Happiness is….

• coffee in bed
• nuzzling Belle’s hair at night
• dinner in a crockpot…waiting.
• an unexpected word of encouragement from a stranger
• falling asleep in the Butcher’s lap while he watches football
• riding with the windows down
• my boys fighting about who is going to sit beside me
• belle reading to me while  I am in the bathtub
• knowing that I am forgiven of my trespasses
• offering help to someone who is totally shocked at the offer !
• a fire and my family around it.

      I am feeling hopeful this morning. Through no power of my own, my circumstances have not changed. I guess that is faith, in a nutshell. I believe the promise of the Lord. The promise that I will never thirst, that I will never be hungry, that I will never be forsaken. I am feeling that this morning.  I am done searching, I have found the thing, the person, the love, that satisfies.

                        After work, I am having a girl’s day with Belle. Couldn’t be happier. She drives me nutty, but her heart is good and she thrives and blossoms under my attention….I will not take this moment for granted.

                                  If yesterdays blog offended you, I apologize. But, I have to admit….I feel better.  There is something in truth that just does that. It sets you free. And one person can only take so much. Putting it down on the page allowed me to let it go. I feel lighter. I have 3 other kids over here depending on me to make a safe place for them, and that is what I am doing. I have a husband who is, truly, the BEST father in the world and when somebody hurts him…I take offense. 

                                        The Lord does not promise happiness….thats ok, I will settle for peace.

            I took a few days off. Thinking about what to say. Some of my extended family members don’t really approve of this blog. It is too much information for them, seems that I have my head in the clouds, at least thats what I hear. But, this blog belongs to me ,and it is my story ,and my truth. There may be other characters in it from time to time, and those characters may not appreciate the truth being written down, but at least for now, this is still AMERICA.

                         Our life is like a movie right now. One of those deep, twisting, winding plot movies, with sub-plots going every which a way. Between the businesses, and the children, and extended family…we don’t know where to turn our attention first. Ok. I am going to do this. Its an update about the truth in our lives and our home right now. Warning….viewer discretion is advised, its not pretty.

•   we don’t know from one week to the next if we are  getting a paycheck. (we are not the only ones, feels good to get that out from the inside of me.)
• when I write something that I REALLY need to get out…my hands shake.
• our 17 year old daughter moved out a week ago. (I am hurt, I am pissed, I am dissappointed and I am pulling out the copies of every covenant the Lord ever made with me, from my heart, reminding him of the promises spoken to parents who give their kids to him)
• we have supportive and loving friends and family that are helping us re-define normal in our lives.
•  we have one family member who drinks too much and calls us with venom spewing from her lips. ( if you don’t want people to say that you drink too much, then you shoudn’t drink too much. I know that from experience)
• some people don’t know what it means to be a mother, they are somehow missing the sacrifice gene. The Butcher’s ex-wife is one of those people. and I am praying that before Sidney has children of her own, that she will break the cycle of selfishness that has been put into place by this woman.
• I have not been a perfect mom, I know that. But I do believe that I have done the best that I could, with what I have been given.
• I have not been the perfect wife, or daughter, or daughter in law, or sister for that matter. I NEVER will be. I am flesh and bone and sometimes reduced to ashes.
• I love. and sometimes, that is not enough.
• My 3 younger children are dealing with the fact that our life has changed, it was out of the blue for them, and altogether hard to wrap their minds around what it means.
• We are going to be ok. Better than anyone, I know that redeeming love is real. The Lord picked me up from nothing, I offered my harlotry up to him and in return,he gave me LIFE. I am a new creation. I am not perfect, as is evident in this rant, but I am trying to be better.

    Wretched…like a ghost, I am fading….until you speak me into life again.

        broken…like a splintered tree….until you mend me.

       empty…and waiting…for you to come and fill me.

     Homeless…and wandering…until you come and find me.

                  come and find me, remind me. change me, rearrange me.

    Back from a weekend away with people who really know how to love on me. It feels good.  Things are a little bumpy here right now, but we are figuring out a new normal. We are hanging on to the Lord with all of our might. There is wrestling going on, and who knows, maybe a little blessing, too.  Every morning I wake up, and scrape the dirt from the previous day, out from under my fingernails. And start again.

                              Over the years, I’ve done a lot of talking to my kids about the Lord, but a few days ago, the Lord spent some time talking to ME ABOUT MY KIDS. Here is what I felt like he wanted me to relay to them….you are a sheep among wolves, be as wise as serpants, and as innocent as doves…. Thank you Lord, you always know the right thing to say.

 Simple truth. You cannot get apples from a weeping willow. And you can not take your Christmas tree out and plant it after Christmas if it doesn’t have roots. Two things to think about today, fruit and roots. I want to be a tree with roots so far into the fertile soil of the Lord, that I cannot be moved. A tree that grows huge and old and strong and becomes a landmark to my family. I want my children, along with other women and children to sit under the shade of my branches and be nourished by the fruit that I produce. 

              I just read Don Miller say that our story is not about an individual tree, but a forest. The first step to making that happen is speaking it out loud. So come on….

         For years(really) I have believed this idea, aka, LIE. Well, there are more than one, but this one in particular has crippled me in major areas of my life. I bought into the idea that I was not as capable of love as everyone else. That I was horrible, and unlovable because of this inability to love in a way that was acceptable to the people around me.  That my love did not fit their definition and therefore wasn’t good enough. This lie came from the enemy of love and life and truth. He shared it with those that he knew would be succeptible to it, and they believed it and so the cycle of hurt began. The enemy DESPISES mothers. I have blogged about this before. I can’t remember when….. The point is, his jealousy is raging and dangerous. We have the ability to bring forth life, and he does not. We are altogether lovely, and he is not. Do not underestimate the lengths he will go to, or the lies he will put in place to paralize you in your place of power….your home, your motherhood.

                         Its been coming for a while, the Lord ,working on this lie, as if it were a knot that he is taking his time loosening, and unraveling.  I have been hearing whispers of truth, whispers of love and life. Today, one of my girls at work, was sharing with me, and I opened up my heart a little and shared with her. It was lovely, and she said that she loved talking to me, and that she thought I was great, and that I made her laugh. I knew it! I CAN give love, and I CAN receive love, I CAN reflect love, and pass love on. It sounds so simple, but the spell is broken, the knot is no more, the lie is undone.

                              I know he will come again, but for now I am basking in the warmth, and light of this truth. One young girl changed my mind.

          Recently, a friend sent me a link to a fashion blog that made me drool. I love it, I can spend lots of time looking at the outfits and reading the way the stylists describes them, almost like food. Speaking of food, I love food blogs, too. Delicious photos of delicious food that I fantasize about making. If you like fashion, you will love this cardiganempire.com. And if you love food along with photos of food go to pioneerwoman.com

                     I wish my blog was like that , but its not. I add in a little fashion and a little talk about Glam(my clothing store), but really, this blog is just ….my story. My story and all the characters who live in it. There are days when it is a comedy, and days when its a drama and sometimes a tragedy, at least in my own mind. So there you have it, this blog is a hybrid.

                           I am thinking of ways everyday to keep myself uncovered in this blog, to let those of you reading ,see as much as there is to see, in hopes of speeding the healing process along.”What am I healing from”, you ask,…..thats simple…..my human condition. Enjoy.

 I feel like God is writing an outline for my story. I can move my character around, tweek her, for better or for worse, but mostly, I feel like I am getting to know the character, that God dreamed me to be.