Little lion boy is home today.  He is not sick . I am. Heartsick, that is. He had a run in with his teacher yesterday. We knew right away as he walked, shoulders slumped forward, head down…to the car. Wheels start spinning in our minds, what has happened ? What damage has been done to this,  oh so  fragile,  state of going to school ? He claims nothing happened, even though his eyes are so sad. Thankfully, his teacher e-mailed me , otherwise, I would have had no clue.

Apparently, he was talking . Or, she thought he was talking, and told him to stop. He argued that he wasn’t talking, and put his head down, and shut her out. I am all too familiar with this action. He wouldn’t participate in the rest of the activities . He refused to let her sign his daily agenda. I know that these are disrespectful things to do , I am well aware of what is expected at school . I don’t understand why the teacher felt that she had to call an administrator to come in . I don’t. Seems to me, she could have let it go at this point, it was the very end of the day.  The act of bringing someone else in, and telling them what he had done pushed him over the edge.  He left the class for the car line. She says he ran out, and refused to stop.

I am faced with the fact that he may not go back to school. Period. And I am so conflicted about it. I am hurt for him. He is so angry at the teacher. And I am a little angry, too. I have explained to her how he hears things in a magnified way, and how he never bought lunch until this year because the lunch ladies were too intimidating…I let her know that embarrassment for him is the worst, and that his shame brings on anger. He shuts down, and the anger builds. That is what has happened.  School is a good practice in structure for him, he needs that, and now it looks like that may have been shattered. Perception is everything, at least to him.

Big-eyed girl has been learning about abstinence this week at school.  Normally, I would be for this.  However, my particular little girl wasn’t ready for this information.  She is overloaded with statistics, and scared to death that she will marry someone with a STD, who doesn’t know that they have one, because 85% of people show no symptoms, and then unaware of any problem, have a baby and give it an STD. Yes….this was last nights conversation. And yes, it was a run on sentence…..

She went to bed early with a headache, and I am convinced that it was because of the information swirling around like a blizzard in her head.  I know it has to be taught, and I know that someone will tell her, and most likely give her wrong information…..I got it, I’m just saying….it was a little more than we were expecting.  I got in bed with her, we prayed, I rubbed her head, and I knew….in that moment she was so open to hearing what I had to say. Really hearing.  I reminded her that her FATHER holds the whole world in his hands. And corny, or not, that image brings peace. I assured her that there is a plan for her future, and that it was put in place before the day, before the night….I whisper/prayed…. snuggle under his wing baby, its all going to be alright, remember what is good and true, remember who loves you.  She drifted off, and I drifted away.  Forgotten the fighting, the mess from earlier gone….she is so lovely, this spirit that has been entrusted to me.  And so it goes, another day gone by.  It just tastes so darn bittersweet.

I wonder why it is that some days, I feel like I’ve been ten rounds with a prize fighter, when , in truth….its been 3 hours with my children. The angels that live here with me. Hmmm. They can wreck me emotionally. Sounds pretty bad, I know.  I also know that it’s just a season. A season that I will look back on with such longing, that it breaks my heart to even think about it. And so for now, I will finish making dinner, and listen to their chatter/fighting, while having a little cocktail, until my knight in shining armor gets home .

I am so torn between thankfulness, and aggravation.  I can’t be the only one.  So if you can handle the truth, here comes the list.      Thankful for                                                                                                                    Aggravated by

• Isaiah waking me up with a letter, and prayer this morning.
• Thomas having the opportunity to sell Christmas trees this year.
• getting my brakes repaired for less than I thought.
• hope
• a future
• hot baths
• Adam’s jokes
• Isabelle’s hugs
• changing seasons
• ava…freshly groomed
• honest relationships
• coffee…and the man that makes it.
• gray hair….on the man that makes the coffee
• the Lord turns ashes into beauty
• the knowledge that I have the love and adoration of….the man that makes the coffee.

Aggravated by

• The fighting that is constantly happening between my kids. And yet, I am grateful that I have kids, and that they are healthy and robust enough to fight constantly.
• People that say one thing, and do another.
• People that post bible verses on social websites, but then sit around drinking even though they are underage, having sex, even though they are not married.
• myself, because of the afore mentioned judging.
• lies
• know it alls
• my neighbors….most of them.
• people being rude to my kids
• the fact that i am hormonal at thanksgiving…..thus, this list.

steal away.

steal away with me.

steal away with me to a secret place…..

steal away with me.

you with your lovely face…..

steal away with me.

we will steal away from this darkest night

steal away with me, and dance, dance with me into the light.

