I am still here. Just not on facebook. I am fasting that, among other things. Enough said. The moving is moving along. Tomorrow, the Butcher will put door knobs and cabinet pulls up, hopefully he will get to the closets and mirrors, too. We’ll see.  The blogs this week will be sketchy, my mind is going in a million different directions.

               Youth group….what can I say ? Matt is making me happy. Last week, he gave the sex talk, and the pornography talk. He said all the same things that I do, only in a cooler way. I sat there listening, thinking,” yes, you guys can CHANGE the culture, not just blend into it”. Adam was moved, any of you who have middle school boys , know that it is a miracle in itself if they REALLY hear something. I am not giving up. Matt has given me hope that there are people who have my back, people who believe that purity, even in todays world is attainable, if you are willing to fight for it.  Why live with less ? Every kid out there who lets someone talk them into sex, is being lied to and stolen from. Is that ok with you ? Its not ok with me. But you already knew that.

       Busy,busy,busy…. Feels like I have sat around for months WAITING to move, for the house to be ready. Yesterday, the Butcher says to me”we have to move on saturday”. THIS SATURDAY ? Yep. There are no closet racks, no door knobs, no mirrors, no appliances…..sure, why not ? So, I am walking around my current house trying to figure out where to start. Luckily, we are good at moving, plenty of practice. I just start with the things we don’t use on a daily basis, and go from there.

                Belle asked me the other night if we could try to stay in this house until she was grown up ( she has a friend who has lived in the same house her whole life). At  first I felt sorry for her, but then I realized… Home is where the heart is. Really. We are movers, in the natural, and in the spirit.

             Good things about the new house

• No neighbors so close that we can see their t.v.
• A back porch
• A Pantry
• a laundry room that you can’t see from the back door
• a bonus room

 I am excited about it, the move will be fast and furious, but every time you get a fresh start….enjoy it !! This means organization, and clean tubs. Ok. Back to work, see you soon.

    Ok. I made it to Becky’s book study today. Hmmm. Now I see why the deciever would pull out all the stops to keep me from getting there.  It was warm, engaging, educational, and no one wanted to leave. Eventually, I did have to leave…the kids had to be picked up from school. There was an abundance of love and wisdom to go around. These women understand the Father’s love, and they want HIS kingdom….here, now. I do, too.  My heart was not totally open, but I felt it softening. I am having major trust issues ( since Glam), I trust the Lord, its people that I am not sure about.  But, its getting better, and better. Todays bookstudy went a long ways toward setting it right. More details to come…..

Its been a few days now since I fell asleep on my close floor, and I am STILL thinking about what the Lord said. He is showing me myself and my stepdaughter in the same picture. Though offended, I will cling to HIM. The laws are so simple to keep….but love…why do I struggle with this one so much?

         I went to prayer on Monday night, it was good for me. I layed out the scar tissue that is my heart, and asked the Lord to begin to tenderize it….I know that he is, I can feel it. I know that there is more. I am headed out today, to a womens group. The enemy has done his best to keep me from going, so, I can only assume that there is something for me there….I will let you know.

WARNING ! GRAPHIC EMOTIONAL CONTENT….WARNING! GRAPHIC EMOTIONAL CONTENT…..WARNING!

                             A  thought occurred to me tonight as I lay on my closet floor.  No teenage girl WANTS to be shoved up against the bathroom wall,and taken advantage of. All she wants is for someone to tell her she is pretty, and to love her, to love her, to love her, to love her.

                                  I know where the thought came from. Believe it or not, it came from the one whose LOVE covers all I’ve done. It was a freeing thought, an odd thought…out of the blue, when I was thinking a million different thoughts….I am going to be okay. My kids are going to be okay. I am covered. We are covered. I have searched for a long time for a love like this, and now I need to rest in it.  

                Take away this judgement Lord, this false sense of  control….I don’t want to be like the others, I want to be like you. I want to be in love with….love. I havent been. Its the one thing that I have looked for forever, and the one thing that I have been selfish with. I am broken open, a little bit battered and shattered tonight. Forgive the mess, I am so relieved…..waste me on you.

  I went to youth group on Sunday night, curiosity, really. New guy, new thoughts, and I wanted to see what he had to say. Boy, was I in for a surprise when I started feeling this  familiar tugging on my heart….conviction. He brought up the spiritual anorexic…the person who wants the Lord, craves him even, but despite that, is starving themselves….working out , giving out….without any fuel, no food, no bread of life. If that is you….you don’t crack the Bible open during the week, you don’t worship, you don’t talk to the Lord….you starve your soul. Your heart will give out, it can only take so much.

