It is only with the luxury of time that I have learned to guide gently, but pray violently . To speak with kindness, and to pray fervently. I am not always successful at being gentle with my teenagers, but I try. They are coming out of their cocoons, and they are delicate. Their delicate new wings require a light touch from my hand. My eyes haven’t always been open to this . My passion, my zeal, my love for them is bigger than the sky, and at times that has pushed me into a not so gentle mindset. But the Lord is always gentle with me, and it does not reflect the magnitude of his extravagant love. So today, I will speak softly, guide gently…and violently pray for my teenagers , waging war against melodrama, and insecurities, body image, cold shoulders, and all the other things that come with breaking free of that cocoon of childhood.

Yes . Joy comes in the morning. That’s true. Relief comes in the morning, a break from the darkness and the thoughts that threaten to strangle you sometimes in your head. But how do we get through the night? What combats the monsters under our bed? Psalm 92 says to thank the lord in the morning, even with singing , to show your loving kindness towards him when you wake. And show your FAITHFULNESS to him at night!! I am undone by this. I am amazed, I have found myself doing this without knowing that psalm 92 said it! My spirit was doing it, working it out for me. I will think on my day, and unravel the tangle of thoughts each night before I lay my head down, and then… I will offer HIM my faithfulness. Full of faith that he will work it out, that HIS love cast away my fears, and shines a light into my dark corners of doubt. Be blessed today with understanding that the Lord will not only deliver you , but honor you too. Psalm 91:15

I want to know I’m on the right path. I want love to be the choice I make, the song I sing, the prayer I pray…the words I say. I want to sit at the edge of a river like a giant bird without a thought of tomorrow . I want to see my life , my beautiful strife , from somewhere above. I want to get out of my bed, out of my head, go downstairs and hug the boy that broke me again today . I want love to be my voice, my first choice . One step at a time, feet on the floor. Please Lord, give me the balm for his heart, the encouragement for his mind , let me be kind. Covers back… I’m going down.

You answer when I call. Even when I am lying in the floor in a heap like a discarded robe. Especially… Then. You speak when I listen for you. Even when there is the sound of rushing water water in my ears , a wave so big and loud that it is threatening to take me down…especially then. You rescue me when I am overcome. Even when I claim that it’s hopeless, that your glory, your story isn’t enough to save me….especially then. You rush in to be as close as you can get to my broken heart, and you nurse me back to you, using your everlasting kindness, you resuscitate me. You give me breath, and you sit close until I am once again… able to stand. A little light , in a little city , up on a hill. You make me bright, and I will bear this light for you until forever is done.

It’s Isaiah’s birthday, and we are shutting the house down. It’s been a good day. Beautiful weather, lots of laughs…just the kind of day that I like. And even now, there is an underlying sense of worry that I can’t shake. Belle talks a lot about not being liked at school. The angst of not being in the popular crowd. You know what Im talking about. When will she be able to understand that the quest for the inner circle will break your heart ? That was C.S. Lewis that said that, not me. But I know what he was saying, I get it. However, I am 41 …not 14. AND, I literally just got it last week.
I want Belle to know that being tall and beautiful is awesome, but being smart, and kind, and funny are the things that draw people to her. I want her to know that she is loveliest when she is sitting around in flannel pjs, with a freshly washed face , making us all laugh at some silly story from her day. That her heart is generous, and her spirit is brave. That she is a masterpiece. God’s own creation. And so are the girls that she thinks hate her. Hate her….thats what she thinks. It just can’t be . We are all little girls inside. Wanting to be the best friend, the cool kid, the one with the best dress, or new shoes…the leader of the pack. The mom who’s kids obey the first time, the wife with the attentive husband , the woman who is asked to lead things, and has it all together. Oh, don’t forget the woman at the gym who knows how to work all the machines, AND is wearing Lululemon pants !
It’s ok. Let’s cut each other some slack. Girls and women. Let’s smile at each other, compliment one another….take notice of each others beauty, and differences. Can we ? I feel like I’m seeing this fresh through my daughter’s eyes, and learning it again. Here’s to continuing education !

Isaiah. All eyes and elbows right now. Always drawing, constantly creating. Newness around every corner. Brave and strong. My heart song. Roar like it’s your birthday.

The end of 2014 was not quiet like a lamb. It was explosive and unsettling. We had our grown daughter and her baby move in, my mother was hospitalized and is very sick. Everything feels a little upside down, my equilibrium is off. I keep seeing myself from somewhere above…oh there I am walking around , on the ground, in the midst of strain, and confusion. But up here , I can see clearly, that all is well. In my physical I am tired and stressed, but in my spirit I feel God steadying me, and talking to me. It’s been a gift. Life is in fact , a vapor . It can’t be bottled, or held to a specific shape or size. It refuses to be contained . And then it will be over, but we will go on forever. An undeniable truth. An eternal spirit. I am choosing to focus on my spirit today, even in the midst of physical circumstances down here on the ground. So 2015 you go ahead and roar, come into the room of my life like a lion . I am watching you, and I am still standing.

I love fresh starts. I’m addicted to them. New Years Eve is one of my favorite days of the year. Here is what I’m planning for 2015:
To run. Outside. Breathing deep.
To listen , more than I speak.
To dance more than I did last year.
To sing and to write, and make music that is war for this tribe of mine.
To sleep more than I did last year.
To fall in love, with the things and people that I already love….every day.

The Lord speaks to me in words, usually not visions or dreams… just plain old language. We have a dance we do, He and I. He gives me a word for myself, or someone else, and I run to the dictionary . The first clue is always in the literal definition of the word. I love it when I’m surprised by the meaning of a word that I thought I knew. Last New Years I asked the lord for a word . A word for the new year for myself . He gave me reign. I was pretty excited. Let’s be honest, that’s a good word. It literally means to take authority over your holdings, your family… your people. Toward the end of this year, between Thanksgiving and Christmas, I started seeing birds everywhere. Reading scripture about wings, feathers and yes… Birds! I don’t have it worked out just yet, but I love the scripture the lord showed me above .Free as a bird.

Also this. There is so much to it! The nest building, the covering , the feeding, the flying! I love my word for this year. I am intrigued and digging in.