I’ve started 4 different posts, and scrapped them. Struggling over here. I asked the Lord to shed some light on my darkness, and I guess this is what it feels like.  Broken to the point that you can’t DO anything but go down….on your knees, at first, and then further…on your face. Thats all.

I’ve put my head on the ground 3 times already today. Fake it until you make it. Being humble does not come easy….therefore, the posture(head down), comes in handy. I prefer to concentrate on my royal blood, being a princess and all. Problem is, I am broken. I usually let my soul lead my spirit, and apparently…my soul has no sense of direction. That’s ok, I am finding my way back. Putting my head on the ground, and asking the Lord to shed light on my dark areas. I am making a way, opening my eyes to the things that I have not wanted to see. Once , a long time ago, Erin saw me in her mind’s eye with an empty basket, I was bringing it to the Lord, eager for the things that HE would fill it with. Today, I saw myself with the same basket, only this time, I was bowed down low,at the Lord’s feet, and the basket was on my head…..I am still eager to see what He has, but I am learning to humble myself before HIM.

 I have been praying for Adam this morning. All morning. There is some bullying going on at school, and he has reached his breaking point. Adam does not have 100$ shoes, nor does he have a different pair of jeans for every day of the week. And he really doesn’t complain about it. He is a good kid. It has just been so heavy on my mind….the battle that our teens fight. The battle to be normal….the battle to fit into this culture. The Lord told me a year ago that Adam had an internal compass, guiding him. That gave me comfort, but it makes the battle harder for Adam. Ignorance is bliss, and he can’t fall back on that….he KNOWS the truth. So, today I am praying that Adam hears the whispers of Jesus, the son of man, the one tempted in every way…..and KNOWS that his name is written on the soft flesh of the palm of his hand. Adam Wirthlin….is written there. I am praying for that, and I am praying for Egypt. The unrest in our world is closer than we think…..bring peace Lord, to our home, to our country….even to our enemies.

Perspective- a view or vista.    It’s hard when two people can look out  one window, and each see a different view. Each one willing to go to the mat to prove that what they see is really there. What do you do ? How do you compromise ? Don’t ask me, it’s never been my strong suit. I used to think that I didn’t even have a view, that I didn’t deserve one. I feel differently now, guess I’m a grown woman, and not a girl. Politics….PLEASE, I used to never say a word, but guess what world ? I do have a view, it may not be the same as yours, but it does exist. Black history month ?? Yep, got a view on that too ! Education ? Don’t even get me started. Birth control…..you guessed it….I have an opinion, a view.  MY VIEW EXISTS. I exist.

 Isabelle may have to have her arm re-broken, praying for a miracle. Isaiah has to have another tube put in his ear and his adnoid removed. Adam is going out for soccer, and getting plugged into the youth group at Southside.  They actually had a retreat this weekend, and I am so eager to hear about it ! I am doing a womens bookstudy at Crossroads that is rocking my world, and making me sort out my theology….hmmm. Thomas and I are also trying to engage in a couples small group. It feels so good to gather with couples who KNOW, you have to seek it out, it doesn’t just fall into your lap…the LORD is a mystery, and it takes time and energy to have a relationship with him. And then there is LIA SOPHIA….I am working it ! I am proud of myself, I won the greatest bracelet at the White Party ! I also feel like te women that I have been blessed with working under, are just the greatest. Kim is my advisor, and she is 24/7 support, on every level. LOVE HER, and her charming husband ! And then there is Heather. She lives in Cape Cod, came down for the afore mentioned white party….she is a Lia Sophia ROCK STAR. Her energy is contagious, I let her rub off on me a little this weekend. Her husband Tim is a tatto ARTIST. I will post his link later(my mind is reeling). They have the sweetest spirit, and I am excited to have met them.

                     I feel like I have had ten cups of coffee, my teeth are on edge, my blood is pumping…what else can I say ? I feel hopeful, and more than that…I feel blessed. I can be a complainer, and I can isolate myself, but I don’t want to. I WANT to be magnetic, and charming. I want to draw people to myself, my business, and my LOVE…Jesus of Nazareth. All of that is possible. HIS KINGDOM COME.

