of sickness over here. adam- strep throat, the butcher-an ear infection, and me- still a mystery.hoping to feel like writing manana….i have a lot to say.

             It was a good weekend. That is an understatement. It was a fun, busy, filled up to overflowing weekend. I am constantly being surprised at the ways that the Lord blesses me. The way He chooses to speak to me, the people that he has painstakingly picked out to be in my life. He is generous. He is kind and forgiving. And I was made for him…

                                    Let me just start with the dance. It was a wonderful time of worship, but it was more. It was a time for the Lord to pour his love on me, he took my sacrifice of praise and he poured it back out over me. It was a simple song with simple motions that spoke volumes. Little drummer boy. I don’t have all the right answers to the world’s questions, or great melodies for the lyrics I write, I rarely hit the right notes when I sing, sometimes I feel like I don’t really have that much to bring.  But what I have is a heart for the Lord. My heart is for the Lord. I was made for him…

          And then, there is the fact that the Littlesons  came to visit. It was just the right time. It was not long enough, but I can assure you, we used our time wisely. We laughed, we caught up, we prayed, we cried…we loved. I think it is unusual for two couples to be so close. Its a divinely appointed friendship, without a doubt. And the Butcher and I really needed them this weekend. When the time came for them to leave and we thought everything that could be said, had been said, Erin said “come on, lets go in the bedroom , so we can pray” She prayed for me, and for my husband, for our hearts, our mouths, and our marriage. She spoke to my spirit and reminded me that I am beautiful and perfect. I was made for him…

                                                 There were more friends, and more words spoken. There were embraces ,that said more than words ever could. There was an outpouring of love and I am slightly hung over from it. We are loved and blessed, beyond our circumstances, and outside of this world.  I have a clear picture of HIS love for me, and best of all, I know that in my quirky, imperfection….I was made for HIM.

           For the 15 years now, I have been going to the Butchers mother’s house for Christmas Eve. NOT this year. It’s bitter sweet. I am relieved not to have to go, and worry about doing ,or saying the wrong thing, and yet, I am so sad for my husband. He has had enough. I remember 15 years ago, at my first Chritmas Eve with his family…one family in particular was just rude, and not just to me, to other people, too. And at the time, in my youth (21 yrs old), I said Why do ya’ll put up with that ? And the answer I got, was …thats just the way she is, its not worth it to start a conflict. Hmmm. Over the years, there have been conflicts, they have been glossed over and brushed under the rugs. But this time, the Butcher has reached his limit.

             We are a family. A family of 6, with one missing. Sidney is missing out by her own choice. So, we are a family of 5 this year. We love each other, we annoy each other, we amuse each other, and we will do MORE than survive Christmas, we will GROW. We will grow closer to each other, and closer to Jesus this year.

                       I hope that wherever you are spending Christmas, you are with people that you love, and people that love you, people that have your back, and tell the truth, people that can SEE the truth. So, family or not…the reason for the season is love…love that came to earth in the body of a woman, to turn the world upside down and set it on fire with his burning for the human race….I think that is worth celebrating !

ps…this is our tree, filled with family ornaments. We unwrap them ,and put them on every year, we talk about the past and the future.  This year, the Lord has said that joy is coming, it might not feel like it right now, but its on the way and its our reward for our faithfulness. Thank you in advance, we are waiting….

             When the mountains crumble and the earth falls away….I will trust in you.

                  When the walls close in and the lies ring true….I will trust in you….I will trust in you.

                              You make all things new, you make all things new…..

      Ok, good morning. I wanted to post on Sunday, but time slipped away from me, and then on monday, my voice slipped away from me, too. So, I will do it now.  We made it to church on sunday morning, a victory in itself ! And hear me when I say, I have never heard the Lord so clearly. I know, I say that a lot, but its true. He said, “I am stronger than you, Let me carry this”, and then HE took it.  I could have danced all night.

                         Looking back now, I can see that he was preparing me for the battle to come later that day. There have been arrows every day. Fiery arrows with poisoned tips, aimed for me and for my husband. The enemy uses anyone, and anything that he can find.  The Lord is our shield and our shelter…..I will trust in you.

                                             Let’s talk family for a minute. What does it look like ? What does it feel like ? I am pretty sure that it should feel good, and safe. That is not reality, at least not for us. In my family, there is trust. I can tell my mother anything. I can trust her. That does not mean that we always get along, we don’t, but I know that she loves me.  I am grateful for that. I am praying for my husband today, as he struggles with a new reality that love is not a word that can be spoken, its an action, its a million moments made up of choices to do the right thing by a person, its loyalty and safety, and honesty. Love does not lie to you. LOVE DOES NOT LIE TO YOU.

                                                                For 15 years I have been a part of the Butcher’s family now, and I am so sad for him. I am so hurt for him. I am so thankful for his Father, he taught my husband how to love, and my children are reaping the benefits of that.  Some people do not understand love and honesty….their actions are evidence. You will be known by your actions. Thats not me being legalistic, thats me speaking practically. Some people cannot be trusted, they are not trustworthy. Its sad when those people are in your family, but I am sure we are not the only ones with issues like these. We are very blessed to have friends who are like family, friends who can be trusted, friends who know more about what is going on in our lives, with our children….with our hearts, than we would ever tell our families. The funny thing is, some of the family, I said SOME, stick their noses in without any knowledge of the situation, let alone…the truth. And that is where things get tangled and hearts get broken.

                                               All that being said, it feels good to know that when my husband and I think we cannot carry one more thing…we don’t have to. The Lord has spoken out that HE can.  He can and He will. 

                                                                                         PS…if you are reading this honey, I love you and love you and love you. You are not a failure, as a father, as a husband and you are not a failure as a son. I can see your heart and I know how much you love. So does Yeshua.