Good morning !  The Butcher and I had a date night last night ! The first in a looooong time. It was nice. Hot evening, cool jazz. In other news, we are going to church tomorrow. Yes, this is news….we haven’t been in 3 weeks. Eagerly anticipating…..Thomas has to work, but the kids and I will be there.

              The word weekend is sort of elusive to us right now. Thomas will have worked Fri, Sat, and Sun…so how do we mark the weekend ?? Yardwork ! Thats how. Its ok, we make the most of the time that we are together. We slept  late this morning…..so nice. And so , I bid you farewell with a blessing…..peace to you and yours, in Jesus’ name. Amen.

   This is an online journal ,so to speak.   It may seem like I am complaining, that is not the case. I am writing about what happens around here on a daily basis, and trying not to sugar coat the past year, its a blog about a woman, who loves the Lord, even though she has questions.  There are lots of posts about how grateful I am for my life, and there are lots of posts about how hard parenting is….If you are looking for a beautiful, perfect woman….look elsewhere. What you will find here is a beautiful, broken, bendable, swearing, loving,truth telling woman. the end.

 Self control….this is the one that I talk to Isaiah about ALL the time. Apparently, he doesn’t need his gluten free, low sugar diet anymore. He told me today that he is perfectly capable of obeying….if he wants to.  To which, I answered, we shall see grasshopper, we shall see.

patience….this is my problem. I want it now. And by it, I mean EVERYTHING. Peace, love, joy, provision, vacation, wisdom…..all of it. NOW.

longsuffering…..it eludes Isabelle. She is right in between the two boys, never was there a more beautiful rose between two thorns. HOWEVER, she yells like she is dying whenever they bother her. Whether its a little, or a lot…..she still yells just the same.

peace….the Butcher is struggling with. Sidney has moved out again. Its hard to be peaceful, when your kid won’t tell you where she is.

which leads back to me with….kindess. I am so hurt and mad . I have my head down, and I recognize where my help comes from, and yet….kindness is not easy. Nothing is easy. Being right is not easy, being wrong isn’t easy, parenting is not easy, marriage isn’t easy…..eating  ice cream is easy, but it makes you fat and lethargic. Hmmmm.

gentleness…..come on Adam, treat the smaller kids with the gentleness that I KNOW you have inside you. For me ? Pretty please ?

   Thats it, some quick thoughts for your pleasure.  Now to dinner….gluten free cheeseburger macaroni, and a chopped salad.

We have been living on vacation time over here. We sleep til 10 ,and don’t really know what day it is. Went camping on Sunday, and are still recovering. I will post the photos later.  It’s that time of year ,when I start feeling overwhelmed about back to school. The lists of things to be purchased, the money to purchase them, the inventory of the kids’ clothes, and then the money to buy what they need. And of course, how will Isaiah do this year ? That question is always first on my mind…. So…excuse me, while I enjoy a few more days of summer confusion, and vacation mindset, before I return to my normal neurotic self.

   There is a constant banter in my head, between me and the Lord. I used to think that it was a sign of weakness, but now I am convinced that as long as you hear him….you are getting stronger.

She said…..

• I am not enough

HE said……

• you could not be any MORE.

she said….

• I don’t believe you

HE said…

• I FORGIVE YOU

she said…

• I whine all the time

HE said…

• I hear your SONG

she said…

• I’m all alone

HE said…

• You are SURROUNDED

she said…

• I give up

HE said…..

• Now…give IN.

she said….

• I can’t see you.

HE said….

• LOVE is blind.

she said….

• I am ugly

HE said…..

• you are GLAMOROUS

she said….

• I am ashamed

HE said…..

• you are REDEEMED

she said….

• I am sinking.

He said….

• I am pulling you into my heart.

she said…

• no one sees me

HE said….

• I NEVER take my eyes off of you.

she said…

• I love how you love me.

HE said……DITTO.

Parenting is so much more than Mother’s Day programs, and paper trees in a cafeteria. If you have a teenager, or a high needs child, then you already know this. If all you have is a toddler, or a new baby….you will find out. Don’t be offended by me, you didn’t know how hard marriage was, until you did. And you didnt know how gravity would affect your body, until…..it did. And so it goes, it takes time to understand some things. I have been married for almost 15 years, and I have a teenager who doesnt want to be parented anymore, an almost 13 year old, whose mood swings are only rivaled by my own, a 10 year old who wants to be a solid gold dancer, and the baby of them all, who is 8, and very high need. I have some experience.  Today there was snuggling, yelling, hugging, yelling, loving, maybe some swearing, laughing, anti fungal cream (dont ask), dancing, what seems like 50 vitamins (but is only 4), eating, baking, anti-biotics, a whole container of spilled juice, big eyes full of pride(his), big eyes full of tears,( mine)….songs written, visions viewed, a sex talk, a chopped salad and jamisons irish whiskey in my evening coffee. whew. I am tired. Parenting is more than I bargained for. Its so much more than paper trees, and paper flowers on a cafeteria stage…..its real life, a real good life. good night.

  One could argue, after seeing my jewelry cabinet, that maybe, its accessories ,that are my passion….

                The other day, I realized that I haven’t really purchased new clothes in a loooong time, however, EVERYWHERE I go, I shop for necklaces. Etsy has become a favorite of mine,I don’t even have to leave the house. Goodwill, and World Market, too.

        My point here is that….even on a budget, you can make a statement ! All it takes is a ……statement nacklace, what else ?!

  Well….we spent the day at the lake with the Butcher’s family, and I have to admit…I was nervous. We haven’t been together in a while, and the last time was rough. I came home and wrote a blog about it. It offended some. What the Lord told me today was that, in that post, I was speaking from my HURT rather than my HEART. Aha. Explains A whole lot. Today I went in from a different place, a place of ….love. My circumstances haven’t really changed, but my heart has, it has expanded, and with that my spirit is spending more time at the forefront, while my soul(flesh) watches. Not only that, but I am REALLY feeling loved on by the Lord, and thre is nothing for me to do, but turn around, and pour it out.

                        I have asked the Lord for lots of things, and I feel like he has answered. It is beginning, I feel hopeful, and peaceful. I hope you do. Good night old friends, good night new friends….love to all.

 Calling my spirit out today, just a step. One step forward lovely spirit. Soul, you can stay in the background, I know that you are there, and thats ok. Just don’t get in the spirits way. I am blessing you spirit, you are sweet , and you are getting stronger every day. So, come out, sweet spirit, come out to play.

            Some things are simply out of my control.  The billboards advertising strip clubs, and sex toys, that my husband ,and sons see every time we drive to Charlotte, the actions of others, the weather, the hysteria of vampire love….you get the point. But there are a few things that I do have control of. The way I give and recieve love, the openess of my heart, the number of times per day that I put my head down on the ground, and let your love roll over me.  The words that I choose, the bondage I lose….I am leaning into you, and letting you love me to you. Love me to you. Love me to you. I see what you are doing, and who you are using. I’m onto you Lord, and….I like it.