Sometimes I process things, and pray for friends , through poetry.  Its just one of those weird things about me.  I have a close friend who is on my mind, and several times this week, I have jotted down short prayer/ poems for her.  And for me, I guess.  My Father knows this about me, apparently, he created it.  And so,  I believe that it moves his heart.  He is moved to action out of compassion for his children.

Tonight we sat down and made a dream list. We listed the things we would like to do between now and Christmas. Some are free and simple, like visiting the “crazy” Christmas house, and watching Christmas movies. Some are expensive, and still in the dream state, like…going skiing as a family, or visiting the Biltmore House, while it is decorated. Whichever things become realities….we enjoy the dreaming. It is sort of a moment in itself, as pen touches paper, we make our lists for santa, and hope for magic.  These are the good things. We are healthy, we are whole…we know the reason for the season, and we know that we are blessed. What is on your holiday list ?

It’s dark out now, but it won’t be for long.

Gonna see headlights pullin in, your laughter breakin in.

It’s quiet now, but it won’t be for long….

gonna see your face, and hear you singing our song,

any minute…..it’s quiet now , but not for long.

you might be weak right now, but baby…Im strong.

Isaiah went to school today. That’s a good thing. Its cool and breezy, also good. There is work for the Butcher, and Lia Sophia parties for me….good. Belle and I will have another girls day tomorrow, you guessed it…good. Man-child is going camping with the scouts, he thinks this is good. I will miss him. And here is why…. yesterday I went to goodwill and a consignment shop, on a hunt for jeans for the little kids. The budget is tight, really non-existent, but we have to have clothes, right ? Anyways, I digress. Adam got into the car after school, and I said – I found you a great shirt at Goodwill ! Thats it, that’s all I said. Just making conversation. And to this, my man-child replied- I hope I find a good wife like you.  You always take care of us. Can your heart swell, and break at the same time ? Yep. I got myself together, and reminded him that we have been praying for his wife for a long time already, that he has already been promised by the Lord….this future wife will be beautiful, and smart, and funny….she will be worth it. He nodded, remembering the word that was spoken a year ago. And that was that, moment over, onto something else.

My Father has been loving on me all week. It has been a hard week, full of tears, and conflict, but laced with such love from Abba. This moment with Adam was a scarlet cord of rescue, in a week spent doubting my parenting skills, and crying out.  So grateful for all of it right now. All of it.  It’s good stuff.

Whenever I wear a bracelet, a necklace, and a ring together, I feel like it is just too much. But the Father is working on my ideas. He wants to adorn me, and sometimes you just have to LITERALLY do things, before you get the idea. It seems like forever that HE has been sending me the same message. You ARE enough. You are MINE, you are SAFE, You are my SONG…my LOVE LETTER.  I hear it.  I accept it.

Isaiah is home again today. He has a cold, but thats not why he is home. He is home because he wants to be. And I am letting him ….BE. Just BE.  I don’t know when this struggle will end, with my youngest. But I am not about to give up. What I realized is this…giving in, isn’t always giving up. And so, I have given in this morning. My relationship with Isaiah, and my desire to reach his heart is stronger, and more important, than this day in the fourth grade.

I tried to wake him up last night when I got home from work, the Lord had given me some clear words, and instructions….he didn’t remember it this morning, but I kissed him over and over. I kissed the palms of both his little hands, and I told him how funny I think he is…how charming. I assured him that every day is new, and that we get to start over. There are do-overs enough for all of us. This morning, he didn’t remember that, and once again…we struggled. But I am calm, I am loved, my Father kisses my palms, and HE finds me funny, and charming. And for now…that is enough.

Let’s just start with the important stuff !! We were blessed with FREE tickets to the Clemson game, 50 yard line , south stands. If the Lord was looking for a way to touch Thomas, he found it.  It was military appreciation day, and it was so moving. The jets flying overhead literally, took my breath away. My husband cried unashamedly for the sacrifice of others , and my man-child stood, chin quivering, holding it in. These are good men that surround me. I am blessed. My baby-man was there too, holding his ears, but it was just as much to block out the emotion, as it was the noise. He has had a hard time watching the tributes, and documentaries about 9/11. He is either cold as ice, or as tender as they come….I choose to believe the latter.God help me, I love him so much.

Most of us are trying to get colds…very annoying. Busy week ahead. Lia Sophia party, football game, glee club, homework and tests….you know the drill. That’s pretty much it. We continue to create new things out of old. Relic Salvage and Farm Tables is moving forward. trash to treasure….beauty for ashes, and so on. Check it out. relicsalvagecompany.com