The Lord is RIGHT on time. And therefore, I have to believe that this new thing he is doing in me, around me, and through me is right on time too. I ventured out of my house today to attend a book study at church. It’s called rediscovering the kingdom, it’s written by Myles Munroe. After reading chapter one, I have decided to call it…DISCOVERING the kingdom. There are some fundamentals that I appear to be missing. I love the Lord, I love him all day long, and I hear from him….when I listen, but don’t you ask me a question about my theology, it’s lacking. Until now, I let that handicap me. I just didn’t know where to start. A grown woman, who knows and loves the LORD….how embarrassing to still have so many MISCONCEPTIONS. But here I am, and here HE is. I am full of hope and hunger. I want to connect all the dots of creation, and communion with ABBA.  He is faithful to his word, and that makes me smile inside, because I know the things HE has written on my heart will come to pass. I am digging in, and I am bringing everyone in this house with me !

I am ashamed to say that I am counting down the hours until tomorrow. I could make a whole bunch of jokes about it, but I won’t. I’m really sad about it. They (the people that I am raising), fight like cats and dogs. It’s getting to me. I am afraid that their words are sticking to my walls, and covering my windows. In the beginning the WORD was with GOD, and the WORD WAS GOD. I don’t know how to get them to see the magnitude of their words. Their daggers, their rocks, their grenades…their words. I am praying about it, humbly listening, rather than boldy doing. At least for today. Peace? Peace, in word, and in deed. ahhhhh.

The holidays, back to school, Belle breaking her arm, (at Isaiah’s party), and then the SNOW. We are in a funk. FOR SURE. Routine certainly has it’s place, it is comforting, and comfortable, like your favorite sweater. Sometimes, however, you have to breakdown, and admit that you need to put on the new outfit. It might not feel as good as your broken in sweater, but it’s going to do you a world of good to try something new ! Thats how I am feeling tonight.  Slightly uncomfortable at the prospect of trying something new. But….willing.

This is what it looks like. Fire, coffee, no makeup….just…right now. Enjoying the moment. House is silent, except for the popping of the fire. Kids are off on adventures all their own. Even Belle, broken arm be damned, you only live once. We wrapped it up, and gave her insructions to WALK only, no running, no sledding….a sad reminder that life is not fair. Its not fair, and it’s not long…but its good. Today is good. I am much happier than I look in this photo, if you look closely, the aggravation on my face is for the photographer, who was intent on getting the dog to smile…..oh, my husband….love him so, and still, and on and on. The snow brings out the boy in him, and he too, is outside playing. If I close my eyes, and pretend…we are teenagers out of school for the day…except so much wiser ….and better. Enjoy the snow, curl up, and pray this day lasts, and lasts. I know, I am.

I mean, what can I really say about this face ? This picture was taken on the first day of school this year. This is the first year that Isaiah’s anxiety about school hasn’t gotten the best of him. He has been going like a champ. Not only that, but he is kind and helpful to his friends. What more could I ask for ? Here is a list of things that I know to be true about my youngest son, who is 9 years old today…

• I let him skip school today, because I knew he would snuggle me….all day.
• He has the greatest hair…ever.
• He is strong
• when he loves you , he loves you….period.
• he is unpredictable
• He still smells sweet.
• He rubs my hair while I sing to him at night….aaaahhhh.
• He has a smile that can stop my world from spinning…..did you see the picture ?
• He loves animals and babies, and I LOVE that about him.
• He is a puzzle genious.
• He carries the backpack of a little girl at school, almost every day.
• He has a musical heart…literally, a soft murmur, that sounds like a drumbeat. 

I could go on, and on,  and on. I love him. He is not simple, but neither am I . I am sad for anyone who hasn’t experienced the kind of fierce love that I have for him. He came through me, and I am better for that. Happy Birthday Z…..I love you madly !