                      And then there is the spiritual bulemic. I identify with this, and feel a little ashamed of it. I binge. I binge on worship, on the word, on prayer….sometimes in private sometimes not….I want it all. I stuff it in…..until something happens that I don’t like, a trial, a struggle…..then I throw it all up. All that food, all that nutrition…gone, in comes the shame to take its place. Yeah, I said that. The first step in recovery is admitting that you have a problem. Somewhere along the way, I didn’t learn to trust my ABBA. I want to. I really do.  My mission is to find a way, to eat smaller meals , all day long…and to keep them down, even when my life is not smooth sailing. The Lord is good and good for you. Its going to be day by day for a while. I am learning to trust him in the big and in the small, I am seeing that I don’t have to stuff myself to feel satisfied.

                      So, there….I took Matt’s words and feasted on them, I am letting them feed me today. I want to be a good example for my kids in all areas. Thanks Matt, you really brought it on Sunday. You are doing something right if you can reach the kids and the adults at the same time. Bravo !

 The truth is….I am just a little tired of all the heavy stuff. So, I will share a new truth today ! Last week both of my sons had strep throat, they were pitiful. Laid on the couch, silently( that is the key word) suffering. They wanted to snuggle, but not too much. They needed me, but also wanted to rest. WELL…..Isabelle is at home today with a cough, sore throat and a temp. What a different patient she is ! She started the morning off moaning, asking for things, in terrible pain….hardly able to make it. Eye opening, really. She feels good enough to still get her 2000 words in by lunch time. I wonder where she gets that ?

                               The fact is, boys and girls are different. Men and women are different.Brothers and sisters fight, husbands and wives fight.Men want to fix it and forget it, women want it fixed….the way they want it fixed.period.

  Almost Valentines Day. Sometimes I wish our story was typical, easier…sweeter. It’s not, it’s…EPIC. I love you. There is fire here, after all of these years, and all these tears…there is love. I still feel the way I did 15 years ago…swept away, like there is no one else for me….but you.

               This year has been hard, maybe the hardest yet…inside I still feel 20 years old ,and I am still learning to let myself be loved. Who knew that it could take so long ? I still see the scarlet letter when I look in the mirror sometimes, and I let myself fall into the trap. My heart knows its not there….it’s just a shadow.

           I always talk about REAL LOVE, well…this is it. It’s two people navigating together, its not smooth like a river stone, its jagged and faceted….beautiful and rare. I love you, but I want to love you better…love you like I love my own soul. You are and always have been my valentine.

       We are under the weather over here, Isaiah just got over strepthroat, but now has a cough and low temp today. And then there is Adam, thought he had gotten strepthroat from Z, the Dr. called in meds, but he just did not respond. He is very sick, can’t walk around, sore throat, headache, fever, dizzy….the Dr thinks it might be mono.We will get the test results today, praying for a negative. Mono lasts an average of 4 weeks…..declaring that its NOT that. Join me.

                        I was feeling ok, the boys being sick has given me something to focus on other than myself, but this week, out of the blue, Three different friends took the time to pray for me, send me a card, and one sent me a link to a writers conference. I don’t know if she even knows that, it was a daily devotional written by a lady, who didn’t think she could be a writer, but God had put that dream in her heart, and she was willing to get out of the boat, and walk on the water, or at least attempt it. It really moved me. How often do I say to the Lord ” I don’t trust you, I ‘ll stay in my seat?” Too often.  My heart knows that he plants the seeds that are growing in me, my heart also knows that I have allowed some weeds, and critters into my garden…..there are better times around the corner. I am going to be doing some gardening around here and Spring is just around the corner….for you too.

Grattitude- a grateful attitude. I just made that up, feel free to use it.

I am grateful for……

• a Papa bigger than everything else
• health
• love
• tenacity
• friends
• my husband
• my children
• wholeness
• forgiveness
• crown and diet
• kid’s valentines
• the wisdom of others
• mexican food
• house hunters international
• under eye concealer
• music in my heart
• my down comforter

I could go on and on….its a good excercise to do, when you start thinking about your situation….mine is good. I am using it to change my atmosphere… bye !