There are dry bones and broken places. Yes. And, there is water , and healing enough for all of it. Cupping my hands to drink this morning, getting down low, the spot where I know …. My breath is prayer, and every prayer changes the atmosphere . There is joy in the small, and beauty in the morning routine , three teenagers dressing, eating, asking, arguing , singing, and walking out the door. There is a small wind and sweet smell blowing in my back door. I inhale as deeply as I can…prayer. It’s as still and as loud as it can be , all at once. There is an army rising but the weapons ,and the violence look vastly different than what I imagined. The weapons are tiny seeds planted, and the fighting is as gentle as that breeze blowing in.
Run the race!
Sometimes it takes everything you’ve got . Sometimes you stumble at the start, but you have heart , and that my lion boy is going to be the weapon that helps you finish well. You are amazing. You are strong , and I am so proud of how hard you work . I knew you were a runner in the spirit, a leader in your pack of peers, but now you are a runner in the natural! A sweaty, beautiful runner. I love you Z!
Life
As the first week of school comes to a close, I am sitting at my kitchen table thinking about it. Replaying it. Basking in it. There were sports, unexpected visits from friends, miles and miles driven, a face treatment that has put my vanity in check, nights working late for dad, maybe a couple of swear words on my part, and unspeakable joy in all of it.
Belle was unsure, but like the strong girl she is , she is finding her footing. Adam is thrilled with his classes, and excited at the idea of learning something new. Such an answered prayer. I hate when school is just drudgery, and so does he.
And Isaiah. Deep breath. He has had an amazing week. He woke up the first morning with a terrible cold , and I thought – oh no, this could be it. My son, came right through that! He has been kind, and helpful, and thank you God, happy at school . It is one day at a time , but today… I am humbled by my son’s strength, amazed at Gods love, encouraged by the ladies who continue to pray for me and my kids, and in general brought back to life by Jesus. Sometimes in the wake of a heartache, you find yourself.
Thoughts
Over the years there were many times that you withdrew yourself from me. Every time it felt like a drought. And then in a matter of days or weeks , you would come rushing in like the saving rains. You, with your stories of healing , and breakthrough, never realizing…. how it might be affecting me.
I was just sitting here yesterday pondering this and lots of other things, thoughts and ideas, dreams and struggles. I don’t know why some things happen. Marriages fail, people struggle. What I do know is that while God doesn’t send the struggle, he sure is right in the middle of it. He won’t let me go. He won’t let you go either. He is relentless that way. So ramble on, struggle on, if you must, rage on, warrior on, get your dance on, but remember He is there!
First Day.
It’s been 2 years since our last first day. It’s always exciting. Little lion boy is not really that little anymore , he is taller than me now. I said goodnight last night, and his face was so full of hope, his eyes so full of courage. I see you there Jesus, in him. And I feel your love , through him. I am grateful for every day that I have with this boy of mine. He has changed me.
And so we begin again. A new day… Everyday. Walking by faith , and when we stumble, or even if we fall, we are going to be just fine. Our hearts have a hope that is bigger than our hurdles. As I write, love wells up in my eyes , and runs down my face. Fear is a sea that has been parted for me and my son today. We will walk through it. We will need your help again tomorrow Jesus, but we can talk about that then.
The unplanned plan.
To wake up in the morning with a heart that’s free, and to lay down at night with a heart that’s grateful for the day. This is my plan, but I didn’t think of it. It’s THE plan, the one My father has for me. Love.
To walk through each day, the long and short, the hysterical, and monotonous , the beautiful, and the brutal , the happy, and the hormonal, the creative, and the drudgery…with a heart full of faith. Believing for the next day, next week, and month. Instead of FEARING them . That’s the plan.
What love looks like
Well. Love doesn’t always show up like you think it will. It doesn’t always dance into the room , sometimes it grows and explodes , and falls down all around your head . Just like popcorn that’s been left over the fire too long. And love doesn’t always feel like you expect it too. Along with the joy, there is incredible trial and compromise. It doesn’t always feel like a slow dance in a beautiful dress, sometimes it feels like a tug of war in muddy tennis shoes. And love certainly does not always look like what you are expecting it to. Blue skies, and perfect days, laying in the sun, is what we think it will look like, and sometimes it does. Baby , love looks like a rolling river, and a beautiful thunderstorm ,too. Love looks like a newborn baby, and a hand to hold. Love holds you up, and sees the best in you. Love doesn’t let you go. It’s all around you Sidney. It always has been. Love has been there in the happiest of times, and love has been there when the days look the darkest. You don’t always see love coming, I didn’t. But now I know…what love looks like. Love looks like you. You are loved. Happiest of Birthdays.
Tears and laughter
I can’t stop. I’m crying, and I’m laughing. It’s like rain on a sunny day. Unexpected , and beautiful. One of my best friends was at the camp with my 3 teenagers this week. She was behind the scenes , interceding and praying for hearts and minds. She texted me to say that she will never get over the things she saw. She had some specific prayers for my kids, and saw breakthrough . I am humbled to have friends that love my kids, that know my heart so well . I am down as low as I can go thanking Abba for his great love for me , and for my kids . They are not alone, he will never leave them. He sees each one. He sees Adam and his mans heart, strong and steadfast, but sometimes rigid, and he sees Belle in all her beautiful light, loud and bold, but sometimes , safe inside her box, and he sees Isaiah , the lions heart, the funny, friendly, creative , open spirit, he knows that Isaiah internalizes things so deeply that his wounds are frightening and fierce, he sees them and he knows. He knows that my heart beats for them. He sees the grown up children too. And the parents. He sees them too. And so I sit, waiting to go pick up my campers, and I cry, and I laugh. And I am not alone.
Still small voice
When you are sitting in church , listening to a sermon and GOD says something off the subject… You listen. This past week Chad’s sermon was good, and I made a ton of notes to study, but what wrecked me , what tore me apart and put me back together, all at the same time, was a still small voice that spoke over Chad , directly to my heart. He said- Isaiah has a beautiful mind.
That voice changes your perspective , it changes your theology , your mind. Are you listening?
You won’t let me go.
Ever. I can’t fall away from you. You hold on to me , and I am firmly in your grasp. Some days it feels like I am walking a tight rope , high above the ground, with no safety net in sight. It’s there, in that place … Heart pounding, teeth grinding , white knuckle place, that you remind me- eyes on me, don’t look back, don’t look down… I’ve got you. And I am there , like an inch worm , slowly , making my way to the other side , to you. Deep breathe out, and then I see it, I get it. You won’t let me go. Ever.
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